5 ms·

Honest question: Why marry in the first place? Why practice a personal relationship in a way others have designed? Isn't it somewhat contrary to the theme of

by TekMol 6y ago

Honest question: Why marry in the first place? Why practice a personal relationship in a way others have designed? Isn't it somewhat contrary to the theme of Hacker News? To me, the term "hacking" describes the habit of doing things in a more interesting/efficient/fun way than how they are usually done.

adrianN 6y ago
Being married has a bunch of tax benefits where I live.
- magicalhippo 6y ago
  Here it can also help the partner in case of inheritance. For example, if you haven't lived together for over 3 years and aren't married, then unless there's a will the partner won't inherit anything. If you have a kid, the kid will get most of the inheritance but can't manage the money until they're 18. Been a few cases in the media here where the kid inherits lots of money on a locked account while the partner that's left struggles to make ends meet.
lewisflude 6y ago
It's an interesting question! I think a lot of the time when both partners feel getting married adds no value, they don't marry! I know plenty of older couples who never got married and don't regret it. Some good reasons I've heard. 1. Legally it's a lot simpler if you're married, if one partner dies for the other partner to get control over assets/legacy. 2. For many couples it's a ceremonious way of making a commitment that is recognised and understood between cultures. 3. In some cases, it allows for certain benefits/perks to be shared (tax, healthcare). 4. It's fun to have a party and get family together. I personally don't see Hacker News as one homogenous culture with a distinct opinion on what "hacking" is. Being curious, rational and experimental, I still think getting married can fit into that. If you were truly trying to optimise every aspect of life to be some sort of objective best option, I think getting married may or may not be the right option. I do think generally we give too much power to "the culture" over how we live our lives though and so I do think being sceptical of the rituals/ceremonies we're born into is a positive thing.
toxik 6y ago
I considered marriage and we even filed half the paperwork, but I decided against it because it would end up in the public records that I am married, and to whom exactly. So, I didn't marry out of infosec concerns.
- djdjdjdjdj 6y ago
  You are not kidding? While I personally would find this very weird, from an infosec perspective, having a relatable backstory should make it easier for you in regards of infosec. With married status you can conceal things probably better than not.
  - toxik 6y ago
    If your threat model includes you disguising as someone else, sure. If your threat model includes crazy people stalking you, my decision is justified.
    - djdjdjdjdj 6y ago
      That is really unfortunate. At least in germany you can go to the Einwohnermeldeamt (citizen Report office) and can request a blockage into your data. This should be enough for a stalker. Are you allowed to decide what happens to your partner in case of an emergency? Or to decide for her if she is unable to decide anymore? Also would you save taxes? Here our income is combined and divided 50/50. When I earn 100k and she 20k, we both pay taxes for 60k which comes to something like 100-200$ per month or 2-4% in savings. If it is similar your stalker already hurts you on a daily basis.
      - toxik 6y ago
        Tax difference is non-existent, and you can't block it from the public registry.
      - eru 6y ago
        The tax system in the US is so weird, that under certain circumstances, people get 'punished' for marrying. Look up 'marriage tax penalty', if you want to know more.
djdjdjdjdj 6y ago
You have to if you want to be close to your partner if something happens and they are in the hospital. For me it was a great way to reproduce an image I liked very much, an old image of my baptism/christianing (I'm no longer part of that Organisation) where all my family was together. We invited them all and we're planning things to make sure it is a great experience for our guests and based on the feedback it worked out. It should be possible to do this without a crazy event but it is easier with something people know. Also I was sick to my stomach for a while week and very nervous on the wedding day. I do assume that this experience is unique in itself but I'm not sure how significant this is in a relationship.
trapexit 6y ago
This is kind of a lazyweb question because the "why marriage?" question has been discussed many times before on HN. https://www.google.com/search?q=marriage+site%3Anews.ycombinator.com https://www.google.com/search?q=marriage+site%3Anews.ycombin... Beyond the social convention that "it's the thing to do" at a certain point in a relationship, some reasons are: - Marriage provides financial assurance for a spouse who will defer their career to raise children. - Some friends and family (particularly those of the spouse) will absolutely treat you differently when you're married to someone versus in a long-term unmarried relationship. - Depending on the jurisdiction, spouses have certain rights that unmarried partners do not, e.g. with regards to the legal system and hospital visitation. I know a couple that got married because one of them was an activist/journalist and frequently attended protests in which he was at risk of arrest. - In some circumstances, it makes it easier to purchase a home together and make other large joint financial investments. - Under some tax regimes, you pay lower taxes when married. - U.S. citizens living abroad in a low-tax country with a foreign spouse can engage in advantageous tax planning.
- alias_neo 6y ago
  So, although the question-asker is being downvoted, your response does actually cover interesting discussion topics, and to summarise, the answer could be that the systems and conventions need to change? - I believe in the UK (where I live) one has all of the legal and financial implications automatically when a relationship reaches a certain age (3 years I believe). Legally you would be treated the same way as if you were married. - Friends and family; My family certainly feel this way, my wife's I'm not sure. I'm "mixed"-culture/race/etc so some of my family have different cultural views. My wife and I don't feel strongly either way about how our children deal with this when they grow up, so perhaps our (millenial) generation is changing the "social" side of it already? - Legally I believe you have all of the rights you describe, however, it may be more difficult to prove the relationship without a piece of paper. We've had to present our marriage certificate for various things relating to our child(ren) for example. - It _should_ have no effect on your ability to purchase a home in the UK - There is a tax benefit for low income couples in the UK, but I believe our law doesn't specify "married". - I don't know how any of this affects UK citizens abroad as I've never looked into it.
dagw 6y ago
Why marry in the first place? From a practical point of view, once kids where involved and we started looking at things like inheritance, it turns out that many things would be much quicker and easier, legally, if we where married if one of us got very sick or died (in our particular jurisdiction).
FpUser 6y ago
>"To me, the term "hacking" describes the habit of doing things in a more interesting/efficient/fun way than how they are usually done." I was with computers and sometime electronics for like 40 years already. That alone supplies me with enough "interesting ways". I do not have to have every other aspect of my life to be "interesting". I do not sleep on a stool either. There are also many convenient practical aspects of registering marriage that are mentioned in other replies.
hackeraccount 6y ago
Why marry in the first place? Currently my wife is humming the first 4 bars of The Star Spangled Banner over and over and over. The best answer I can come up with is that marriage is a constant battle of wills. A never ending struggle for absolute supremacy over the will of another person. To take an independent human and bend them to your desire or at least drive them crazy. What's more thrilling than that? Also how can you be more crushed when that's done to you. In short marriage is 100% pure adrenaline. Now that bloodsports have been abolished it's the purest most glorious release for any sadist out there ... also any masochist because one way or the other you're gonna get a big swig from both cups.
redis_mlc 6y ago
> Honest question: Why marry in the first place? For women, it's a free pension plan and a way to hedge against her rapidly declining looks. If you're a man in 2021, then you should not get married. There is almost nothing but disadvantages for men. (For young men: a marriage contract is not romantic - it's not like the movies. It's a business contract that is enforced by the state in the US. Make sure you understand the impact of signing a contract when the other party benefits from breaking it.)
cyberpunk 6y ago
In germany at least there is quite the tax incentive.. Say you earn 150,000k, and your SO earns 30,000, then you pay tax at 180k/2(90k) levels instead of 150k levels....
Seb-C 6y ago
I have friends who got married with a steampunk-cosplay ceremony/party, so a marriage can definitely be HackerNews-compatible :)

by TekMol 6y ago

adrianN 6y ago

Being married has a bunch of tax benefits where I live.

magicalhippo 6y ago
Here it can also help the partner in case of inheritance. For example, if you haven't lived together for over 3 years and aren't married, then unless there's a will the partner won't inherit anything. If you have a kid, the kid will get most of the inheritance but can't manage the money until they're 18. Been a few cases in the media here where the kid inherits lots of money on a locked account while the partner that's left struggles to make ends meet.

lewisflude 6y ago

It's an interesting question! I think a lot of the time when both partners feel getting married adds no value, they don't marry! I know plenty of older couples who never got married and don't regret it. Some good reasons I've heard. 1. Legally it's a lot simpler if you're married, if one partner dies for the other partner to get control over assets/legacy. 2. For many couples it's a ceremonious way of making a commitment that is recognised and understood between cultures. 3. In some cases, it allows for certain benefits/perks to be shared (tax, healthcare). 4. It's fun to have a party and get family together. I personally don't see Hacker News as one homogenous culture with a distinct opinion on what "hacking" is. Being curious, rational and experimental, I still think getting married can fit into that. If you were truly trying to optimise every aspect of life to be some sort of objective best option, I think getting married may or may not be the right option. I do think generally we give too much power to "the culture" over how we live our lives though and so I do think being sceptical of the rituals/ceremonies we're born into is a positive thing.

toxik 6y ago

I considered marriage and we even filed half the paperwork, but I decided against it because it would end up in the public records that I am married, and to whom exactly. So, I didn't marry out of infosec concerns.

djdjdjdjdj 6y ago
You are not kidding? While I personally would find this very weird, from an infosec perspective, having a relatable backstory should make it easier for you in regards of infosec. With married status you can conceal things probably better than not.
- toxik 6y ago
  If your threat model includes you disguising as someone else, sure. If your threat model includes crazy people stalking you, my decision is justified.
  - djdjdjdjdj 6y ago
    That is really unfortunate. At least in germany you can go to the Einwohnermeldeamt (citizen Report office) and can request a blockage into your data. This should be enough for a stalker. Are you allowed to decide what happens to your partner in case of an emergency? Or to decide for her if she is unable to decide anymore? Also would you save taxes? Here our income is combined and divided 50/50. When I earn 100k and she 20k, we both pay taxes for 60k which comes to something like 100-200$ per month or 2-4% in savings. If it is similar your stalker already hurts you on a daily basis.
    - toxik 6y ago
      Tax difference is non-existent, and you can't block it from the public registry.
    - eru 6y ago
      The tax system in the US is so weird, that under certain circumstances, people get 'punished' for marrying. Look up 'marriage tax penalty', if you want to know more.

djdjdjdjdj 6y ago

You have to if you want to be close to your partner if something happens and they are in the hospital. For me it was a great way to reproduce an image I liked very much, an old image of my baptism/christianing (I'm no longer part of that Organisation) where all my family was together. We invited them all and we're planning things to make sure it is a great experience for our guests and based on the feedback it worked out. It should be possible to do this without a crazy event but it is easier with something people know. Also I was sick to my stomach for a while week and very nervous on the wedding day. I do assume that this experience is unique in itself but I'm not sure how significant this is in a relationship.

trapexit 6y ago

This is kind of a lazyweb question because the "why marriage?" question has been discussed many times before on HN. https://www.google.com/search?q=marriage+site%3Anews.ycombinator.com https://www.google.com/search?q=marriage+site%3Anews.ycombin... Beyond the social convention that "it's the thing to do" at a certain point in a relationship, some reasons are: - Marriage provides financial assurance for a spouse who will defer their career to raise children. - Some friends and family (particularly those of the spouse) will absolutely treat you differently when you're married to someone versus in a long-term unmarried relationship. - Depending on the jurisdiction, spouses have certain rights that unmarried partners do not, e.g. with regards to the legal system and hospital visitation. I know a couple that got married because one of them was an activist/journalist and frequently attended protests in which he was at risk of arrest. - In some circumstances, it makes it easier to purchase a home together and make other large joint financial investments. - Under some tax regimes, you pay lower taxes when married. - U.S. citizens living abroad in a low-tax country with a foreign spouse can engage in advantageous tax planning.

alias_neo 6y ago
So, although the question-asker is being downvoted, your response does actually cover interesting discussion topics, and to summarise, the answer could be that the systems and conventions need to change? - I believe in the UK (where I live) one has all of the legal and financial implications automatically when a relationship reaches a certain age (3 years I believe). Legally you would be treated the same way as if you were married. - Friends and family; My family certainly feel this way, my wife's I'm not sure. I'm "mixed"-culture/race/etc so some of my family have different cultural views. My wife and I don't feel strongly either way about how our children deal with this when they grow up, so perhaps our (millenial) generation is changing the "social" side of it already? - Legally I believe you have all of the rights you describe, however, it may be more difficult to prove the relationship without a piece of paper. We've had to present our marriage certificate for various things relating to our child(ren) for example. - It _should_ have no effect on your ability to purchase a home in the UK - There is a tax benefit for low income couples in the UK, but I believe our law doesn't specify "married". - I don't know how any of this affects UK citizens abroad as I've never looked into it.

dagw 6y ago

Why marry in the first place? From a practical point of view, once kids where involved and we started looking at things like inheritance, it turns out that many things would be much quicker and easier, legally, if we where married if one of us got very sick or died (in our particular jurisdiction).

FpUser 6y ago

>"To me, the term "hacking" describes the habit of doing things in a more interesting/efficient/fun way than how they are usually done." I was with computers and sometime electronics for like 40 years already. That alone supplies me with enough "interesting ways". I do not have to have every other aspect of my life to be "interesting". I do not sleep on a stool either. There are also many convenient practical aspects of registering marriage that are mentioned in other replies.

hackeraccount 6y ago

Why marry in the first place? Currently my wife is humming the first 4 bars of The Star Spangled Banner over and over and over. The best answer I can come up with is that marriage is a constant battle of wills. A never ending struggle for absolute supremacy over the will of another person. To take an independent human and bend them to your desire or at least drive them crazy. What's more thrilling than that? Also how can you be more crushed when that's done to you. In short marriage is 100% pure adrenaline. Now that bloodsports have been abolished it's the purest most glorious release for any sadist out there ... also any masochist because one way or the other you're gonna get a big swig from both cups.

redis_mlc 6y ago

> Honest question: Why marry in the first place? For women, it's a free pension plan and a way to hedge against her rapidly declining looks. If you're a man in 2021, then you should not get married. There is almost nothing but disadvantages for men. (For young men: a marriage contract is not romantic - it's not like the movies. It's a business contract that is enforced by the state in the US. Make sure you understand the impact of signing a contract when the other party benefits from breaking it.)

cyberpunk 6y ago

In germany at least there is quite the tax incentive.. Say you earn 150,000k, and your SO earns 30,000, then you pay tax at 180k/2(90k) levels instead of 150k levels....

Seb-C 6y ago

I have friends who got married with a steampunk-cosplay ceremony/party, so a marriage can definitely be HackerNews-compatible :)