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> The act of trying to force someone to do something, whether by (implied) threat, logic, emotional manipulation, or whatever, can mortally wound a relationship
by donw 5y ago
> The act of trying to force someone to do something, whether by (implied) threat, logic, emotional manipulation, or whatever, can mortally wound a relationship making getting a concession you want moot.
Precisely.
If you want to keep somebody on your team, you don't play this kind of game. These sort of zero-sum take-all-the-marbles negotiations are reserved for when you don't care at all about any future relationship (which should be very close to "never").
- whatshisface 5y agoIt's a dangerous subject, but it only takes a slight change in wording to turn a take-all-the-marbles conflict into a positive example of you offering them an opportunity. See, "Give me remote or I walk." Versus, "I found this great role at this other company, and the work they do satisfies me on a deep personal level. However, it's not remote, and if you let me stay remote, my present position would be way better. What do you feel would be right?"
- bigyikes 5y agoExactly. Being assertive and firmly negotiating doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk. Just the opposite, actually: if you’re being a jerk, you’re probably not not negotiating well.
- donw 5y agoBingo. The above example is great as well -- "I'd like to stay here, but being remote matters more to me. How can we solve this amicably?"
- ykevinator3 5y agoOnly if you're truly willing to lose your job, in which case you hold all the cards, and if not you gotta go back to the office.
- hammock 5y agoOne is an ultimatum/threat, and the other is simply expressing facts/position as part of a negotiation (it also reserves your right to act however you choose, and does not immediately put the relationship in jeopardy). The former is not advisable, ever. I recommend everyone read Getting to Yes.
- tzsdata 5y agoI second the Getting to Yes recommendation. It's the best book I've found on negotiating that is actually applicable in the real world.
- deleted 5y ago[deleted]
- StavrosK 5y agoExcept the second one is only useful if you actually do have another offer, so the two are not equivalent. What you should actually do is politely request that you be allowed to work remotely, as you "realized that you are not looking forward to spending a significant chunk of your day commuting, and have realized that remote work is much better for your mental health". This is still a polite request, but fairly clear that you'll probably start looking for another job if they deny.
- rorykoehler 5y agoI think the point is if you respect each other you will find a solution without stooping to brinkmanship.