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Right, but this is the statement that someone pointed out as a red flag, that you disagreed with > I got absurdly lucky when I found my wife, but I spent every

Right, but this is the statement that someone pointed out as a red flag, that you disagreed with > I got absurdly lucky when I found my wife, but I spent every day without her more or less miserable. It’s arguable she’s the only reason I’m able to be happy. Which is basically the exact definition of codependence.

thepasswordis 5y ago
>Which is basically the exact definition of codependence. Well okay I suppose that the people I'm talking about, in their 50+ year relationships would describe their love for their partner as a type of addiction, but what you might be missing there is: that is a joke, and they are being cute. If we're redefining romantic devotion as an "addiction" then I think we have officially lost the plot.
- jamespo 5y ago
  Hmm it seems like you're reframing things to shore up your argument
- void_mint 5y ago
  You're kind of just arguing past the people in this thread ("these relationships in my life are healthy and not codependent, so codependence is not a problem in relationships"). I would also argue that your takes offer the same "armchair psychoanalysis" you're arguing against, fwiw. > If we're redefining romantic devotion as an "addiction" then I think we have officially lost the plot. No one is redefining anything. This term is poorly defined. Codependence is not "romantic devotion". "Romantic devotion" should not be codependence.
  - thepasswordis 5y ago
    When you use the word "codependent", what do you mean?
    - wizzwizz4 5y ago
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency#Individual_dynamics https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency#Individual_dynami... > A codependent is someone who cannot function on their own and whose thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person, process, or substance.
    - lovegoblin 5y ago
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency#Romantic_relationship_dynamics https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency#Romantic_relation... > Commonly observable characteristics of codependency are: > intense and unstable interpersonal relationships > *inability to tolerate being alone, accompanied by frantic efforts to avoid being alone* > ...
mlyle 5y ago
Look-- my life would be crap without my wife. She's awesome and I am much happier in partnered life. I'd survive and have some enjoyment alone, but most of us end up partnered up because it's a serious buff to life fulfillment. That doesn't make us codependent, to know that I'd spend lots of time miserable if unpartnered and without my wife in particular.
- gsk22 5y ago
  There's a big difference between "I am happier with a partner" and "I am miserable without a partner".
  - void_mint 5y ago
    I don't think it's generally worthwhile to argue with people whose arguments center around "I love my wife and you cannot tell me that's not okay." Lots of these responses read as though people are feeling attacked, which isn't a great baseline to start any reasonable conversation.
    - mlyle 5y ago
      In fairness, the tone of the earlier comments has been edited-- the original tone of "you're all codependent" and the statement that we're all just jealous that we can't play video games whenever we want maybe reasonably made people feel attacked.
      - void_mint 5y ago
        I'm not suggesting that the person feeling attacked isn't right to feel that way (I didn't see the comment you're referring to, but this topic seems to be kind of heated in nature regardless). Mostly just, attempting to reason with someone that's feeling attacked (much less, someone that's feeling attacked about something as emotional as loving their wife) is an unwinnable task. I wish this conversation started better, because I actually think it's very important (and I generally think/agree that lots of relationships are unhealthy and it contributes to a lot of more negative societal issues), but I think discussing those topics with those that think you're trying to invalidate their relationship serves no one.

thepasswordis 5y ago

>Which is basically the exact definition of codependence. Well okay I suppose that the people I'm talking about, in their 50+ year relationships would describe their love for their partner as a type of addiction, but what you might be missing there is: that is a joke, and they are being cute. If we're redefining romantic devotion as an "addiction" then I think we have officially lost the plot.

jamespo 5y ago
Hmm it seems like you're reframing things to shore up your argument
void_mint 5y ago
You're kind of just arguing past the people in this thread ("these relationships in my life are healthy and not codependent, so codependence is not a problem in relationships"). I would also argue that your takes offer the same "armchair psychoanalysis" you're arguing against, fwiw. > If we're redefining romantic devotion as an "addiction" then I think we have officially lost the plot. No one is redefining anything. This term is poorly defined. Codependence is not "romantic devotion". "Romantic devotion" should not be codependence.
- thepasswordis 5y ago
  When you use the word "codependent", what do you mean?
  - wizzwizz4 5y ago
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency#Individual_dynamics https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency#Individual_dynami... > A codependent is someone who cannot function on their own and whose thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person, process, or substance.
  - lovegoblin 5y ago
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency#Romantic_relationship_dynamics https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency#Romantic_relation... > Commonly observable characteristics of codependency are: > intense and unstable interpersonal relationships > *inability to tolerate being alone, accompanied by frantic efforts to avoid being alone* > ...

mlyle 5y ago

Look-- my life would be crap without my wife. She's awesome and I am much happier in partnered life. I'd survive and have some enjoyment alone, but most of us end up partnered up because it's a serious buff to life fulfillment. That doesn't make us codependent, to know that I'd spend lots of time miserable if unpartnered and without my wife in particular.

gsk22 5y ago
There's a big difference between "I am happier with a partner" and "I am miserable without a partner".
- void_mint 5y ago
  I don't think it's generally worthwhile to argue with people whose arguments center around "I love my wife and you cannot tell me that's not okay." Lots of these responses read as though people are feeling attacked, which isn't a great baseline to start any reasonable conversation.
  - mlyle 5y ago
    In fairness, the tone of the earlier comments has been edited-- the original tone of "you're all codependent" and the statement that we're all just jealous that we can't play video games whenever we want maybe reasonably made people feel attacked.
    - void_mint 5y ago
      I'm not suggesting that the person feeling attacked isn't right to feel that way (I didn't see the comment you're referring to, but this topic seems to be kind of heated in nature regardless). Mostly just, attempting to reason with someone that's feeling attacked (much less, someone that's feeling attacked about something as emotional as loving their wife) is an unwinnable task. I wish this conversation started better, because I actually think it's very important (and I generally think/agree that lots of relationships are unhealthy and it contributes to a lot of more negative societal issues), but I think discussing those topics with those that think you're trying to invalidate their relationship serves no one.