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It's disappointing how many people say "apologies don't work". The purpose of an apology isn't to salvage your reputation, it is to help victims move forward.

lelanthran 5y ago
> It's disappointing how many people say "apologies don't work". The purpose of an apology isn't to salvage your reputation, it is to help victims move forward. Well, if the "victims" don't move on after the apology, then the apology didn't work, did it? :-)
- Seattle3503 5y ago
  Moving forward doesn't mean moving on. An apology that admits the wrong lets the victim stop doubting or blaming themselves. So the anger comes after it is acknowledged that what was done to you is wrong. In that way, anger after an apology actually means it may have worked.
  - lelanthran 5y ago
    > In that way, anger after an apology actually means it may have worked. If that's true (you will get punished for apologising), then there is no incentive for the guilty party to ever apologise. Who would want more punishment on top of what they already had?
cwbrandsma 5y ago
They can work to apologies to the actual victim, if made in some direct way. You might even get the victim to accept the apology. But all the people that feel victimized on behalf of the victim...they never forgive, and they will never move on. It is simply too easy to continue spewing their anger, they were already angry, this just gives them direction.
- jrochkind1 5y ago
  So, if you have done harm to someone, are you going to prioritize helping those you have hurt move forward, or are you going to prioritize your reputation? I don't think the mob mentality of destroying someone who has hurt others with no way out is helpful or appropriate. But if we want to be good people who treat people right, then we realize we have hurt someone severely, we try to make it right -- even if there will be a cost to our reputations, deserved or undeserved. Even undeserved. If it's the cost of making it up to someone you have hurt severely, that's how it goes, even undeserved. Valuing only our reputation against the mob and not the well-being of the people who we have hurt and want to try to make it up to -- is sociopathic behavior. Refusing to ever admit, even (or especially) to ourselves that we have hurt someone is sociopathic behavior.

lelanthran 5y ago

> It's disappointing how many people say "apologies don't work". The purpose of an apology isn't to salvage your reputation, it is to help victims move forward. Well, if the "victims" don't move on after the apology, then the apology didn't work, did it? :-)

Seattle3503 5y ago
Moving forward doesn't mean moving on. An apology that admits the wrong lets the victim stop doubting or blaming themselves. So the anger comes after it is acknowledged that what was done to you is wrong. In that way, anger after an apology actually means it may have worked.
- lelanthran 5y ago
  > In that way, anger after an apology actually means it may have worked. If that's true (you will get punished for apologising), then there is no incentive for the guilty party to ever apologise. Who would want more punishment on top of what they already had?

cwbrandsma 5y ago

They can work to apologies to the actual victim, if made in some direct way. You might even get the victim to accept the apology. But all the people that feel victimized on behalf of the victim...they never forgive, and they will never move on. It is simply too easy to continue spewing their anger, they were already angry, this just gives them direction.

jrochkind1 5y ago
So, if you have done harm to someone, are you going to prioritize helping those you have hurt move forward, or are you going to prioritize your reputation? I don't think the mob mentality of destroying someone who has hurt others with no way out is helpful or appropriate. But if we want to be good people who treat people right, then we realize we have hurt someone severely, we try to make it right -- even if there will be a cost to our reputations, deserved or undeserved. Even undeserved. If it's the cost of making it up to someone you have hurt severely, that's how it goes, even undeserved. Valuing only our reputation against the mob and not the well-being of the people who we have hurt and want to try to make it up to -- is sociopathic behavior. Refusing to ever admit, even (or especially) to ourselves that we have hurt someone is sociopathic behavior.