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Does anyone else just feel a friction to committing to something because you like open options? Every choice I make for working on something is a possible oppor

by gexla 5y ago

Does anyone else just feel a friction to committing to something because you like open options? Every choice I make for working on something is a possible opportunity cost to that better option. Doing nothing leaves me available for that better thing which might pop up. I'm the same way with relationships. Being single leaves me open for the better option.

Renaud 5y ago
I'm suffering from this as well to an extent. It's not a conscious rationalisation, it feels more like being unable to start something because there are too many things you'd like to start, and, in the end, you spend the week-end in front of the tv doing nothing, and hating yourself for having all these great projects you want to do but achieved nothing in the end because you couldn't choose something to start. It's terrible for self-worth. It's a type of fear of commitment. A lack of realisation that someone done is worth more than something that is not. It's as stupid as not being able to choose a dish from a large menu in a restaurant. You feel that committing to selecting a dish over another one might be something to regret. The cure to this is to just start without thinking and commit to that experience. It usually turns out OK and we feel much better about ourselves afterwards.
- gexla 5y ago
  Right, I have found that simply picking something and moving on is better than doing nothing. Even if it's the wrong thing, at least shipping that thing gets you valuable feedback which you wouldn't have had before. I have also noticed that a greater sense of temporality has helped with making movement on projects. Working from home seems to diminish this relationship and as a result I don't feel the scarcity of time. I feel a much greater sense of this scarcity while working from an office and limiting myself to office hours. At home I feel like I have all the time I need. Working from an office, I feel the time flying by. I'm trying to figure out how to bring that office experience to my home environment.
gombosg 5y ago
Everybody feels this friction when committing to some decision, especially when they are life-changing decisions like moving to a new area, taking up a new job (or career), marrying somebody, having kids etc. It's natural. Usually it's impossible to evaluate every circumstance and make a 100% rational and informed decision. And you are right that committing to something - walking down some path in life and staying responsible to your choice - closes other doors in life. This can lead to analysis paralysis, being stunned by the variety of options. What you can gain by making up your mind and having a responsible commitment is that it can bring you to depths you have never seen or experienced before, which can lead to more happiness and self-development (spiritual development). In many situations like choosing a life partner or a career path, you can only have a 'best guess', and the rest is actually made up by your own faith and hard work in deepening the relationship. I recommend this (pop) psychology book which has some chapters touching on this topic. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/347852.The_Road_Less_Traveled https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/347852.The_Road_Less_Tra...
- gexla 5y ago
  This seems like deeply wise advice in a forum which is mostly too rational. Thank you. I feel like this is the sort of insight that I could use to understand why any of my friends or people I respect have been able to "settle" for a life which in the end is deeply fulfilling (vs my own approach which may always be seeking something more exciting but shallow.) I feel like you're touching on a critical point by mentioning that by committing to something which may be not be the interesting life, you hit upon something which could be far more fulfilling. This is experiencing life on another level. This is something you aren't even aware of as you're hesitating to commit. "and the rest is actually made up by your own faith and hard work in deepening the relationship" And this is something I must have heard from everyone who has made a significant contribution to my cultural development (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, community leaders.) Maybe you should be the one to be teaching the course. Thank you! I would love to talk to you more if you read this comment.
zentiggr 5y ago
This resonates with me in a somewhat unexpected way - exposing a lack of self-confidence, or believing that any choice you make will automatically be worse. I have specific life circumstances that set that belief deep in my bones. I am working my way out of this lack of self-esteem, probably layered with some depression.
- gexla 5y ago
  Take a look at another comment on my thread, I think this person gets it. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27537891 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27537891 The most important value is in the depths of the thing once we have committed. This makes the commitment all that more important. Good or bad choice, the real value is uncovered with that further digging. Maybe the question of what's the best thing to be doing is missing the point?
ehnto 5y ago
I've been like that with everything for most of my life. One trick I use is to allow myself to begin something without committing, or deciding that my next actions are going to be exploratory, making them non-concrete and easier to start. Giving yourself license to change your mind gets rid of a lot of anxiety behind starting. I do have to balance that with the need to actually finish stuff, but I'm better off getting started regardless. Better to be in it and involved than sitting on the sidelines. Like some of the other comments have mentioned, making any decision is better than no decision, even if you later find it was the wrong decision.
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
schelling42 5y ago
I had this feeling you describe. It waned, as i got older and more worried about achieving anything at all in life. But the final push to change my attitude on this one came by reading a post on thelastpsychiatrist.com, with this great quote in it: > But whatever happens, your future happiness is entirely related to your ability to impose your own limits on your freedom. > The time has come to not be everything you want to be, but to be one thing you've wanted to be.

by gexla 5y ago

Renaud 5y ago

I'm suffering from this as well to an extent. It's not a conscious rationalisation, it feels more like being unable to start something because there are too many things you'd like to start, and, in the end, you spend the week-end in front of the tv doing nothing, and hating yourself for having all these great projects you want to do but achieved nothing in the end because you couldn't choose something to start. It's terrible for self-worth. It's a type of fear of commitment. A lack of realisation that someone done is worth more than something that is not. It's as stupid as not being able to choose a dish from a large menu in a restaurant. You feel that committing to selecting a dish over another one might be something to regret. The cure to this is to just start without thinking and commit to that experience. It usually turns out OK and we feel much better about ourselves afterwards.

gexla 5y ago
Right, I have found that simply picking something and moving on is better than doing nothing. Even if it's the wrong thing, at least shipping that thing gets you valuable feedback which you wouldn't have had before. I have also noticed that a greater sense of temporality has helped with making movement on projects. Working from home seems to diminish this relationship and as a result I don't feel the scarcity of time. I feel a much greater sense of this scarcity while working from an office and limiting myself to office hours. At home I feel like I have all the time I need. Working from an office, I feel the time flying by. I'm trying to figure out how to bring that office experience to my home environment.

gombosg 5y ago

Everybody feels this friction when committing to some decision, especially when they are life-changing decisions like moving to a new area, taking up a new job (or career), marrying somebody, having kids etc. It's natural. Usually it's impossible to evaluate every circumstance and make a 100% rational and informed decision. And you are right that committing to something - walking down some path in life and staying responsible to your choice - closes other doors in life. This can lead to analysis paralysis, being stunned by the variety of options. What you can gain by making up your mind and having a responsible commitment is that it can bring you to depths you have never seen or experienced before, which can lead to more happiness and self-development (spiritual development). In many situations like choosing a life partner or a career path, you can only have a 'best guess', and the rest is actually made up by your own faith and hard work in deepening the relationship. I recommend this (pop) psychology book which has some chapters touching on this topic. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/347852.The_Road_Less_Traveled https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/347852.The_Road_Less_Tra...

gexla 5y ago
This seems like deeply wise advice in a forum which is mostly too rational. Thank you. I feel like this is the sort of insight that I could use to understand why any of my friends or people I respect have been able to "settle" for a life which in the end is deeply fulfilling (vs my own approach which may always be seeking something more exciting but shallow.) I feel like you're touching on a critical point by mentioning that by committing to something which may be not be the interesting life, you hit upon something which could be far more fulfilling. This is experiencing life on another level. This is something you aren't even aware of as you're hesitating to commit. "and the rest is actually made up by your own faith and hard work in deepening the relationship" And this is something I must have heard from everyone who has made a significant contribution to my cultural development (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, community leaders.) Maybe you should be the one to be teaching the course. Thank you! I would love to talk to you more if you read this comment.

zentiggr 5y ago

This resonates with me in a somewhat unexpected way - exposing a lack of self-confidence, or believing that any choice you make will automatically be worse. I have specific life circumstances that set that belief deep in my bones. I am working my way out of this lack of self-esteem, probably layered with some depression.

gexla 5y ago
Take a look at another comment on my thread, I think this person gets it. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27537891 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27537891 The most important value is in the depths of the thing once we have committed. This makes the commitment all that more important. Good or bad choice, the real value is uncovered with that further digging. Maybe the question of what's the best thing to be doing is missing the point?

ehnto 5y ago

I've been like that with everything for most of my life. One trick I use is to allow myself to begin something without committing, or deciding that my next actions are going to be exploratory, making them non-concrete and easier to start. Giving yourself license to change your mind gets rid of a lot of anxiety behind starting. I do have to balance that with the need to actually finish stuff, but I'm better off getting started regardless. Better to be in it and involved than sitting on the sidelines. Like some of the other comments have mentioned, making any decision is better than no decision, even if you later find it was the wrong decision.

deleted 5y ago
[deleted]

schelling42 5y ago

I had this feeling you describe. It waned, as i got older and more worried about achieving anything at all in life. But the final push to change my attitude on this one came by reading a post on thelastpsychiatrist.com, with this great quote in it: > But whatever happens, your future happiness is entirely related to your ability to impose your own limits on your freedom. > The time has come to not be everything you want to be, but to be one thing you've wanted to be.