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You're absolutely right. People are not reacting the way you had hoped. They are reacting by questioning the assertions in the article in ways that don't engage

by Kalium 5y ago

You're absolutely right. People are not reacting the way you had hoped. They are reacting by questioning the assertions in the article in ways that don't engage with the author's fundamental humanity. They are treating it like an alien artifact reflecting on a far-off culture. What if readers came in, reacted with warmth and kindness and empathy and compassion, and engaged with the article in a way that validated the author's experiences while perhaps gently questioning the article's conclusions? Would that be cold? Or would the abject failure to reflect when confronted with key truths from the life of a real person make you sick to your stomach?

isomorph 5y ago
Thanks for the considered reply. I don’t think it would be cold and I don’t think I would have such a visceral reaction. I think the offhand tone implies a kind of misplaced confidence and shutting down of conversation - almost contempt - which is not a good way to start a conversation.
- Kalium 5y ago
  You're completely right. The offhand tone many have adopted is how they might react to a purely technical piece, rather than someone's genuine pain exposed to their view. It would, after all, not be wildly out of place to react to a technically detailed root cause analysis document by questioning some of its assertions that struck readers as overreaching. For my own part, when I find myself reacting to someone's tone I sometimes find it valuable to pause and consider why they would adopt it. It can help me separate the other person's tone from the real, valid, lived experience that is my internal emotional reaction. Empathy cannot just be a thing I demand of others.
  - isomorph 5y ago
    That makes sense. Regarding your final sentence - I guess I felt that for me it’s been the other way round. I feel that in most HN discussions I had silently been empathetic and not demanded any level of empathy from anyone, and clearly that was not going to work in this instance.
    - Kalium 5y ago
      My key has been to engage my empathy for everyone concerned. To read an article and engage my empathy for the author and the pain some know all too well is a necessary step. Yet to assume that all other readers will do the same is perhaps a opportunity to engage in empathy for them and how different their lives might have been. I find I'm often surprised by the actions and reactions of people I have put minimal effort into empathizing with. Sometimes I find their unexpected warmth welcoming, or their callous coldness a sickening contrast. Some - like myself - have a learned aversion to anything that tries too hard and too overtly to tug on my heartstrings.

by Kalium 5y ago

isomorph 5y ago

Thanks for the considered reply. I don’t think it would be cold and I don’t think I would have such a visceral reaction. I think the offhand tone implies a kind of misplaced confidence and shutting down of conversation - almost contempt - which is not a good way to start a conversation.

Kalium 5y ago
You're completely right. The offhand tone many have adopted is how they might react to a purely technical piece, rather than someone's genuine pain exposed to their view. It would, after all, not be wildly out of place to react to a technically detailed root cause analysis document by questioning some of its assertions that struck readers as overreaching. For my own part, when I find myself reacting to someone's tone I sometimes find it valuable to pause and consider why they would adopt it. It can help me separate the other person's tone from the real, valid, lived experience that is my internal emotional reaction. Empathy cannot just be a thing I demand of others.
- isomorph 5y ago
  That makes sense. Regarding your final sentence - I guess I felt that for me it’s been the other way round. I feel that in most HN discussions I had silently been empathetic and not demanded any level of empathy from anyone, and clearly that was not going to work in this instance.
  - Kalium 5y ago
    My key has been to engage my empathy for everyone concerned. To read an article and engage my empathy for the author and the pain some know all too well is a necessary step. Yet to assume that all other readers will do the same is perhaps a opportunity to engage in empathy for them and how different their lives might have been. I find I'm often surprised by the actions and reactions of people I have put minimal effort into empathizing with. Sometimes I find their unexpected warmth welcoming, or their callous coldness a sickening contrast. Some - like myself - have a learned aversion to anything that tries too hard and too overtly to tug on my heartstrings.