4 ms·

> dead bedroom situations are always the result of one party being incapable of understanding the other's desire for sex. Couldn't disagree more. Sexual attrac

> dead bedroom situations are always the result of one party being incapable of understanding the other's desire for sex. Couldn't disagree more. Sexual attraction is not about 'understanding' how your partner feels. A man who is no longer attracted to his wife won't suddenly become attracted when he understands how she feels. Attraction is not a choice. It's not something you can talk yourself or someone else into.

colanderman 5y ago
I don't think I implied that it was. But someone in an exclusive relationship who no longer is willing to fulfill one of their partner's basic needs, has an obligation to work with their partner to find a way to fulfill that need. Otherwise you are just denying them something they are incapable of not needing.
- brailsafe 5y ago
  Maybe, but you'd need to be able to identify first that you were filling a need and that you're no longer. To have a conversation about that, the person in question needs to know that their partner is filling their need rather than some degree of it being optional.
ethbr0 5y ago
> Sexual attraction is not about 'understanding' how your partner feels Not quite what the parent was talking about. They were referring to truly understanding that some people need sex to be happy, as opposed to others who like or even dislike it. But understanding what your partner wants (whichever of those three it is) is a required starting point for having a better sexual relationship. There's no amount of counseling that can bridge "Well, they should just feel exactly like I do about it."
johnnyanmac 5y ago
>A man who is no longer attracted to his wife won't suddenly become attracted when he understands how she feels. Attraction is not a choice. It's not something you can talk yourself or someone else into. You have a point. And the scary factor (at least, in my society) is that admitting this would be rife to criticism (be it insensitive and maybe misogynistic if a man, or shallow and a slut if a woman), because so much of our teachings say that we shouldn't judge others based on looks. It's not exactly about looks in this situation, but it's a very similar situation. You may find that you need something else out of a relationship, but the not only lack of communication, but *active discouragement" to communicate such inconvenient truths probably causes much more tension than the short term tension of a breakup/divorce (not to say breakups aren't painful in and of themselves, but it's the difference between keeping a thorn in, and removing it. The latter gives you a chance to heal).
serverholic 5y ago
Totally agree. OP should tell that to my friend who worked as hard as he could to save a dying marriage. No amount of understanding will help if the other person just doesn't feel it.
mettamage 5y ago
> Attraction is not a choice. I sense a seduction community vibe in that quote.
- coldtea 5y ago
  Seduction would make it, if not a choice, something you can tap with the right skill. The parent says the opposite: it's NOT a choice, you either feel it or not. So seduction techniques would not apply.
  - mettamage 5y ago
    See David Deangelo’s seminars. Attraction is not a choice was his mantra. I don’t know if he coined it but he sure made us understand the implications of it. Since he said it so often, it follows then that when I see it verbatim, I might post something along the lines of sensing seduction community vibes.
oarabbus_ 5y ago
>It's not something you can talk yourself or someone else into. This seems based in some fantasy land, though. I'd be absolutely stunned if you didn't have at least a few unattractive friends who do very well in dating/relationships/finding sex partners, because they are funny, or charismatic, etc (speaking about male friends here generally but this can apply to anyone). If attraction was as you described, no one would be attracted to anyone outside of pro athletes and supermodels. Clearly, many normal, non-models are quite attracted to their non-model partners.
nathanielks 5y ago
This isn't my experience. I lost attraction to someone I was in a relationship with and regained it after doing some work on myself. Attraction is definitely something you can foster within yourself for another person.
lurquer 5y ago
> Attraction is not a choice. Yes it is. An orgasm is a powerful reward. You’ll become more and more attracted to the person with whom you associate orgasms. Sex has a reproductive purpose. It also has a ‘unicative’ purpose. If you avoid masturbation and have sex exclusively with your mate, your mate will become more and more attractive to you. Obviously... Keep your mind focused on your mate when you orgasm. Porn, masturbation, and promiscuity utterly destroy this natural unicative feature of sex.
brailsafe 5y ago
I agree that attraction is not a choice, but being attractive to anyone can have facets of choice. If the husband in this case isn't attracted to his wife anymore because she's gained a lot of weight, the choice by either party to remedy that could influence increased attraction, for example.

colanderman 5y ago

I don't think I implied that it was. But someone in an exclusive relationship who no longer is willing to fulfill one of their partner's basic needs, has an obligation to work with their partner to find a way to fulfill that need. Otherwise you are just denying them something they are incapable of not needing.

brailsafe 5y ago
Maybe, but you'd need to be able to identify first that you were filling a need and that you're no longer. To have a conversation about that, the person in question needs to know that their partner is filling their need rather than some degree of it being optional.

ethbr0 5y ago

> Sexual attraction is not about 'understanding' how your partner feels Not quite what the parent was talking about. They were referring to truly understanding that some people need sex to be happy, as opposed to others who like or even dislike it. But understanding what your partner wants (whichever of those three it is) is a required starting point for having a better sexual relationship. There's no amount of counseling that can bridge "Well, they should just feel exactly like I do about it."

johnnyanmac 5y ago

>A man who is no longer attracted to his wife won't suddenly become attracted when he understands how she feels. Attraction is not a choice. It's not something you can talk yourself or someone else into. You have a point. And the scary factor (at least, in my society) is that admitting this would be rife to criticism (be it insensitive and maybe misogynistic if a man, or shallow and a slut if a woman), because so much of our teachings say that we shouldn't judge others based on looks. It's not exactly about looks in this situation, but it's a very similar situation. You may find that you need something else out of a relationship, but the not only lack of communication, but *active discouragement" to communicate such inconvenient truths probably causes much more tension than the short term tension of a breakup/divorce (not to say breakups aren't painful in and of themselves, but it's the difference between keeping a thorn in, and removing it. The latter gives you a chance to heal).

serverholic 5y ago

Totally agree. OP should tell that to my friend who worked as hard as he could to save a dying marriage. No amount of understanding will help if the other person just doesn't feel it.

mettamage 5y ago

> Attraction is not a choice. I sense a seduction community vibe in that quote.

coldtea 5y ago
Seduction would make it, if not a choice, something you can tap with the right skill. The parent says the opposite: it's NOT a choice, you either feel it or not. So seduction techniques would not apply.
- mettamage 5y ago
  See David Deangelo’s seminars. Attraction is not a choice was his mantra. I don’t know if he coined it but he sure made us understand the implications of it. Since he said it so often, it follows then that when I see it verbatim, I might post something along the lines of sensing seduction community vibes.

oarabbus_ 5y ago

>It's not something you can talk yourself or someone else into. This seems based in some fantasy land, though. I'd be absolutely stunned if you didn't have at least a few unattractive friends who do very well in dating/relationships/finding sex partners, because they are funny, or charismatic, etc (speaking about male friends here generally but this can apply to anyone). If attraction was as you described, no one would be attracted to anyone outside of pro athletes and supermodels. Clearly, many normal, non-models are quite attracted to their non-model partners.

nathanielks 5y ago

This isn't my experience. I lost attraction to someone I was in a relationship with and regained it after doing some work on myself. Attraction is definitely something you can foster within yourself for another person.

lurquer 5y ago

> Attraction is not a choice. Yes it is. An orgasm is a powerful reward. You’ll become more and more attracted to the person with whom you associate orgasms. Sex has a reproductive purpose. It also has a ‘unicative’ purpose. If you avoid masturbation and have sex exclusively with your mate, your mate will become more and more attractive to you. Obviously... Keep your mind focused on your mate when you orgasm. Porn, masturbation, and promiscuity utterly destroy this natural unicative feature of sex.

brailsafe 5y ago

I agree that attraction is not a choice, but being attractive to anyone can have facets of choice. If the husband in this case isn't attracted to his wife anymore because she's gained a lot of weight, the choice by either party to remedy that could influence increased attraction, for example.