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ADHD-PI at 38. Well, it didn't help except to try psychiatric meds that I can't tolerate. 25 years after dad declared "Damn psychologist [sic] quacks don't kno

ADHD-PI at 38. Well, it didn't help except to try psychiatric meds that I can't tolerate. 25 years after dad declared "Damn psychologist [sic] quacks don't know what they're talking about. They're liberals trying to control boys with medication. It's a myth!" And now I can't interact with people properly because they all think I'm a weirdo. How many close friends do I have? 0 How many friends do I have? 0 How many acquaintances do I have? 0.25 How many family members do I have? 1 It's not even recognized or appreciated by Americans, they just automatically reject me and then must gossip about how I'm a terrible weirdo. I still try, but there's almost no return on effort. I shouldn't even bother because it's futile. It's why I do most everything for myself, by myself, and I never depend on anyone else unless I pay them (transactionalization and commodification of every interaction). If you don't plan on having a family, I highly-suggest staying in top physical and mental shape, or you'll end-up warehoused in some disgusting, horrible place at the end of your life where your life will be hell and cut short. How many times have I thought about suicide? Hundreds. Seriously? Dozens.

digitalsushi 5y ago
This is harrowing. I hope you can keep finding energy to give people a chance. I believe everyone has their 'people' but the tragedy is that it can take an entire lifetime to discover them. Finding someone with even less, and giving them some of yours, can have wildly unpredictable rewards. And even if there is no reward, it's still damned distracting in a way that we need. Don't give up on people, even when they all let you down so far.
- failwhaleshark 5y ago
  That's the "lite," family-friendly, optimistic version. Between the ages of 13-16, I fantasized repeatedly about how to blow myself up in the middle of nowhere to leave no trace. When you do the same thing and expect a different result, isn't that the definition of stupidity or insanity? At some point, the problem is you if people react the similarly. So, it's either a matter of forcing other people to be uncomfortable, trying much harder to remember the thousands of ways to not make others uncomfortable, or giving up. I am guilty of oversharing, of assuming familiarity too quickly, and of anxious-avoidance. And, more recently, I had a test result of testosterone come back as 200 when it was 800 (300-1000 normal)... no idea yet why it is so low, but I do have a headache, sleepiness, sleeplessness, and no energy at all all of the time. I also need to look at it from another perspective: I am defective in the natural selection of things, or I would've been selected for. That's the breaks of mutations, recombination, and selection: not everyone can be a bulletproof, perfectly clear-headed, polyglot, polymath, artistic, model, comedian, and graceful social master. Between about 19-20 (1998-9), I went hikikomori around the corner from eBay. And then, 30-38 (2009-17) I lived in vehicles in the Valley. I had to move during the pandemic but I don't know anyone in ATX. The neighbors I've met are by-and-large, immature, vain, gossiping kidults so intensely concerned about appearances and status amongst the other elitist, self-absorbed, self-esteem (learned narcissism), entitled nobodies. They're mostly sales people, low-level managers, marketing people, and coders of the Millennial generation from 75th-downwards colleges without advanced degrees who assume they're so amazing and living-it-up because they can afford a relatively-expensive apartment (it's cheap for me). They party too hard with substances, so I also backed-off. Recently around the pool, I saw a guy who was a dead ringer for a Soviet illegal posing as a WASP from Spies Like Us. The two women he met were wearing dresses that looked like solid-colored Lolita packages with giant bows on the back. They were, of course, unwilling to acknowledge the presence of anyone but themselves. I thought I was watching performance art, some sort of kink, religious sect, foreign visitors, or they arrived on a time-machine from Massachusetts in 1987.
codpiece 5y ago
Oh, dear God. I am so sorry to hear your story. Don't give up, friend. There's a place on this earth for all of us, no matter how weird we are.
- failwhaleshark 5y ago
  Maybe I just chose the wrong physical place to live amongst a bunch of shallow, narcissistic, Millennial, "party hard, bro!," "stock broker"-types who emotionally failed-to-launch past high school. All the dudes I swear have an IQ about 105 and do exactly the same thing: show off their muscles everyday at the pool and try to impress the ladies with their physiques, their sunglasses, and backwards hats.

digitalsushi 5y ago

This is harrowing. I hope you can keep finding energy to give people a chance. I believe everyone has their 'people' but the tragedy is that it can take an entire lifetime to discover them. Finding someone with even less, and giving them some of yours, can have wildly unpredictable rewards. And even if there is no reward, it's still damned distracting in a way that we need. Don't give up on people, even when they all let you down so far.

failwhaleshark 5y ago
That's the "lite," family-friendly, optimistic version. Between the ages of 13-16, I fantasized repeatedly about how to blow myself up in the middle of nowhere to leave no trace. When you do the same thing and expect a different result, isn't that the definition of stupidity or insanity? At some point, the problem is you if people react the similarly. So, it's either a matter of forcing other people to be uncomfortable, trying much harder to remember the thousands of ways to not make others uncomfortable, or giving up. I am guilty of oversharing, of assuming familiarity too quickly, and of anxious-avoidance. And, more recently, I had a test result of testosterone come back as 200 when it was 800 (300-1000 normal)... no idea yet why it is so low, but I do have a headache, sleepiness, sleeplessness, and no energy at all all of the time. I also need to look at it from another perspective: I am defective in the natural selection of things, or I would've been selected for. That's the breaks of mutations, recombination, and selection: not everyone can be a bulletproof, perfectly clear-headed, polyglot, polymath, artistic, model, comedian, and graceful social master. Between about 19-20 (1998-9), I went hikikomori around the corner from eBay. And then, 30-38 (2009-17) I lived in vehicles in the Valley. I had to move during the pandemic but I don't know anyone in ATX. The neighbors I've met are by-and-large, immature, vain, gossiping kidults so intensely concerned about appearances and status amongst the other elitist, self-absorbed, self-esteem (learned narcissism), entitled nobodies. They're mostly sales people, low-level managers, marketing people, and coders of the Millennial generation from 75th-downwards colleges without advanced degrees who assume they're so amazing and living-it-up because they can afford a relatively-expensive apartment (it's cheap for me). They party too hard with substances, so I also backed-off. Recently around the pool, I saw a guy who was a dead ringer for a Soviet illegal posing as a WASP from Spies Like Us. The two women he met were wearing dresses that looked like solid-colored Lolita packages with giant bows on the back. They were, of course, unwilling to acknowledge the presence of anyone but themselves. I thought I was watching performance art, some sort of kink, religious sect, foreign visitors, or they arrived on a time-machine from Massachusetts in 1987.

codpiece 5y ago

Oh, dear God. I am so sorry to hear your story. Don't give up, friend. There's a place on this earth for all of us, no matter how weird we are.

failwhaleshark 5y ago
Maybe I just chose the wrong physical place to live amongst a bunch of shallow, narcissistic, Millennial, "party hard, bro!," "stock broker"-types who emotionally failed-to-launch past high school. All the dudes I swear have an IQ about 105 and do exactly the same thing: show off their muscles everyday at the pool and try to impress the ladies with their physiques, their sunglasses, and backwards hats.