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I'm fairly young and it's something that scares me deeply about marriage. How do you spend 30 years with someone, someone you once loved deeply, and come to a p
by ad404b8a372f2b9 6y ago
I'm fairly young and it's something that scares me deeply about marriage. How do you spend 30 years with someone, someone you once loved deeply, and come to a point where you no longer want to share your life with them.
My closest friend I've known for 10 years and we know each others intimately, it's a deep connection that can only be built with time and effort. It's without comparison to other friends that I've only known for a few years. So you spend 30 years building something so strong with a single person, there's never going to be someone else like this, you can't spend another 30 years building something with someone else, that's it. I don't know how you can deal with losing something like this.
- devtosales 6y agoDivorce can be as traumatic as a death - for me it was liberating though.
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- me_me_me 6y agoOnce you start a fire it is not a job done. You got to work on keeping it up. There are two reasons for divorce I have seen, one people marry too quickly and are simply incompatible (a lot of divorces during lockdown happened because people were forced together and they cannot stand each others company for long). Other is thinking that once the ring is on her that the game is won no more effort.
- eska 5y agoThat's overly simplistic to the extent that it is dangerous. It takes two to tango. You can do everything right and your partner may still cheat on you, manipulate the children to dislike you, etc. It is unfair to say "you married too quickly" (apart from shotgun marriage, at some point you must make a leap of faith after all) or your second point that this person must not have tried hard enough. There are many reasons a marriage can fail, an many of them are out of one's control.
- me_me_me 5y ago> It takes two to tango, You can do everything right and your partner may still cheat on you, manipulate the children to dislike you, etc Absolutely, some people will roll triple 1 and land their feelings on absolute garbage of a human and will get hurt. I think the point I was trying to make was that one of components of long term marriage is that you need to keep it up (both sides need to keep it up).
- eska 5y agoI agree. My problem with your previous post was just that it sounds like "either you're doing this wrong or you're doing that wrong" without acknowledging that it's possible to not have done anything wrong, or at least anything warranting a divorce.
- berndi 6y agoExactly. How are romantic relationships not a zero-sum game?
- dmos62 5y agoIt's a cliche, but what passes for love is often attachment. I actually can't quite differentiate between the two (though I'm not saying they're the same thing). Shedding attachment can be extremely painful, when it's involuntary. Ironically, it's over-attachment that precipitates divorce.