11 ms·

> Everyone knows kids consume your time. But what people without kids may not realize is the extent to which people with kids want their time to be consumed by

> Everyone knows kids consume your time. But what people without kids may not realize is the extent to which people with kids want their time to be consumed by them. This is one of the hardest parts of parenthood to communicate to non-parents: Yes, children demand a lot of time and attention. However, as a parent you actually enjoy spending that time with your children. To the author's point: Different people will want different balances between time spent working and time spent with kids, and that's fine as long as it remains a balance. There are different ways to divide up time and attention that don't require sacrificing everything for the children. It took me a while to learn that having both parents available on demand 100% of the time isn't necessarily great for the child's development as they grow up. Dropping your kid off at daycare is hard the first few times, but watching my child have fun and develop relationship skills with other kids and people was eye-opening. There are many ways to split the load between parents that are fine in the end. It also helps to remember that "they grow up so fast" is cliche, but it's true. The most demanding early years of child raising fly by quickly. I don't mean to downplay the effort involved, but the situation continues to change as they grow up and become more independent, eventually spending more time at school, on independent activities, with their friends, and so on. It's very difficult for anyone trying to balance demanding startup needs with demanding infant needs, but I also know many people in the startup world who simply had young kids and did startups at different stages in their career rather than overlapping the two. There's nothing wrong with working for a relaxed, big company while your kids are young and need attention, then switching gears to startup mode after they're more independent.

ravenstine 6y ago
I think a lot of that comes from parents often expressing all the negatives of parenthood rather than the positives. Even the ones who love spending time with their kids, in my experience, talk more about how much attention the kids need, taking them to school, the diaper changes, the crying, and so on. This isn't to say that all parents are like this; I've met some really passionate parents, and my parents relished raising me. But in interpersonal discussions as well as popular media, parenthood is usually portrayed as a chore and even a "whoopsie".
- jakear 6y ago
  I think that’s generally true of all descriptions of activities — we simply prefer to list the bad, as commiserating is more socially acceptable than “bragging” about how nice something is. See also: chewing fat over how work sucks rather than how happy you are to be working on interesting stuff, “the ol ball and chain” not how nice it is to have stable relationship, “fucking landlords taking all my money” not convenience of having someone else pay for repairs and assuming risk, etc.
  - Der_Einzige 6y ago
    This is why "critical thinking" is overrated. Becoming good at critical thinking means that you become good at critique - the process of describing the flaws of something. This is the issue with the modern left in america. They do a great job of highlighting injustice (through teaching many critical thinking skills as part of "wokism") but then the solutions given are so poorly articulated that they're laughed out of the room. Most people know they are exploited - few know how to escape it. I'd rather not even know I'm exploited if I have no way out (you know, ignorance is bliss) You highlighted this with our own culture in small acts - but it's just as apparent with our body politic as well...
    - ravenstine 6y ago
      Critical thinking is overrated in the sense that it's hard to distinguish from using superficially skeptical language. Being understanding epistemology and being flexible in thinking is more useful than being a curmudgeon who assumes anything that isn't intuitive is bullshit.
      - _carbyau_ 6y ago
        :-) OTOH, being old enough now to have seen multiple variations of quite a few products, I am amazed at how "designers" of products manage to get basic shit wrong. I mean, how hard is it to just look at your competition and see what they do right. ...and so I likely come across as a curmudgeon calling poorly designed things bullshit as I express my disappointment in a society that hasn't figured out hoverboards yet...
silicon2401 6y ago
> It also helps to remember that "they grow up so fast" is cliche, but it's true. The most demanding early years of child raising fly by quickly. It blew my mind when I heard someone say "kids are only toddlers for a couple of years". As a kid you feel like childhood lasts an eternity, and their developmental stages are so significant, but in comparison they spend less time at each phase (infant, toddler, little kid, etc) than most people spend on a bachelor's degree. I can't imagine how fast the time must feel as a parent, and it helps put into perspective for me why it's difficult for them when kids grow up, since it's not necessarily intuitive to think of their growth in terms of quantitative time.
- PragmaticPulp 6y ago
  > It blew my mind when I heard someone say "kids are only toddlers for a couple of years" In your early 20s, a couple years of hard work sounds like an eternity. In your 30s and later, you realize a couple years is barely a blip on the radar. The infant/toddler phase is only a couple percent of your overall lifespan. Yes, it's work, but it's not subscribing to a lifetime of sacrifice and misery.
  - throwaway0a5e 6y ago
    >In your early 20s, a couple years of hard work sounds like an eternity. >In your 30s and later, you realize a couple years is barely a blip on the radar. Another way to look at this is that when your youth is rapidly diminishing you really care about how you spend it but once that ship has sailed you rationalize whatever path you took.
    - whatshisface 6y ago
      Once it's spent, it doesn't really matter how, except insofar as it's left you with something afterwards. Three people standing side by side, one of them partied their whole twenties, the other focused on career, the last had kids. They're all thirty, so that's the same, but one of them clearly is worse off.
mattferderer 6y ago
> It also helps to remember that "they grow up so fast" is cliche, but it's true. Here's another one for you - "The days are long, the years are short." There's a song that I also often play in my head during frustrating times "You're going to miss this." To me these are both good daily reminders. Very important side note for your health! NEVER EVER say any of the above three things to your spouse when they're stressed or had a bad day. They don't want to hear that. Just listen & comfort them. Remind them on a good day only.
FireBeyond 6y ago
This is the line I have more of an issue with: > Like there’s a single standard of interest that women have in being with their kids when, in fact, it varies a lot between women. If you have "little" interest in being with your kids, well, what's motivating you to have them, and is that fair on them?
- anonfornoreason 6y ago
  There’s a large pressure for women to be empowered, have a career and a family. Many of these people might have chosen kids instead of career, or career instead of kids a decade or two ago. My (stay at home) wife actually occasionally receives condescending remarks from other women who have careers. They are subtle and probably what some people would call micro aggressions, and imply that she is selling herself short by not being part of the new empowered generation.
hapticmonkey 6y ago
One comment a friend said that always stuck with me was "I have never regretted any time I spent with my children". Compare that to work. I'm sure we all have regrets with work. Late nights or weekend working on something that didn't turn out to be worth it. Or working for somebody that didn't turn out to be worth it. But kids? Always worth it. Spend your time wisely.

ravenstine 6y ago

I think a lot of that comes from parents often expressing all the negatives of parenthood rather than the positives. Even the ones who love spending time with their kids, in my experience, talk more about how much attention the kids need, taking them to school, the diaper changes, the crying, and so on. This isn't to say that all parents are like this; I've met some really passionate parents, and my parents relished raising me. But in interpersonal discussions as well as popular media, parenthood is usually portrayed as a chore and even a "whoopsie".

jakear 6y ago
I think that’s generally true of all descriptions of activities — we simply prefer to list the bad, as commiserating is more socially acceptable than “bragging” about how nice something is. See also: chewing fat over how work sucks rather than how happy you are to be working on interesting stuff, “the ol ball and chain” not how nice it is to have stable relationship, “fucking landlords taking all my money” not convenience of having someone else pay for repairs and assuming risk, etc.
- Der_Einzige 6y ago
  This is why "critical thinking" is overrated. Becoming good at critical thinking means that you become good at critique - the process of describing the flaws of something. This is the issue with the modern left in america. They do a great job of highlighting injustice (through teaching many critical thinking skills as part of "wokism") but then the solutions given are so poorly articulated that they're laughed out of the room. Most people know they are exploited - few know how to escape it. I'd rather not even know I'm exploited if I have no way out (you know, ignorance is bliss) You highlighted this with our own culture in small acts - but it's just as apparent with our body politic as well...
  - ravenstine 6y ago
    Critical thinking is overrated in the sense that it's hard to distinguish from using superficially skeptical language. Being understanding epistemology and being flexible in thinking is more useful than being a curmudgeon who assumes anything that isn't intuitive is bullshit.
    - _carbyau_ 6y ago
      :-) OTOH, being old enough now to have seen multiple variations of quite a few products, I am amazed at how "designers" of products manage to get basic shit wrong. I mean, how hard is it to just look at your competition and see what they do right. ...and so I likely come across as a curmudgeon calling poorly designed things bullshit as I express my disappointment in a society that hasn't figured out hoverboards yet...

silicon2401 6y ago

> It also helps to remember that "they grow up so fast" is cliche, but it's true. The most demanding early years of child raising fly by quickly. It blew my mind when I heard someone say "kids are only toddlers for a couple of years". As a kid you feel like childhood lasts an eternity, and their developmental stages are so significant, but in comparison they spend less time at each phase (infant, toddler, little kid, etc) than most people spend on a bachelor's degree. I can't imagine how fast the time must feel as a parent, and it helps put into perspective for me why it's difficult for them when kids grow up, since it's not necessarily intuitive to think of their growth in terms of quantitative time.

PragmaticPulp 6y ago
> It blew my mind when I heard someone say "kids are only toddlers for a couple of years" In your early 20s, a couple years of hard work sounds like an eternity. In your 30s and later, you realize a couple years is barely a blip on the radar. The infant/toddler phase is only a couple percent of your overall lifespan. Yes, it's work, but it's not subscribing to a lifetime of sacrifice and misery.
- throwaway0a5e 6y ago
  >In your early 20s, a couple years of hard work sounds like an eternity. >In your 30s and later, you realize a couple years is barely a blip on the radar. Another way to look at this is that when your youth is rapidly diminishing you really care about how you spend it but once that ship has sailed you rationalize whatever path you took.
  - whatshisface 6y ago
    Once it's spent, it doesn't really matter how, except insofar as it's left you with something afterwards. Three people standing side by side, one of them partied their whole twenties, the other focused on career, the last had kids. They're all thirty, so that's the same, but one of them clearly is worse off.

mattferderer 6y ago

> It also helps to remember that "they grow up so fast" is cliche, but it's true. Here's another one for you - "The days are long, the years are short." There's a song that I also often play in my head during frustrating times "You're going to miss this." To me these are both good daily reminders. Very important side note for your health! NEVER EVER say any of the above three things to your spouse when they're stressed or had a bad day. They don't want to hear that. Just listen & comfort them. Remind them on a good day only.

FireBeyond 6y ago

This is the line I have more of an issue with: > Like there’s a single standard of interest that women have in being with their kids when, in fact, it varies a lot between women. If you have "little" interest in being with your kids, well, what's motivating you to have them, and is that fair on them?

anonfornoreason 6y ago
There’s a large pressure for women to be empowered, have a career and a family. Many of these people might have chosen kids instead of career, or career instead of kids a decade or two ago. My (stay at home) wife actually occasionally receives condescending remarks from other women who have careers. They are subtle and probably what some people would call micro aggressions, and imply that she is selling herself short by not being part of the new empowered generation.

hapticmonkey 6y ago

One comment a friend said that always stuck with me was "I have never regretted any time I spent with my children". Compare that to work. I'm sure we all have regrets with work. Late nights or weekend working on something that didn't turn out to be worth it. Or working for somebody that didn't turn out to be worth it. But kids? Always worth it. Spend your time wisely.