4 ms·

> What can we learn? Undoubtedly, we need better marriages. Having recently gone through a divorce I didn't want, and subsequently spending a lot of time in th

> What can we learn? Undoubtedly, we need better marriages. Having recently gone through a divorce I didn't want, and subsequently spending a lot of time in therapy learning many skills I didn't know I even needed, I find myself surprised nearly every day by how incredibly unprepared I was for that relationship. I've learned more in the last six months about attachment, communication, and emotional management than I learned in my entire life before that. Furthermore, none of the people in my social circle seem to have received any of this kind of instruction before, either. Nearly all are middle-upper to upper class with stable backgrounds. So, I don't know who's getting any of this kind of info from their parents or peers or any non-professional setting. Learning all of this earlier in life might not have changed my particular outcome, but it sure would have made the intervening time better. [Edited for spelling]

justwalt 5y ago
What skills are those, and do you know where I could read about them?
- sparker72678 5y ago
  I'd say start by researching attachment theory^1 and attachment styles. Here's the gist: Children need to form secure attachment bonds to their parents/caregivers at an early age. To the extent they don't get that, they form habits, assumptions, and adaptations to compensate. Those habits/assumptions/adaptations tend to persist (because we don't even realize we're doing them) and cause problems in close relationships in the future. By learning more about yourself you can start to see those patterns in your own behavior and learn to change them. Beyond that I've found many of the emotional regulation exercises that are a part of CBT to be very helpful. I've also found Enneagram to be very helpful in studying myself. It's not a particularly scientific framework, but it can be a helpful lens for identifying patterns of behavior, and realizing that other people are very different, with different assumptions, thoughts, and feelings, all of which are perfectly valid. 1: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory
- benp84 5y ago
  Books by John Gottman. He seems to be the leading authority on the topic.
deleted 5y ago
[deleted]

justwalt 5y ago

What skills are those, and do you know where I could read about them?

sparker72678 5y ago
I'd say start by researching attachment theory^1 and attachment styles. Here's the gist: Children need to form secure attachment bonds to their parents/caregivers at an early age. To the extent they don't get that, they form habits, assumptions, and adaptations to compensate. Those habits/assumptions/adaptations tend to persist (because we don't even realize we're doing them) and cause problems in close relationships in the future. By learning more about yourself you can start to see those patterns in your own behavior and learn to change them. Beyond that I've found many of the emotional regulation exercises that are a part of CBT to be very helpful. I've also found Enneagram to be very helpful in studying myself. It's not a particularly scientific framework, but it can be a helpful lens for identifying patterns of behavior, and realizing that other people are very different, with different assumptions, thoughts, and feelings, all of which are perfectly valid. 1: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory
benp84 5y ago
Books by John Gottman. He seems to be the leading authority on the topic.

deleted 5y ago

[deleted]