5 ms·

To me it sounds generous and possibly completely harmless.

fabian2k 6y ago
My experience with conferences is in a different field, but a senior participant proposing to share an AirBnB with a junior participant like a student would be extremely weird. If you want to support the student, you either organize another student for them to share accomodations, or connect them to one of the travel grants for that conference.
Pfhreak 6y ago
It creates a power imbalance, or increases the power imbalance that already existed between the two. If you have a boss/employee relationship, or a mentor/mentee relationship, or a professor/student relationship, you need to tread extra carefully around consent. One party in those relationships holds incredible power over the other, and can coerce the weaker party into things they may not be comfortable doing. Likewise, enabling someone to attend a conference they would not otherwise be able to financially afford creates a possibility of coercion . It's not always coercive, but it needs to be handled delicately and appropriately. In the author's situation, if she refused, there was a chance she was thrown out onto the streets of Berlin at who knows what hour, with no money/luggage, and maybe no ability to speak the local language.
- noobermin 6y ago
  I don't agree. The crime here seems to be rape and the use of power to extract sex from another. That's the problem. I don't see how sharing an AirBnB is by itself a problem. In light of everything else, it fits a pattern of manipulation, but it by itself isn't harmful.
  - Pfhreak 6y ago
    She would not otherwise have been able to attend. She is able to attend specifically because of his "generosity". This wasn't something she proposed, and when she tried to bring others into the arrangement he pushed back, insisting it was just the two of them. So yeah, sharing an AirBNB isn't necessarily bad, but in this case specifically it appears to be predatory.
    - noobermin 6y ago
      Oh, my bad. I missed that part. I didn't know he pushed back on others sharing. That's clearly to get them alone. Thanks.
  - hamburglar 6y ago
    I agree that by itself it wouldn’t necessarily be a “problem” but even so, it would strike a lot of people as pushing the boundaries of appropriateness.
    - Pfhreak 6y ago
      Totally agree with you, just didn't want to take a hard-line stance that it was 100% problematic always.
      - hamburglar 6y ago
        And pushing this boundary doesn’t help your case any if you do end up sleeping with them.
Tade0 6y ago
The generous thing would be to fund a private AirBnB for her.
lowbloodsugar 6y ago
Do you think that accomplished, intelligent rapists like to drag helpless women down dark alleys by their hair after punching them out, or do you think they would prefer a situation where a naive response might be "That sounds generous and possibly completely harmless"? I am going to assume that you are an innocent, not a troll, and ask you that you think like a rapist. What situations would benefit a serial rapist, both in terms of creating a power disadvantage for the victim, a physical opportunity, and a plausible alternative explanation for the public? Bingo. Let's turn it around. You are a respected figure in a community. You are aware, and have read on HN threads like this, how there are terrible women who smear men with baseless, yet career-ending allegations of sexual advances or worse. In what situation are you comfortable with that risk to your career? There is only one such situation: where you are the predator, and you have groomed a naive victim. As a professional, you have no business sharing accommodation, of any kind, with a person of the opposite gender (or the same gender if that is your sexual preference). Frankly unless you are very good friends, not anyone at all.

My experience with conferences is in a different field, but a senior participant proposing to share an AirBnB with a junior participant like a student would be extremely weird. If you want to support the student, you either organize another student for them to share accomodations, or connect them to one of the travel grants for that conference.

Pfhreak 6y ago

It creates a power imbalance, or increases the power imbalance that already existed between the two. If you have a boss/employee relationship, or a mentor/mentee relationship, or a professor/student relationship, you need to tread extra carefully around consent. One party in those relationships holds incredible power over the other, and can coerce the weaker party into things they may not be comfortable doing. Likewise, enabling someone to attend a conference they would not otherwise be able to financially afford creates a possibility of coercion . It's not always coercive, but it needs to be handled delicately and appropriately. In the author's situation, if she refused, there was a chance she was thrown out onto the streets of Berlin at who knows what hour, with no money/luggage, and maybe no ability to speak the local language.

noobermin 6y ago
I don't agree. The crime here seems to be rape and the use of power to extract sex from another. That's the problem. I don't see how sharing an AirBnB is by itself a problem. In light of everything else, it fits a pattern of manipulation, but it by itself isn't harmful.
- Pfhreak 6y ago
  She would not otherwise have been able to attend. She is able to attend specifically because of his "generosity". This wasn't something she proposed, and when she tried to bring others into the arrangement he pushed back, insisting it was just the two of them. So yeah, sharing an AirBNB isn't necessarily bad, but in this case specifically it appears to be predatory.
  - noobermin 6y ago
    Oh, my bad. I missed that part. I didn't know he pushed back on others sharing. That's clearly to get them alone. Thanks.
- hamburglar 6y ago
  I agree that by itself it wouldn’t necessarily be a “problem” but even so, it would strike a lot of people as pushing the boundaries of appropriateness.
  - Pfhreak 6y ago
    Totally agree with you, just didn't want to take a hard-line stance that it was 100% problematic always.
    - hamburglar 6y ago
      And pushing this boundary doesn’t help your case any if you do end up sleeping with them.

Tade0 6y ago

The generous thing would be to fund a private AirBnB for her.

lowbloodsugar 6y ago

Do you think that accomplished, intelligent rapists like to drag helpless women down dark alleys by their hair after punching them out, or do you think they would prefer a situation where a naive response might be "That sounds generous and possibly completely harmless"? I am going to assume that you are an innocent, not a troll, and ask you that you think like a rapist. What situations would benefit a serial rapist, both in terms of creating a power disadvantage for the victim, a physical opportunity, and a plausible alternative explanation for the public? Bingo. Let's turn it around. You are a respected figure in a community. You are aware, and have read on HN threads like this, how there are terrible women who smear men with baseless, yet career-ending allegations of sexual advances or worse. In what situation are you comfortable with that risk to your career? There is only one such situation: where you are the predator, and you have groomed a naive victim. As a professional, you have no business sharing accommodation, of any kind, with a person of the opposite gender (or the same gender if that is your sexual preference). Frankly unless you are very good friends, not anyone at all.