4 ms·

Seems like a lot of comments are discussing how to address loneliness, so I'll share one tactic I've learned: you have to host. Everybody wants to join a meetu

Seems like a lot of comments are discussing how to address loneliness, so I'll share one tactic I've learned: you have to host. Everybody wants to join a meetup or club or whatever, but if you organize the event(s), and then invite people you like (from work or your kids' friends' parents) then you get the event you want and you strengthen those friendships. If you can make it happen consistently, those relationships can get quite strong over a few years, plus your friends will invite their friends and it gets better over time. The only downside is having to do event planning: clean your house (or pick a venue: park, hackerspace, church, cafe, gym, clubhouse if your apartment complex has one), email/text invitations, plan food, etc. This is a skill, though, and you get better with practice. (Edit: obviously rona makes this harder but e.g. my wife and I have a zoom call we do most mornings where we do a workout video and hang out for ~10-15 minutes. It's a lot better than nothing!)

pmoriarty 5y ago
"The only downside is having to do event planning: clean your house (or pick a venue: park, hackerspace, church, cafe, gym, clubhouse if your apartment complex has one), email/text invitations, plan food, etc. This is a skill, though, and you get better with practice." Not only is it a skill, but it's very difficult to make that sort of effort when you are depressed, which many lonely people are.
- msteffen 5y ago
  > Not only is it a skill, but it's very difficult to make that sort of effort when you are depressed, which many lonely people are. It's true. TBH to the extent I've done/helped with it, I've learned more about making it easy than doing it well. The easiest options I know about: - hike (you literally just need to agree on a trail and a time. People can bring their own food, or you can do it in the afternoon so it doesn't overlap with a meal) - hang out in a park/at the beach. Almost as easy as a hike but you do need food. This can just be pizza and drinks. Bring a barbecue and a cooler of (veggie) burgers/hot dogs, drinks, chips and dip if you want to get fancy - game night: almost the same as the park but you'd do it in your house (or apartment clubhouse). Slightly more clean-up, but food can be very easy and low-key (takeout, pizza, salad). This is easy to do regularly, too, and you can change the games depending on who's there, so it's got broad appeal. Board games are an obvious classic, and/or people can bring laptops, or you can set up a projector and an xbox. My roommates did this for years and we probably had over a hundred different guests at one point or another. People started bringing their own TVs and xboxes - dinner party/potluck: like game night, but for a group that likes to cook this can be super fun. You don't actually have to make much because there are N dishes, so you eat a 1/N portion of each. Also, if you do it regularly, sometimes everyone agrees they're too tired to cook and you just all go in on takeout and drinks, which is fun too. - group workouts: just need a gym and a time (or a park, you can do an outdoor workout) - meet at a bar: not even really hosting, but if you suggest it and get everyone to agree on a time, it actually is hosting (Finally: IME people are happy to venmo you for food if you ask in advance. Especially for recurring events this can be good to do, so that hosting stays fun for you)
  - pmoriarty 5y ago
    It depends on the severity of the depression, but people who are depressed can struggle to get out of bed, shower, eat, or brush their teeth. Many things that non-depressed people find easy are excruciatingly difficult for depressed people. Just picking up the phone and calling someone might be a struggle. Then there's the problem that many activities that might have seemed interesting and fun to do while the person was not depressed often seem uninteresting or meaningless when they are depressed. Finally, there's all the self-recrimination and self-loathing that comes from knowing you could "easily" have done all sorts of things to make your life better and reach out to people but just not done them, which spirals people even further in to depression. It's a really tough cycle to break.
    - andyana 5y ago
      Sometimes there is no interest or people just don't show up. I tried to organize a neighborhood virtual game night a half year ago in my neighborhood, and there wasn't any interest. It made me feel more alone, and embarrassed for evening trying.
- serjester 5y ago
  Advice doesn’t need to apply to everyone to be useful. Obviously if you’re struggling with depression you’re not going to start hosting events. You’re completely right. But if you just moved to a new city and want to deepen your friendships this is fantastic advice. A non zero chunk of lonely people aren’t depressed, just lonely.
- anoncake 5y ago
  The worst thing about depression is how difficult it makes it to deal depression.
gcr 5y ago
this mindset is also exactly how good organizing in the workplace happens

pmoriarty 5y ago

"The only downside is having to do event planning: clean your house (or pick a venue: park, hackerspace, church, cafe, gym, clubhouse if your apartment complex has one), email/text invitations, plan food, etc. This is a skill, though, and you get better with practice." Not only is it a skill, but it's very difficult to make that sort of effort when you are depressed, which many lonely people are.

msteffen 5y ago
> Not only is it a skill, but it's very difficult to make that sort of effort when you are depressed, which many lonely people are. It's true. TBH to the extent I've done/helped with it, I've learned more about making it easy than doing it well. The easiest options I know about: - hike (you literally just need to agree on a trail and a time. People can bring their own food, or you can do it in the afternoon so it doesn't overlap with a meal) - hang out in a park/at the beach. Almost as easy as a hike but you do need food. This can just be pizza and drinks. Bring a barbecue and a cooler of (veggie) burgers/hot dogs, drinks, chips and dip if you want to get fancy - game night: almost the same as the park but you'd do it in your house (or apartment clubhouse). Slightly more clean-up, but food can be very easy and low-key (takeout, pizza, salad). This is easy to do regularly, too, and you can change the games depending on who's there, so it's got broad appeal. Board games are an obvious classic, and/or people can bring laptops, or you can set up a projector and an xbox. My roommates did this for years and we probably had over a hundred different guests at one point or another. People started bringing their own TVs and xboxes - dinner party/potluck: like game night, but for a group that likes to cook this can be super fun. You don't actually have to make much because there are N dishes, so you eat a 1/N portion of each. Also, if you do it regularly, sometimes everyone agrees they're too tired to cook and you just all go in on takeout and drinks, which is fun too. - group workouts: just need a gym and a time (or a park, you can do an outdoor workout) - meet at a bar: not even really hosting, but if you suggest it and get everyone to agree on a time, it actually is hosting (Finally: IME people are happy to venmo you for food if you ask in advance. Especially for recurring events this can be good to do, so that hosting stays fun for you)
- pmoriarty 5y ago
  It depends on the severity of the depression, but people who are depressed can struggle to get out of bed, shower, eat, or brush their teeth. Many things that non-depressed people find easy are excruciatingly difficult for depressed people. Just picking up the phone and calling someone might be a struggle. Then there's the problem that many activities that might have seemed interesting and fun to do while the person was not depressed often seem uninteresting or meaningless when they are depressed. Finally, there's all the self-recrimination and self-loathing that comes from knowing you could "easily" have done all sorts of things to make your life better and reach out to people but just not done them, which spirals people even further in to depression. It's a really tough cycle to break.
  - andyana 5y ago
    Sometimes there is no interest or people just don't show up. I tried to organize a neighborhood virtual game night a half year ago in my neighborhood, and there wasn't any interest. It made me feel more alone, and embarrassed for evening trying.
serjester 5y ago
Advice doesn’t need to apply to everyone to be useful. Obviously if you’re struggling with depression you’re not going to start hosting events. You’re completely right. But if you just moved to a new city and want to deepen your friendships this is fantastic advice. A non zero chunk of lonely people aren’t depressed, just lonely.
anoncake 5y ago
The worst thing about depression is how difficult it makes it to deal depression.

gcr 5y ago

this mindset is also exactly how good organizing in the workplace happens