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How to Talk to Little Girls

21 points by mshafrir 15y ago

Alex3917 15y ago
If you're dating someone then I think it's ok to tell them or otherwise let them know that you think they're smart or attractive every six months or so. Less often than that and they get insecure, more often than that and either it becomes part of their identity (bad) or else it influences the power balance and relationship dynamic in other negative ways.
- pavel_lishin 15y ago
  So... you only compliment your significant other's looks twice a year?
  - mattdeboard 15y ago
    Well you wouldn't want to throw off the delicate power dynamic in the relationship by having her feel attractive to you.
    - Alex3917 15y ago
      You obviously want your partner to know that they're attractive to you, but there are healthy and unhealthy ways of letting them know that. Doing things that let your significant other know that you find them attractive is good, but I don't think that explicitly telling your them that they are hot on a daily basis is necessarily conducive to a healthy longterm relationship. (It could be I suppose, but it depends how it's done.)
      - mattdeboard 15y ago
        You must be a real hit with the ladies.
      - pavel_lishin 15y ago
        Honest question - have you been in a serious, long-term relationship?
        Alex3917 15y ago
        Two plus years? I find it amusing that what I'm saying is so controversial. All I'm saying is basically the same thing that Carol Dweck keeps saying about kids: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ Is there really any reason to believe that the same thing wouldn't apply (at some level) to adults?
bluekeybox 15y ago
On the other side of the spectrum -- as an attractive young man who first bought into this philosophy that "looks don't matter" -- I realized only in the relatively old age of 26 that I could control other people's first reaction upon meeting me by controlling my appearance. Then it came to me that control of one's appearance is a far more sophisticated and deep skill than most people realize -- almost akin to programming. Caring about looks is just as much advertising your complexion as it is advertising the fact that you possess enough intelligence to have mastered the relatively complex skill of controlling one's appearance. There is much more to knowing how to present oneself than the shallow mindset most people ascribe to those who are good at it. For as long as humans existed, people have been equally idolizing and denigrating that which they don't possess. I do not mean to encourage talking to young girls in terms of their appearance -- as a matter of fact I support gender-ambivalent parenting. It's just that the author's attitude strikes me as hateful.
cafard 15y ago
"and twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize." I'd rather win the Boston Marathon than the ACM Turing Award. I'm no danger of winning either, so the priority could switch next week. Or maybe they look at the 2009 winner and figure they'd rather aim for something that requires work. "Even bright, successful college women say they'd rather be hot than smart." OK, but I've heard this before this author was born.(I suspect.) I don't tell little girls they're pretty, and I don't tell children they're smart. I talk to them, when I do, without condescension, and we seem to get along fine.
jasontraff 15y ago
Interesting article; so unfortunate that it looks so bad in my browser history

21 points by mshafrir 15y ago

If you're dating someone then I think it's ok to tell them or otherwise let them know that you think they're smart or attractive every six months or so. Less often than that and they get insecure, more often than that and either it becomes part of their identity (bad) or else it influences the power balance and relationship dynamic in other negative ways.

pavel_lishin 15y ago
So... you only compliment your significant other's looks twice a year?
- mattdeboard 15y ago
  Well you wouldn't want to throw off the delicate power dynamic in the relationship by having her feel attractive to you.
  - Alex3917 15y ago
    You obviously want your partner to know that they're attractive to you, but there are healthy and unhealthy ways of letting them know that. Doing things that let your significant other know that you find them attractive is good, but I don't think that explicitly telling your them that they are hot on a daily basis is necessarily conducive to a healthy longterm relationship. (It could be I suppose, but it depends how it's done.)
    - mattdeboard 15y ago
      You must be a real hit with the ladies.
    - pavel_lishin 15y ago
      Honest question - have you been in a serious, long-term relationship?
      - Alex3917 15y ago
        Two plus years? I find it amusing that what I'm saying is so controversial. All I'm saying is basically the same thing that Carol Dweck keeps saying about kids: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ Is there really any reason to believe that the same thing wouldn't apply (at some level) to adults?

bluekeybox 15y ago

On the other side of the spectrum -- as an attractive young man who first bought into this philosophy that "looks don't matter" -- I realized only in the relatively old age of 26 that I could control other people's first reaction upon meeting me by controlling my appearance. Then it came to me that control of one's appearance is a far more sophisticated and deep skill than most people realize -- almost akin to programming. Caring about looks is just as much advertising your complexion as it is advertising the fact that you possess enough intelligence to have mastered the relatively complex skill of controlling one's appearance. There is much more to knowing how to present oneself than the shallow mindset most people ascribe to those who are good at it. For as long as humans existed, people have been equally idolizing and denigrating that which they don't possess. I do not mean to encourage talking to young girls in terms of their appearance -- as a matter of fact I support gender-ambivalent parenting. It's just that the author's attitude strikes me as hateful.

cafard 15y ago

"and twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize." I'd rather win the Boston Marathon than the ACM Turing Award. I'm no danger of winning either, so the priority could switch next week. Or maybe they look at the 2009 winner and figure they'd rather aim for something that requires work. "Even bright, successful college women say they'd rather be hot than smart." OK, but I've heard this before this author was born.(I suspect.) I don't tell little girls they're pretty, and I don't tell children they're smart. I talk to them, when I do, without condescension, and we seem to get along fine.

jasontraff 15y ago

Interesting article; so unfortunate that it looks so bad in my browser history