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I really do not mean any offense by this - but how is a nearly one and a half year old requiring full-time attention from two people? I ask this as a single da

I really do not mean any offense by this - but how is a nearly one and a half year old requiring full-time attention from two people? I ask this as a single dad of two kids, one of them since they were < 1.

xyzzyz 5y ago
Some children require more attention than others.
lotsofpulp 5y ago
One parent serves as redundancy for the other. I don’t know how you did it, but when we had just one baby/toddler, and no other kids or relatives to watch them, one adult is constantly watching the kid, and the other is taking care of household tasks. The person watching the kid looks like they have spare time, but it’s garbage time because your attention is diverted to the kid every couple minutes or less.
- bladegash 5y ago
  That’s fair, but perhaps there are also some parents that pay far more attention to their children than they really require or is even healthy for them. I found this especially true with our first born, where once you have a second, you quickly realize you probably gave them just a tad too much attention than was necessary. Children have been raised in situations with single parents, ones where one or both parents work full time, etc. Day cares are somehow able to manage with one teacher to 10+ young children. Have we been failing at child rearing since, well, the beginning of time? I’m also not sure what garbage time with a < 2 year old would really be…they honestly don’t do much nor can they learn to do much at that age. Don’t get me wrong, plenty of meaningful ways to spend time with a child that way, I just don’t really know how you spend 8-12 hours a day giving focused attention to a 1 1/2 year old. But to each their own and not my place to judge anyone else’s parenting style.
  - lotsofpulp 5y ago
    By garbage time, I mean I can't productively use the time I'm spending being responsible for the kid to do any involved task. I'm not saying I interact with the kid the whole time, but I have to keep an eye on the toddler to make sure they're not hurting themselves, or more likely, the toddler is pestering me to play with them. They play with their own toys and pots and pans for a few minutes, but it's not long before they see you on the laptop or whatever and want to get up in your lap. It's easier if there are other toddlers to play with and how a daycare can watch multiple toddlers with one adult.
    - bladegash 5y ago
      I hear you, 100% - it’s not easy no matter how you cut it. Infants and toddlers are a handful and they love playing with their parents! Mine are a bit older now (8 and 5), but I will be a bit sad when they no longer want my attention as much, so I’m trying to enjoy it while it lasts!
    - hutzlibu 5y ago
      "but it's not long before they see you on the laptop or whatever and want to get up in your lap." And do you feel, you always have to obey to your childs wishes? Don't you think it is important to learn for them,to respect other peoples wishes, too? It is an ongoing struggle, of course, but after I started to pay more attention to my needs and be consequent about it, even if he goes hysterical - it became a lot easier for all of us. He can now (2 years) accept a no, if it is a real no.
      - lotsofpulp 5y ago
        I don’t necessarily obey them, but I find it difficult to work when a toddler is going crazy around you.
- loxs 5y ago
  For us it’s me “mostly” working - supporting our existing clients, taking care of investments (sometimes trading a bit), shopping, cooking (taking turns in this one). She is mostly with the kid and when he is sleeping, she does cleaning and other chores. Also sometimes I look after him and she works for clients (when she is more suitable) The company is definitely not progressing. At best we are able to stand still. I don’t think when you are with the kid it’s spare time.
  - bladegash 5y ago
    Ah, that makes much more sense, in that you’re not completely stalled on the startup, just more maintaining. Sorry for the misunderstanding!
- hutzlibu 5y ago
  ", one adult is constantly watching the kid, and the other is taking care of household tasks" I know I can't do any deep work, when it is my turn to watch our toddler - but I am very capable of doing household related tasks, etc. And I also have to say, without trying to impose it, but I know this from other parents and sometimes from myself: you definitely can give too much attention to a child - unless you want them to become egocentric narcists, who think the whole world turns around them. Those childs will have a hard time later on, learning that this is not true. And everyone around them, will suffer with them. But of course, I don't know how you actually do things, but this is the image that came to my mind, a image I have seen quite a lot in my generation.
  - lotsofpulp 5y ago
    I can do some household tasks, but I was referring to work that requires concentration and no interruptions.
afavour 5y ago
"we mostly don't do anything else nowadays" != "requiring full time attention" I still have downtime after having a kid, but I'm much less motivated to spend it on a side project because I'm that much more exhausted.
- iso1210 5y ago
  OP seems to think that looking after a single child is more effort than available from two parents, one of whom has an office job
iso1210 5y ago
god knows how normal people cope!
- loxs 5y ago
  We are wondering the same, especially during the pandemic
  - iso1210 5y ago
    I can see how having two full time jobs is tricky with say a 2-year-old, but one person full time looking after half a dozen kids and a house is not rocket science
loxs 5y ago
I didn’t say it’s impossible. We can optimize our time better, we can hire a nanny, she can stop breastfeeding at several months of age etc. But do we want to? It’s a personal/family decision and it’s definitely based on circumstances and necessities. Historically people have raised children in dire conditions. Still would I rather do a startup or have a regular job while raising babies? I don’t think I would ever go the startup route. Would I do a startup otherwise? Hell yeah. You may think differently, but my bubble definitely leans towards either having babies or startups, not both - I know some failed marriages and/or startups while trying both. Of course, there is also the rare success in both (I know one such).
- bladegash 5y ago
  Oh, by all means if you’re able to choose to do so via the means and desire, I think it’s a great opportunity for not only your child, but also for you and your spouse. I was more surprised at what seemed like was a suggestion that you can’t go back to work or else it would be markedly more difficult for your spouse. I guess it’s to say, lots of people choose not to have additional children because of fears like that and while it is not always easy, people can work and raise children, and better, they still turn out just fine. Kudos to you both for sacrificing your personal goals to spend time raising your child!
  - loxs 5y ago
    Yeah, and also COVID didn’t help either. We would definitely hire hourly babysitters, daycare etc, but with COVID it’s not that straightforward. Probably we will try something like that from now on, after we got our vaccines

xyzzyz 5y ago

Some children require more attention than others.

lotsofpulp 5y ago

One parent serves as redundancy for the other. I don’t know how you did it, but when we had just one baby/toddler, and no other kids or relatives to watch them, one adult is constantly watching the kid, and the other is taking care of household tasks. The person watching the kid looks like they have spare time, but it’s garbage time because your attention is diverted to the kid every couple minutes or less.

bladegash 5y ago
That’s fair, but perhaps there are also some parents that pay far more attention to their children than they really require or is even healthy for them. I found this especially true with our first born, where once you have a second, you quickly realize you probably gave them just a tad too much attention than was necessary. Children have been raised in situations with single parents, ones where one or both parents work full time, etc. Day cares are somehow able to manage with one teacher to 10+ young children. Have we been failing at child rearing since, well, the beginning of time? I’m also not sure what garbage time with a < 2 year old would really be…they honestly don’t do much nor can they learn to do much at that age. Don’t get me wrong, plenty of meaningful ways to spend time with a child that way, I just don’t really know how you spend 8-12 hours a day giving focused attention to a 1 1/2 year old. But to each their own and not my place to judge anyone else’s parenting style.
- lotsofpulp 5y ago
  By garbage time, I mean I can't productively use the time I'm spending being responsible for the kid to do any involved task. I'm not saying I interact with the kid the whole time, but I have to keep an eye on the toddler to make sure they're not hurting themselves, or more likely, the toddler is pestering me to play with them. They play with their own toys and pots and pans for a few minutes, but it's not long before they see you on the laptop or whatever and want to get up in your lap. It's easier if there are other toddlers to play with and how a daycare can watch multiple toddlers with one adult.
  - bladegash 5y ago
    I hear you, 100% - it’s not easy no matter how you cut it. Infants and toddlers are a handful and they love playing with their parents! Mine are a bit older now (8 and 5), but I will be a bit sad when they no longer want my attention as much, so I’m trying to enjoy it while it lasts!
  - hutzlibu 5y ago
    "but it's not long before they see you on the laptop or whatever and want to get up in your lap." And do you feel, you always have to obey to your childs wishes? Don't you think it is important to learn for them,to respect other peoples wishes, too? It is an ongoing struggle, of course, but after I started to pay more attention to my needs and be consequent about it, even if he goes hysterical - it became a lot easier for all of us. He can now (2 years) accept a no, if it is a real no.
    - lotsofpulp 5y ago
      I don’t necessarily obey them, but I find it difficult to work when a toddler is going crazy around you.
loxs 5y ago
For us it’s me “mostly” working - supporting our existing clients, taking care of investments (sometimes trading a bit), shopping, cooking (taking turns in this one). She is mostly with the kid and when he is sleeping, she does cleaning and other chores. Also sometimes I look after him and she works for clients (when she is more suitable) The company is definitely not progressing. At best we are able to stand still. I don’t think when you are with the kid it’s spare time.
- bladegash 5y ago
  Ah, that makes much more sense, in that you’re not completely stalled on the startup, just more maintaining. Sorry for the misunderstanding!
hutzlibu 5y ago
", one adult is constantly watching the kid, and the other is taking care of household tasks" I know I can't do any deep work, when it is my turn to watch our toddler - but I am very capable of doing household related tasks, etc. And I also have to say, without trying to impose it, but I know this from other parents and sometimes from myself: you definitely can give too much attention to a child - unless you want them to become egocentric narcists, who think the whole world turns around them. Those childs will have a hard time later on, learning that this is not true. And everyone around them, will suffer with them. But of course, I don't know how you actually do things, but this is the image that came to my mind, a image I have seen quite a lot in my generation.
- lotsofpulp 5y ago
  I can do some household tasks, but I was referring to work that requires concentration and no interruptions.

afavour 5y ago

"we mostly don't do anything else nowadays" != "requiring full time attention" I still have downtime after having a kid, but I'm much less motivated to spend it on a side project because I'm that much more exhausted.

iso1210 5y ago
OP seems to think that looking after a single child is more effort than available from two parents, one of whom has an office job

iso1210 5y ago

god knows how normal people cope!

loxs 5y ago
We are wondering the same, especially during the pandemic
- iso1210 5y ago
  I can see how having two full time jobs is tricky with say a 2-year-old, but one person full time looking after half a dozen kids and a house is not rocket science

loxs 5y ago

I didn’t say it’s impossible. We can optimize our time better, we can hire a nanny, she can stop breastfeeding at several months of age etc. But do we want to? It’s a personal/family decision and it’s definitely based on circumstances and necessities. Historically people have raised children in dire conditions. Still would I rather do a startup or have a regular job while raising babies? I don’t think I would ever go the startup route. Would I do a startup otherwise? Hell yeah. You may think differently, but my bubble definitely leans towards either having babies or startups, not both - I know some failed marriages and/or startups while trying both. Of course, there is also the rare success in both (I know one such).

bladegash 5y ago
Oh, by all means if you’re able to choose to do so via the means and desire, I think it’s a great opportunity for not only your child, but also for you and your spouse. I was more surprised at what seemed like was a suggestion that you can’t go back to work or else it would be markedly more difficult for your spouse. I guess it’s to say, lots of people choose not to have additional children because of fears like that and while it is not always easy, people can work and raise children, and better, they still turn out just fine. Kudos to you both for sacrificing your personal goals to spend time raising your child!
- loxs 5y ago
  Yeah, and also COVID didn’t help either. We would definitely hire hourly babysitters, daycare etc, but with COVID it’s not that straightforward. Probably we will try something like that from now on, after we got our vaccines