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We have more opportunities to interact with more people from all walks of life from all over the world in a way that is unprecedented. Marginalized groups have

by least 5y ago

We have more opportunities to interact with more people from all walks of life from all over the world in a way that is unprecedented. Marginalized groups have found ways to connect to people like them (which would have been impossible in the past). They've found validation about their identity and made real friends. There's so many positive aspects about the society and world we live in today. But because there's so much opportunity for connection today, there's also so many more opportunities for rejection which, as the author puts it, "becomes a painful memory, no matter how many." Occasionally I'll think to look up someone that I hadn't thought of in a while on Facebook, only to find that they, some time ago, removed me from their friends list. No matter how far removed we were from each other in real life, this always kind of stings. The action requires effort on their part; they look at my profile and evaluate our friendship, or lack thereof, and actively decide that no, they don't want me to be a part of their life anymore, no matter how socially removed Facebook is from it. I've been removed and rejected from participating in their life in this way. I've also dealt with people of whom I thought I was pretty close and they suddenly drop all contact with me. What did I do to make her not want to be my friend anymore? I don't know. Should I have done something differently? Probably. Is she going through some shit? I don't know and I can't find out. It's frustrating and depressing and is damaging to my already fragile ego. I don't really have any friends, anymore. There are people that I will occasionally talk to but every year it feels like I've become more and more isolated, despite the fact that there's so much more available out there. Internal factors like depression, anxiety, and ADHD play a part, for sure. When you stop participating in social activities enough for long enough, even the most loyal friends will stop putting in the effort to maintain a relationship with you when they get so little back in return. It's selfish to expect them to do so. Life marches forward at an almost cruel pace. It doesn't care that I need a breather. That I'm starving for affection or that I'm searching for the faintest drop of connection with another human being. It cares not that the rejections are piling up on top of me making it gradually harder and harder for me to move. It continues on and I have to keep moving forward. Hopefully at some point on the way I can find someone who, if not ease my burden, can at least commiserate as we continue to march forward through it together.

rubin55 5y ago
It sounds like you’re in a bind. Truly hope everything is ok-ish in any case. I’m rubin55 on Libera.chat, rann on OFTC. If you ever feel like having a chat, send me a dm. You can also send me a message on me@rubin55.org. Don’t know if I can make a difference, but your message rings true with me.. life and relationships with peeps really got strange in the last decade(s) or so, and all this COVID business didn’t help much either! In any case, hang in there and try not to get too much down about the apparent bleakness of it all; sometimes a few days/some time makes all the difference in how a particular moment feels.
op03 5y ago
If 2 ppl are running on a track, given different needs, abilities, personalities, life experience etc to get into sync usually one has to slow down and the other has to speed up. But staying in that state for ever can be quite an unnatural thing, because both aren't running at their natural pace. So communication is key. People need to hear that you appreciate when they slow down for you. They need to hear what made you want to speed up for them. They need to hear you arent holding them responsible to stay in sync with you forever but that you enjoy their company and the reasons why. They need to hear where you are heading and why you think its going to be fun. It becomes easier to reconnect with people when you spend time thinking about and verbalizing some of these things. Its all about just being honest and saying simple things. You can do it.
nonbirithm 5y ago
I've always seen making friends as another hobby that I fail to remain interested in. But unlike hobbies like gushing about television shows or tending gardens, it's frequently stated that you need people to remain mentally healthy at a certain point. My gut feeling towards this sentiment is that given how ambivalent or ruthless some people have been to me when I've tried to play the social tact game, saying that making friends is not just another interest is so unfair that it angers me. (Then again, life generally isn't fair to begin with.) My issue is similar: the strangers I meet ultimately don't see enough of a reason to keep interacting with me after a certain point, because my interests lie elsewhere. I just find playing the social game and trying to win favor tiresome and depressing, usually not having much to talk about in the end that wouldn't be forcing it or pretentious, and unless the relationship is therapeutic or deliberately a "reach out to me if you want to talk for a few days" sort of thing, it's never worked a single time, so I'm not even in a place to understand what the benefits of a lasting friendship even are, except having someone to endlessly and selfishly vent to. But people are still pressuring me to get friends. Still it's a challenge that I'm not even sure I feel like surmounting in the first place, not when I don't understand what I'm working towards. And yet I'm up against a body of people that I have the responsibility to convince that I'm worthy of their limited time for this supposed need that will end up killing me if I fail to fulfill it, which from my experience, lack of relatable interests and limited attention span I'm generally not. I mean, when it feels like the social aspect of your life is just a void and all you believe that having a friend would do is fill that void with something else, is that friendship even going to be be healthy? How can friendships be cultivated with someone that just cannot find a way to care about friendship in the first place? About the only hope I feel I have is stumbling across someone who has the same disorders as I do, or has a child with one of those disorders, which would temper their outlook on people of my kind to be much more forgiving and patient. (In fact, that's about the only thing related to meeting people that's ever gone well in my life.) Then I would be able to talk about my behavioral patterns without a fear of being rejected due to there not being any way the person can empathize with something they don't want to understand. Ironic, given I don't really care about understanding a lot of things, and at times it feels like I can't help that. Why do some people like writing novels over watching movies? Maybe making friends will never be my hobby, and you probably wouldn't force yourself to get into a hobby that you actively dislike. But failing to remain interested in that hobby could significantly harm my chances of success in life.

by least 5y ago

rubin55 5y ago

It sounds like you’re in a bind. Truly hope everything is ok-ish in any case. I’m rubin55 on Libera.chat, rann on OFTC. If you ever feel like having a chat, send me a dm. You can also send me a message on me@rubin55.org. Don’t know if I can make a difference, but your message rings true with me.. life and relationships with peeps really got strange in the last decade(s) or so, and all this COVID business didn’t help much either! In any case, hang in there and try not to get too much down about the apparent bleakness of it all; sometimes a few days/some time makes all the difference in how a particular moment feels.

op03 5y ago

If 2 ppl are running on a track, given different needs, abilities, personalities, life experience etc to get into sync usually one has to slow down and the other has to speed up. But staying in that state for ever can be quite an unnatural thing, because both aren't running at their natural pace. So communication is key. People need to hear that you appreciate when they slow down for you. They need to hear what made you want to speed up for them. They need to hear you arent holding them responsible to stay in sync with you forever but that you enjoy their company and the reasons why. They need to hear where you are heading and why you think its going to be fun. It becomes easier to reconnect with people when you spend time thinking about and verbalizing some of these things. Its all about just being honest and saying simple things. You can do it.

nonbirithm 5y ago

I've always seen making friends as another hobby that I fail to remain interested in. But unlike hobbies like gushing about television shows or tending gardens, it's frequently stated that you need people to remain mentally healthy at a certain point. My gut feeling towards this sentiment is that given how ambivalent or ruthless some people have been to me when I've tried to play the social tact game, saying that making friends is not just another interest is so unfair that it angers me. (Then again, life generally isn't fair to begin with.) My issue is similar: the strangers I meet ultimately don't see enough of a reason to keep interacting with me after a certain point, because my interests lie elsewhere. I just find playing the social game and trying to win favor tiresome and depressing, usually not having much to talk about in the end that wouldn't be forcing it or pretentious, and unless the relationship is therapeutic or deliberately a "reach out to me if you want to talk for a few days" sort of thing, it's never worked a single time, so I'm not even in a place to understand what the benefits of a lasting friendship even are, except having someone to endlessly and selfishly vent to. But people are still pressuring me to get friends. Still it's a challenge that I'm not even sure I feel like surmounting in the first place, not when I don't understand what I'm working towards. And yet I'm up against a body of people that I have the responsibility to convince that I'm worthy of their limited time for this supposed need that will end up killing me if I fail to fulfill it, which from my experience, lack of relatable interests and limited attention span I'm generally not. I mean, when it feels like the social aspect of your life is just a void and all you believe that having a friend would do is fill that void with something else, is that friendship even going to be be healthy? How can friendships be cultivated with someone that just cannot find a way to care about friendship in the first place? About the only hope I feel I have is stumbling across someone who has the same disorders as I do, or has a child with one of those disorders, which would temper their outlook on people of my kind to be much more forgiving and patient. (In fact, that's about the only thing related to meeting people that's ever gone well in my life.) Then I would be able to talk about my behavioral patterns without a fear of being rejected due to there not being any way the person can empathize with something they don't want to understand. Ironic, given I don't really care about understanding a lot of things, and at times it feels like I can't help that. Why do some people like writing novels over watching movies? Maybe making friends will never be my hobby, and you probably wouldn't force yourself to get into a hobby that you actively dislike. But failing to remain interested in that hobby could significantly harm my chances of success in life.