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>I can choose to pity or hate him, but having chosen I can’t pretend the choice didn’t exist; it’s something I had to do. I've had to face similar situations i

by kace91 5y ago

>I can choose to pity or hate him, but having chosen I can’t pretend the choice didn’t exist; it’s something I had to do. I've had to face similar situations in my family life, and this part really resonated with me. It's an extremely eloquent way of capturing something I've never been able to put into words. Thank you for that.

chdaniel 5y ago
I didn't really understand that part. Mind re-wording it in an easier manner for me?
- CaveTech 5y ago
  He has abrasive behaviour due to his circumstances. The author has the choice of overlooking the negatives and empathizing with him (pity), or rejecting his behaviour regardless of why (hate). Both reactions can be rationalized and he has the ability to choose which way he leans.
- kace91 5y ago
  When you have to make hard choices in life (staying with a partner, maintaining a relationship with a toxic family member, supporting a friend that's behaving in a way you don't approve), it's easy to be on the fence since you will have arguments for and against the decision. However, once we choose, we tend to incorporate that choice into our narrative as the solution that makes sense, and reinforce it to the point that we end up forgetting there was once an alternative. "I left my wife, it was miserable, I'm so glad I left", etc. It is good to not forget that there was once a choice to make, the choice wasn't easy, and there were arguments in the other side that could have won.
commandlinefan 5y ago
I'm really worried for my teenage son. Dating was brutal when I was doing it 20 years ago, and as far as I can tell, it's gotten so, so much worse since. Modern dating can't literally be "winner take all", but it sure looks like it's getting close.
- standardUser 5y ago
  I strongly disagree, but my evidence is all anecdotal. I'm not saying that literally every guy can find a partner, but I have seen all manner of men end up with perfectly lovely partners (and/or occasional sex partners). And when I say "all manner" I mean dumb guys, ugly guys, short guys, guys with terrible hygiene. The spectrum of men I have personally witnessed have success with women is vast and diverse and even kind of disgusting.
  - skindoe 5y ago
    And how many men who are unbeknownst to you alone and completely struggling in the dating market have you seen but are conviently ignored for a couple flashy examples that stuck out in your mind?
  - colmvp 5y ago
    As a short guy, I chuckled at being grouped with dumb guys, and guys with terrible hygiene lol You're not wrong though, both men and women love to make fun of a short guys.
    - amznthrowaway5 5y ago
      What if someone did the same thing to black women? It seems only some "standards" are acceptable.
    - KozmoNau7 5y ago
      My take on it has always been that you wouldn't want to date someone who picks on physical features like that anyway, it's a giant red flag for an overall shitty personality.
      - amznthrowaway5 5y ago
        Nearly everyone has physical dealbreakers, and height is a very socially acceptable one that the vast majority of women have. Most women also filter on somewhat less politically correct factors like race. The total hypocrisy when it comes to this topic is considered acceptable since women control the market.

by kace91 5y ago

chdaniel 5y ago

I didn't really understand that part. Mind re-wording it in an easier manner for me?

CaveTech 5y ago
He has abrasive behaviour due to his circumstances. The author has the choice of overlooking the negatives and empathizing with him (pity), or rejecting his behaviour regardless of why (hate). Both reactions can be rationalized and he has the ability to choose which way he leans.
kace91 5y ago
When you have to make hard choices in life (staying with a partner, maintaining a relationship with a toxic family member, supporting a friend that's behaving in a way you don't approve), it's easy to be on the fence since you will have arguments for and against the decision. However, once we choose, we tend to incorporate that choice into our narrative as the solution that makes sense, and reinforce it to the point that we end up forgetting there was once an alternative. "I left my wife, it was miserable, I'm so glad I left", etc. It is good to not forget that there was once a choice to make, the choice wasn't easy, and there were arguments in the other side that could have won.

commandlinefan 5y ago

I'm really worried for my teenage son. Dating was brutal when I was doing it 20 years ago, and as far as I can tell, it's gotten so, so much worse since. Modern dating can't literally be "winner take all", but it sure looks like it's getting close.

standardUser 5y ago
I strongly disagree, but my evidence is all anecdotal. I'm not saying that literally every guy can find a partner, but I have seen all manner of men end up with perfectly lovely partners (and/or occasional sex partners). And when I say "all manner" I mean dumb guys, ugly guys, short guys, guys with terrible hygiene. The spectrum of men I have personally witnessed have success with women is vast and diverse and even kind of disgusting.
- skindoe 5y ago
  And how many men who are unbeknownst to you alone and completely struggling in the dating market have you seen but are conviently ignored for a couple flashy examples that stuck out in your mind?
- colmvp 5y ago
  As a short guy, I chuckled at being grouped with dumb guys, and guys with terrible hygiene lol You're not wrong though, both men and women love to make fun of a short guys.
  - amznthrowaway5 5y ago
    What if someone did the same thing to black women? It seems only some "standards" are acceptable.
  - KozmoNau7 5y ago
    My take on it has always been that you wouldn't want to date someone who picks on physical features like that anyway, it's a giant red flag for an overall shitty personality.
    - amznthrowaway5 5y ago
      Nearly everyone has physical dealbreakers, and height is a very socially acceptable one that the vast majority of women have. Most women also filter on somewhat less politically correct factors like race. The total hypocrisy when it comes to this topic is considered acceptable since women control the market.