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Different people have wildly different definition of introvert vs extrovert as well. I find that "gets energy from interaction vs lose energy from interaction"

Different people have wildly different definition of introvert vs extrovert as well. I find that "gets energy from interaction vs lose energy from interaction" is more productive than "shy vs loud". I was visibly shy for first two decades of my life; I look (and am) a "people person" for the last two decades and most recent friends/colleagues wouldn't know I'm an introvert; and I'm doing reasonably well in people-manager role. But whereas after a hard day my sister wants to go out and party and this will rejuvenate her, after a hard day I want... nay, need, some "me time" - alone with book or computer or tv or music to recharge. I'm stereotypically the first person to leave a party of my best friends - I love them, I love our time together, but at some point I had enough input and need to depart. My point is: I think "introvert" is a defining characteristic of me; but "have people skills" is just that - skills. I don't think I'll ever change whether I gain or lose energy from social interactions; that seems a pretty built-in aspect of my personality. But I can and did tremendously change how I actually interact with people - it may come easy to some, harder to others, and seemingly impossible to yet others, but it is in principle a learnable, acquirable skill. So, "6% of Business executives think introverts have people skills needed" makes me think this is an accidentally tautology - I'm pretty sure they mentally have defined "introverts" as "those with poor people skills", and that's not I think the most accurate definition.

galangalalgol 5y ago
My wife and I are both introverted, but people often don't believe that, especially with her. But after a party, or an event we are both exhausted. For me at least I think it comes from the effort I have to use to model the mental state of others. It does not come naturally.
- Biologist123 5y ago
  Fascinating insight.
- wiz21c 5y ago
  I understand what you say 5/5. I spend a lot of energy trying my best to understand others, to go beyond their facade, to ask about thing I disagree with, etc. Also, I have hard times when people judge or mock me (even if done in friendly way), etc. I hardly pass over it so, again, takes some energy.
- neonological 5y ago
  It's more complicated then introversion or extroversion. You are describing high empathy and fear of not pleasing others. You act a certain way to cater to other people and possibly spend way too much energy on it, hence the exhaustion. Most people aren't constantly modelling the mental state of others. You don't need to be in a constant state of anticipating the emotions of the other party when talking to them. Just talk. Don't spend too many cycles overly concerned about what others think.
  - galangalalgol 5y ago
    I tend to be rude, insensitive, or even offensive if I don't run a background process to prevent it. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, it just happens because I think differently, so my instinctual model for reasonable speech is different too. Those things I say wouldn't offend me for instance. After people get to know me and understand I can mostly turn it off and they will forgive. Strangers, or clients, I keep it running.
    - danenania 5y ago
      I think the ideal is likely some middle ground between no filter whatsoever and trying to meticulously model the mental states of others, which definitely does sound exhausting. Rather than focus so much on others, it may work better to focus on making your own mental state relaxed, amused, lighthearted, etc. and then try to include others in that without worrying much about their states of mind. A lot of what attracts people socially is simply maintaining the ‘right’ mood—one that is enjoyable and accessible to others. The details of what someone says or does are less important. You might notice that many life-of-the-party types aren’t necessarily that empathetic or “good listeners” or whatever when you talk to them. These things can help, but aren’t necessary or sufficient to make people generally enjoy being around someone. Much more important is simply that the person is visibly, genuinely having a good time, and is generating that sense of well-being for themselves rather than relying on others to supply it for them.
      - galangalalgol 5y ago
- edwinyzh 5y ago
  Wow! Fantastic insights! Now I have a clue about why introverts lose energy from interaction... Would love to see more materials on this topic - why introverts lose energy from interaction.
isoskeles 5y ago
I've had similar experiences in my own career. People skills are just that, skills which can be practiced. As an aside, your last paragraph made me think of a funny edge-case, the extrovert with poor people skills. This might look like a person who seeks out social interactions and may try to start or force a conversation without knowing when to end it or whether the other participant is enjoying it or feels like they're being held hostage.
- NikolaNovak 5y ago
  Sooo.... Will Farrel? 0:->
cout 5y ago
I find the "gets energy from" definition to be too situation-dependent. All personality trait definitions suffer from this, but some more than others. Consider an extrovert who just spent a whole week not getting any privacy, not even to use the loo. That person may very well test as an introvert at the end of the week. Or consider an introvert who has been isolated from her closest friends for a month due to an illness. That person may test as an extrovert at the end of the month. I tend to think of introversion as "tendency to be content with solitude", the difference being that instead of needing to recharge by being alone, an introvert is OK with being alone for a time. Most introverts still need social interaction, but they want to set the terms of that interaction. I also think of introversion as "tendency to rely on inner dialogue". I have to go away and be alone to understand a problem, then come back and discuss the solution. Other people need someone else to provide that dialogue; I imagine them as having an inner monologue, but I can't see inside their minds. I'm not a psychologist and I don't know if these definitions hold water. I'm just an introvert who over a lifetime has learned it can fun to be outgoing, and that being a leader requires practice and a good role model, regardless of whether you are introverted or extraverted.
- SturgeonsLaw 5y ago
  > Other people need someone else to provide that dialogue; I imagine them as having an inner monologue, but I can't see inside their minds. One of the most surprising realisations of my life was reading that a portion of the population don't have an inner dialogue. The constant stream of verbiage that the voice inside my head uses to articulate my experiences seems such a fundamental part of consciousness that I struggle to picture life without it. I wonder how much, if at all, that phenomenon contributes to the personality of people who think out loud.
- PowerBar 5y ago
  > Or consider an introvert who has been isolated from her closest friends for a month due to an illness. That person may test as an extrovert at the end of the month. As an introvert who lives alone and took an extended break from work around the time the COVID lock-down started, I can tell you for certain that I would not have tested as an extrovert at any point.

galangalalgol 5y ago

My wife and I are both introverted, but people often don't believe that, especially with her. But after a party, or an event we are both exhausted. For me at least I think it comes from the effort I have to use to model the mental state of others. It does not come naturally.

Biologist123 5y ago
Fascinating insight.
wiz21c 5y ago
I understand what you say 5/5. I spend a lot of energy trying my best to understand others, to go beyond their facade, to ask about thing I disagree with, etc. Also, I have hard times when people judge or mock me (even if done in friendly way), etc. I hardly pass over it so, again, takes some energy.
neonological 5y ago
It's more complicated then introversion or extroversion. You are describing high empathy and fear of not pleasing others. You act a certain way to cater to other people and possibly spend way too much energy on it, hence the exhaustion. Most people aren't constantly modelling the mental state of others. You don't need to be in a constant state of anticipating the emotions of the other party when talking to them. Just talk. Don't spend too many cycles overly concerned about what others think.
- galangalalgol 5y ago
  I tend to be rude, insensitive, or even offensive if I don't run a background process to prevent it. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, it just happens because I think differently, so my instinctual model for reasonable speech is different too. Those things I say wouldn't offend me for instance. After people get to know me and understand I can mostly turn it off and they will forgive. Strangers, or clients, I keep it running.
  - danenania 5y ago
    I think the ideal is likely some middle ground between no filter whatsoever and trying to meticulously model the mental states of others, which definitely does sound exhausting. Rather than focus so much on others, it may work better to focus on making your own mental state relaxed, amused, lighthearted, etc. and then try to include others in that without worrying much about their states of mind. A lot of what attracts people socially is simply maintaining the ‘right’ mood—one that is enjoyable and accessible to others. The details of what someone says or does are less important. You might notice that many life-of-the-party types aren’t necessarily that empathetic or “good listeners” or whatever when you talk to them. These things can help, but aren’t necessary or sufficient to make people generally enjoy being around someone. Much more important is simply that the person is visibly, genuinely having a good time, and is generating that sense of well-being for themselves rather than relying on others to supply it for them.
    - galangalalgol 5y ago
edwinyzh 5y ago
Wow! Fantastic insights! Now I have a clue about why introverts lose energy from interaction... Would love to see more materials on this topic - why introverts lose energy from interaction.

isoskeles 5y ago

I've had similar experiences in my own career. People skills are just that, skills which can be practiced. As an aside, your last paragraph made me think of a funny edge-case, the extrovert with poor people skills. This might look like a person who seeks out social interactions and may try to start or force a conversation without knowing when to end it or whether the other participant is enjoying it or feels like they're being held hostage.

NikolaNovak 5y ago
Sooo.... Will Farrel? 0:->

cout 5y ago

I find the "gets energy from" definition to be too situation-dependent. All personality trait definitions suffer from this, but some more than others. Consider an extrovert who just spent a whole week not getting any privacy, not even to use the loo. That person may very well test as an introvert at the end of the week. Or consider an introvert who has been isolated from her closest friends for a month due to an illness. That person may test as an extrovert at the end of the month. I tend to think of introversion as "tendency to be content with solitude", the difference being that instead of needing to recharge by being alone, an introvert is OK with being alone for a time. Most introverts still need social interaction, but they want to set the terms of that interaction. I also think of introversion as "tendency to rely on inner dialogue". I have to go away and be alone to understand a problem, then come back and discuss the solution. Other people need someone else to provide that dialogue; I imagine them as having an inner monologue, but I can't see inside their minds. I'm not a psychologist and I don't know if these definitions hold water. I'm just an introvert who over a lifetime has learned it can fun to be outgoing, and that being a leader requires practice and a good role model, regardless of whether you are introverted or extraverted.

SturgeonsLaw 5y ago
> Other people need someone else to provide that dialogue; I imagine them as having an inner monologue, but I can't see inside their minds. One of the most surprising realisations of my life was reading that a portion of the population don't have an inner dialogue. The constant stream of verbiage that the voice inside my head uses to articulate my experiences seems such a fundamental part of consciousness that I struggle to picture life without it. I wonder how much, if at all, that phenomenon contributes to the personality of people who think out loud.
PowerBar 5y ago
> Or consider an introvert who has been isolated from her closest friends for a month due to an illness. That person may test as an extrovert at the end of the month. As an introvert who lives alone and took an extended break from work around the time the COVID lock-down started, I can tell you for certain that I would not have tested as an extrovert at any point.