5 ms·

Man, I totally could have written this. The big problem is that whole "finding local groups" thing. That just... doesn't happen. Maybe if I lived in a city,

Man, I totally could have written this. The big problem is that whole "finding local groups" thing. That just... doesn't happen. Maybe if I lived in a city, but not in the 'burbs. Not when you have a full time job and kids.

metalliqaz 5y ago
follow up: And you know what the crazy thing is? I just don't care about stuff like sports, but I'd happily go to a game if I liked the people I was with, for the the chance to hang out. But omg I just don't care about so many of the things that seem to bring people together. That's the curse of the mild introvert, I guess.
the_only_law 5y ago
Meetup gets thrown around as cliche advice for this sort of things, but in the last city I lived, majority of meetups were either very demographic specific (i.e. something like 60+, or women’s business) or fronts for MLM and other scams.
- metalliqaz 5y ago
  yeah I have never found anything on Meetup that interested me. I once went to one for "Computers and programming". Noped out of there real fast. I was the only professional and I'm not interested in helping rookies learn javascript.
  - gbear0 5y ago
    this has been my biggest problem with Meetup style events too. I'm often looking for others with a level of experience or interest in a topic to match my own, only to find people trying to break into the industry and just barely scratching the surface. At that point it's not a social thing for me, it's a mentoring/work thing, and I get this feeling of disappointment in the situation, which persuades me to skip the next.
- j45 5y ago
  It’s easy to start a meetup. I did once and other people who were searching for something similar popped right up and formed some great friendships. It’s ok to be a light host.
  - koboll 5y ago
    Out of curiosity, what kind of meetup did you start? How did you find event space for it?
    - j45 5y ago
      I started a meet up for local digital or tech entrepreneurs to find, learn and take their next steps together. It was a mix of techies, marketing folks, business folks. Didn’t matter as long as you were ready to learn and do your next step. It was less of an event and more of a community of acquaintances who were good at welcoming strangers. Many of us became good friends. Space was public venues, and once folks got to knowledge other, other suggestions of who had access to space came up pretty easily. Today, I’d probably pick something semi different like airmeet and use it for a virtual meetup to gauge interest. Sometimes restaurants or libraries have dedicated rooms that can be booked.
- koboll 5y ago
  Yeah, you have to look for private clubs for the things you're into. Masters swimming. Archery clubs. Book clubs. Whatever. They're usually not on meetup, and often only on their own websites and/or on Facebook. I found this helpful: https://outline.com/aAmy53 https://outline.com/aAmy53
candiddevmike 5y ago
I've also struggled making new (local) friends with kids, especially working from home for a non-local company. This is one of the main reasons I go work at coffee shops--the slim chance I run into someone in the same situation as me. It seems my wife can easily find a ton of mom's groups or women's clubs, for men, not so much.
- metalliqaz 5y ago
  My wife and the other moms in her mom group keep saying that they want the husbands to get together and do something. They just don't understand. We have nothing in common, and the shared experience of having kids is not even close to enough.
  - wussboy 5y ago
    I hear this too. But I think that making friends is about diversifing your interests and theirs as well. Humans in frequent contact with each other tends to move towards alignment.
    - metalliqaz 5y ago
      yeah but you have to have something. A liberal computer nerd and a firefighter steeped in macho culture are just not gonna work.
      - gtfoutttt 5y ago
        Do they both like tri-tip and beer? Boom. Bbq time.
        wussboy 5y ago
        Tri-tip and beer? If you have any friend-slots open I'd like to apply. :)
- apelapan 5y ago
  For me it's been the opposite. Being stuck in a suburb with small children, I've connected properly with more people than ever before in adult life. I wasn't actively searching or joining any groups, I just headed out with the stroller a couple of times per day during six (first child) plus ten (second child) months. I think most people find it simultaneously wonderful and extremely boring to be at home with kids for extended periods, so quite a few seize any chance of having a conversation with another adult. The playgrounds are full of bored parents, and everyone has one or more tiny, human conversation starters. Kindergarten is pretty good as well for meeting people. When a three year old is invited to birthday party, they kind of have to have a parent along for the event. Somewhat specific to my locality (Sweden), there is 15 hours per week of free kindergarten for kids with stay-at-home parents. In my city there are specific drop-off and pickup times for those children, which means that six times per week you meet relaxed and slightly bored other parents, who have kids in the same group as you. This essentially always means that you hang around the yard for a bit and socialize.
wussboy 5y ago
Kids make it tough, for sure. I can't plan time for get togethers because I have to take kids to activities every evening. They're well socialized and I'm a hermit. But I'm starting to push back against the parenting industrial complex. My kids will survive if I have friends or if I'm not there at all their games. I have social needs too.
- hallway_monitor 5y ago
  Never prioritizing your own needs is a good way to end up bitter and divorced. Also competitive sports before high school should be considered child abuse. After all kids aren't the ones signing themselves up for these intensive programs.

metalliqaz 5y ago

follow up: And you know what the crazy thing is? I just don't care about stuff like sports, but I'd happily go to a game if I liked the people I was with, for the the chance to hang out. But omg I just don't care about so many of the things that seem to bring people together. That's the curse of the mild introvert, I guess.

the_only_law 5y ago

Meetup gets thrown around as cliche advice for this sort of things, but in the last city I lived, majority of meetups were either very demographic specific (i.e. something like 60+, or women’s business) or fronts for MLM and other scams.

metalliqaz 5y ago
yeah I have never found anything on Meetup that interested me. I once went to one for "Computers and programming". Noped out of there real fast. I was the only professional and I'm not interested in helping rookies learn javascript.
- gbear0 5y ago
  this has been my biggest problem with Meetup style events too. I'm often looking for others with a level of experience or interest in a topic to match my own, only to find people trying to break into the industry and just barely scratching the surface. At that point it's not a social thing for me, it's a mentoring/work thing, and I get this feeling of disappointment in the situation, which persuades me to skip the next.
j45 5y ago
It’s easy to start a meetup. I did once and other people who were searching for something similar popped right up and formed some great friendships. It’s ok to be a light host.
- koboll 5y ago
  Out of curiosity, what kind of meetup did you start? How did you find event space for it?
  - j45 5y ago
    I started a meet up for local digital or tech entrepreneurs to find, learn and take their next steps together. It was a mix of techies, marketing folks, business folks. Didn’t matter as long as you were ready to learn and do your next step. It was less of an event and more of a community of acquaintances who were good at welcoming strangers. Many of us became good friends. Space was public venues, and once folks got to knowledge other, other suggestions of who had access to space came up pretty easily. Today, I’d probably pick something semi different like airmeet and use it for a virtual meetup to gauge interest. Sometimes restaurants or libraries have dedicated rooms that can be booked.
koboll 5y ago
Yeah, you have to look for private clubs for the things you're into. Masters swimming. Archery clubs. Book clubs. Whatever. They're usually not on meetup, and often only on their own websites and/or on Facebook. I found this helpful: https://outline.com/aAmy53 https://outline.com/aAmy53

candiddevmike 5y ago

I've also struggled making new (local) friends with kids, especially working from home for a non-local company. This is one of the main reasons I go work at coffee shops--the slim chance I run into someone in the same situation as me. It seems my wife can easily find a ton of mom's groups or women's clubs, for men, not so much.

metalliqaz 5y ago
My wife and the other moms in her mom group keep saying that they want the husbands to get together and do something. They just don't understand. We have nothing in common, and the shared experience of having kids is not even close to enough.
- wussboy 5y ago
  I hear this too. But I think that making friends is about diversifing your interests and theirs as well. Humans in frequent contact with each other tends to move towards alignment.
  - metalliqaz 5y ago
    yeah but you have to have something. A liberal computer nerd and a firefighter steeped in macho culture are just not gonna work.
    - gtfoutttt 5y ago
      Do they both like tri-tip and beer? Boom. Bbq time.
      - wussboy 5y ago
        Tri-tip and beer? If you have any friend-slots open I'd like to apply. :)
apelapan 5y ago
For me it's been the opposite. Being stuck in a suburb with small children, I've connected properly with more people than ever before in adult life. I wasn't actively searching or joining any groups, I just headed out with the stroller a couple of times per day during six (first child) plus ten (second child) months. I think most people find it simultaneously wonderful and extremely boring to be at home with kids for extended periods, so quite a few seize any chance of having a conversation with another adult. The playgrounds are full of bored parents, and everyone has one or more tiny, human conversation starters. Kindergarten is pretty good as well for meeting people. When a three year old is invited to birthday party, they kind of have to have a parent along for the event. Somewhat specific to my locality (Sweden), there is 15 hours per week of free kindergarten for kids with stay-at-home parents. In my city there are specific drop-off and pickup times for those children, which means that six times per week you meet relaxed and slightly bored other parents, who have kids in the same group as you. This essentially always means that you hang around the yard for a bit and socialize.

wussboy 5y ago

Kids make it tough, for sure. I can't plan time for get togethers because I have to take kids to activities every evening. They're well socialized and I'm a hermit. But I'm starting to push back against the parenting industrial complex. My kids will survive if I have friends or if I'm not there at all their games. I have social needs too.

hallway_monitor 5y ago
Never prioritizing your own needs is a good way to end up bitter and divorced. Also competitive sports before high school should be considered child abuse. After all kids aren't the ones signing themselves up for these intensive programs.