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How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. Effective communication is about listening more than speaking. It all boils down to people wanting to

How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. Effective communication is about listening more than speaking. It all boils down to people wanting to feel important. In order to influence people, you have to open yourself up to being influenced by them first.

kevinskii 5y ago
This recommendation always comes up in this sort of discussion, and I wholeheartedly agree with it. This book greatly affected the way I interact with people. It also lends itself well to just reading a random chapter here or there depending on what catches your interest.
- sillysaurusx 5y ago
  It’s a good book, and I came here to recommend it too. But it didn’t help me for a long time. The key is to actually care about those around you, more than your own goals. I think this wasn’t emphasized enough. It’s also how you win your goals, most of the time.
  - johnwheeler 5y ago
    I actually read it with a more cynical mindset. The examples he gives like the one in the 1st chapter about the gangster who was in a shootout with the police—he’d killed and robbed people—but he didn’t blame himself for the situation he was in. He actually felt very sorry for himself. Then Carnegie says “people don’t blame themselves for anything”, which in general is very, very true. It’s not a feature of human nature that makes it easier to care about others so much as it’s confirmation of my own suspicions about human behavior. There are many such confirmations in that book that made me realize I didn’t have it wrong this whole time. It made me look at human nature more objectively, take it less personally, and navigate it more effectively.
BeetleB 5y ago
I read this book after having read other communications books. While it does have its merits, other books really are better. And there's enough in here to put off others. As an example, it says that you should never give negative feedback to people even when they are requesting it. And no, it's not "I'm uncomfortable giving you negative feedback", but instead the advice is to directly lie to them and tell them there is nothing negative to convey.
- deleted 5y ago
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- ramblerman 5y ago
  It says to never criticise someone, especially in public. You've extrapolated a bit weaving in this modern MBA idea where we should all seek feedback. Carnegie just deals with very basic human emotion and I'd wager to say he is still right. People asking for negative feedback are participating in these MBA rituals, but don't actually want to hear criticism about themselves.
  - BeetleB 5y ago
    > People asking for negative feedback are participating in these MBA rituals, but don't actually want to hear criticism about themselves. While true for many, this statement is factually untrue for many others (including myself). There are a number of people whose opinion I can never trust because they follow Dale's advice. > You've extrapolated a bit weaving in this modern MBA idea where we should all seek feedback. I've done no such thing. If you do not wish to seek feedback, I am quite at peace with that. :-) To be clear, the book explicitly called out the case where someone is seeking negative feedback. I did not extrapolate from a generic "Do not criticize someone".
    - johnwheeler 5y ago
      No, the books says never criticize, condemn, nor complain. People don’t seek negative feedback so that’s not the issue. And, how can you trust people who give you “constructive criticism” any more than people who don’t? I would argue people who criticize others usually have selfish motives for doing so eg. making themselves feel better about their own shortcomings or making other people feel and look bad.

kevinskii 5y ago

This recommendation always comes up in this sort of discussion, and I wholeheartedly agree with it. This book greatly affected the way I interact with people. It also lends itself well to just reading a random chapter here or there depending on what catches your interest.

sillysaurusx 5y ago
It’s a good book, and I came here to recommend it too. But it didn’t help me for a long time. The key is to actually care about those around you, more than your own goals. I think this wasn’t emphasized enough. It’s also how you win your goals, most of the time.
- johnwheeler 5y ago
  I actually read it with a more cynical mindset. The examples he gives like the one in the 1st chapter about the gangster who was in a shootout with the police—he’d killed and robbed people—but he didn’t blame himself for the situation he was in. He actually felt very sorry for himself. Then Carnegie says “people don’t blame themselves for anything”, which in general is very, very true. It’s not a feature of human nature that makes it easier to care about others so much as it’s confirmation of my own suspicions about human behavior. There are many such confirmations in that book that made me realize I didn’t have it wrong this whole time. It made me look at human nature more objectively, take it less personally, and navigate it more effectively.

BeetleB 5y ago

I read this book after having read other communications books. While it does have its merits, other books really are better. And there's enough in here to put off others. As an example, it says that you should never give negative feedback to people even when they are requesting it. And no, it's not "I'm uncomfortable giving you negative feedback", but instead the advice is to directly lie to them and tell them there is nothing negative to convey.

deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
ramblerman 5y ago
It says to never criticise someone, especially in public. You've extrapolated a bit weaving in this modern MBA idea where we should all seek feedback. Carnegie just deals with very basic human emotion and I'd wager to say he is still right. People asking for negative feedback are participating in these MBA rituals, but don't actually want to hear criticism about themselves.
- BeetleB 5y ago
  > People asking for negative feedback are participating in these MBA rituals, but don't actually want to hear criticism about themselves. While true for many, this statement is factually untrue for many others (including myself). There are a number of people whose opinion I can never trust because they follow Dale's advice. > You've extrapolated a bit weaving in this modern MBA idea where we should all seek feedback. I've done no such thing. If you do not wish to seek feedback, I am quite at peace with that. :-) To be clear, the book explicitly called out the case where someone is seeking negative feedback. I did not extrapolate from a generic "Do not criticize someone".
  - johnwheeler 5y ago
    No, the books says never criticize, condemn, nor complain. People don’t seek negative feedback so that’s not the issue. And, how can you trust people who give you “constructive criticism” any more than people who don’t? I would argue people who criticize others usually have selfish motives for doing so eg. making themselves feel better about their own shortcomings or making other people feel and look bad.