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This is harrowing. I hope you can keep finding energy to give people a chance. I believe everyone has their 'people' but the tragedy is that it can take an enti

This is harrowing. I hope you can keep finding energy to give people a chance. I believe everyone has their 'people' but the tragedy is that it can take an entire lifetime to discover them. Finding someone with even less, and giving them some of yours, can have wildly unpredictable rewards. And even if there is no reward, it's still damned distracting in a way that we need. Don't give up on people, even when they all let you down so far.

failwhaleshark 5y ago
That's the "lite," family-friendly, optimistic version. Between the ages of 13-16, I fantasized repeatedly about how to blow myself up in the middle of nowhere to leave no trace. When you do the same thing and expect a different result, isn't that the definition of stupidity or insanity? At some point, the problem is you if people react the similarly. So, it's either a matter of forcing other people to be uncomfortable, trying much harder to remember the thousands of ways to not make others uncomfortable, or giving up. I am guilty of oversharing, of assuming familiarity too quickly, and of anxious-avoidance. And, more recently, I had a test result of testosterone come back as 200 when it was 800 (300-1000 normal)... no idea yet why it is so low, but I do have a headache, sleepiness, sleeplessness, and no energy at all all of the time. I also need to look at it from another perspective: I am defective in the natural selection of things, or I would've been selected for. That's the breaks of mutations, recombination, and selection: not everyone can be a bulletproof, perfectly clear-headed, polyglot, polymath, artistic, model, comedian, and graceful social master. Between about 19-20 (1998-9), I went hikikomori around the corner from eBay. And then, 30-38 (2009-17) I lived in vehicles in the Valley. I had to move during the pandemic but I don't know anyone in ATX. The neighbors I've met are by-and-large, immature, vain, gossiping kidults so intensely concerned about appearances and status amongst the other elitist, self-absorbed, self-esteem (learned narcissism), entitled nobodies. They're mostly sales people, low-level managers, marketing people, and coders of the Millennial generation from 75th-downwards colleges without advanced degrees who assume they're so amazing and living-it-up because they can afford a relatively-expensive apartment (it's cheap for me). They party too hard with substances, so I also backed-off. Recently around the pool, I saw a guy who was a dead ringer for a Soviet illegal posing as a WASP from Spies Like Us. The two women he met were wearing dresses that looked like solid-colored Lolita packages with giant bows on the back. They were, of course, unwilling to acknowledge the presence of anyone but themselves. I thought I was watching performance art, some sort of kink, religious sect, foreign visitors, or they arrived on a time-machine from Massachusetts in 1987.

failwhaleshark 5y ago

That's the "lite," family-friendly, optimistic version. Between the ages of 13-16, I fantasized repeatedly about how to blow myself up in the middle of nowhere to leave no trace. When you do the same thing and expect a different result, isn't that the definition of stupidity or insanity? At some point, the problem is you if people react the similarly. So, it's either a matter of forcing other people to be uncomfortable, trying much harder to remember the thousands of ways to not make others uncomfortable, or giving up. I am guilty of oversharing, of assuming familiarity too quickly, and of anxious-avoidance. And, more recently, I had a test result of testosterone come back as 200 when it was 800 (300-1000 normal)... no idea yet why it is so low, but I do have a headache, sleepiness, sleeplessness, and no energy at all all of the time. I also need to look at it from another perspective: I am defective in the natural selection of things, or I would've been selected for. That's the breaks of mutations, recombination, and selection: not everyone can be a bulletproof, perfectly clear-headed, polyglot, polymath, artistic, model, comedian, and graceful social master. Between about 19-20 (1998-9), I went hikikomori around the corner from eBay. And then, 30-38 (2009-17) I lived in vehicles in the Valley. I had to move during the pandemic but I don't know anyone in ATX. The neighbors I've met are by-and-large, immature, vain, gossiping kidults so intensely concerned about appearances and status amongst the other elitist, self-absorbed, self-esteem (learned narcissism), entitled nobodies. They're mostly sales people, low-level managers, marketing people, and coders of the Millennial generation from 75th-downwards colleges without advanced degrees who assume they're so amazing and living-it-up because they can afford a relatively-expensive apartment (it's cheap for me). They party too hard with substances, so I also backed-off. Recently around the pool, I saw a guy who was a dead ringer for a Soviet illegal posing as a WASP from Spies Like Us. The two women he met were wearing dresses that looked like solid-colored Lolita packages with giant bows on the back. They were, of course, unwilling to acknowledge the presence of anyone but themselves. I thought I was watching performance art, some sort of kink, religious sect, foreign visitors, or they arrived on a time-machine from Massachusetts in 1987.