4 ms·

Of course everyone is actually there to meet people, but you can't look like that's what you're doing. You have to look like you're doing something else, to lo

Of course everyone is actually there to meet people, but you can't look like that's what you're doing. You have to look like you're doing something else, to lower the stakes of the interactions. Everyone has to look like they're not trying.

pmoriarty 5y ago
You're not fooling anyone.
- the_local_host 5y ago
  The intent is not to fool anyone, but to provide a face-saving interpretation when socializing falls flat. You didn't stop in for a conversation that might or might not go well; you stopped in for a drink, and that worked. Having some other activity involved (having a drink or otherwise) lowers the stakes when interacting with new people.
- deanCommie 5y ago
  That cynicism won't help you in life. Most of human interactions is a facade of some sort. Smalltalk, icebreakers, most of early dating, even most professional conversations. I know introverts and folks on the spectrum find this intolerable. But it's the foundations of human society. You can hate it, but hating it will only make you angry. Instead, treat it like a game. There are many games you can play in the world to deal with something painful or frustrating. If you're stuck trying to fall asleep, you pretend you're counting sheep jumping a fence. If you're stuck in traffic, you try to guess which lane might be moving faster and make micro optimizations to get their faster. If you're stuck looking for a life partner in a social setting, the game is act like you don't need one, that your life is fully complete without them, and that you don't care about any one specific given social interaction. Of course, the best way to play that game is to actually live that authentic life. But we all fail at hiding our emotions and true intentions in one way or another. So we play games to camouflage it like holding a drink and acting like that's all that we need to be engaged and interested.
- EForEndeavour 5y ago
  With respect, have you been in many club-like settings yourself? It's very easy to look down upon these ridiculous unwritten and fuzzy social rules (yes, they're ridiculous) from behind a screen, but in the moment, holding that glass of carbonated water with a citrus slice in it suddenly feels a lot more natural.

pmoriarty 5y ago

You're not fooling anyone.

the_local_host 5y ago
The intent is not to fool anyone, but to provide a face-saving interpretation when socializing falls flat. You didn't stop in for a conversation that might or might not go well; you stopped in for a drink, and that worked. Having some other activity involved (having a drink or otherwise) lowers the stakes when interacting with new people.
deanCommie 5y ago
That cynicism won't help you in life. Most of human interactions is a facade of some sort. Smalltalk, icebreakers, most of early dating, even most professional conversations. I know introverts and folks on the spectrum find this intolerable. But it's the foundations of human society. You can hate it, but hating it will only make you angry. Instead, treat it like a game. There are many games you can play in the world to deal with something painful or frustrating. If you're stuck trying to fall asleep, you pretend you're counting sheep jumping a fence. If you're stuck in traffic, you try to guess which lane might be moving faster and make micro optimizations to get their faster. If you're stuck looking for a life partner in a social setting, the game is act like you don't need one, that your life is fully complete without them, and that you don't care about any one specific given social interaction. Of course, the best way to play that game is to actually live that authentic life. But we all fail at hiding our emotions and true intentions in one way or another. So we play games to camouflage it like holding a drink and acting like that's all that we need to be engaged and interested.
EForEndeavour 5y ago
With respect, have you been in many club-like settings yourself? It's very easy to look down upon these ridiculous unwritten and fuzzy social rules (yes, they're ridiculous) from behind a screen, but in the moment, holding that glass of carbonated water with a citrus slice in it suddenly feels a lot more natural.