4 ms·

"I didn’t get a job because I was a bully in high school"

6 points by DanielleMolloy 5y ago

gigatexal 5y ago
Being a dick has consequences.
- greenyoda 5y ago
  And some people still treat others badly long after high school. If someone got bullied by a manager or co-worker, it would be even harder to forgive them than to forgive a high school bully. So the consequences could be longer-lasting.
- ksaj 5y ago
  I think it isn't difficult to expect that people who acted a certain way in school would act a completely similar way in adult life. Some people change. But personality indicators don't really seem to change all that much. It does take a highly concerted effort when it happens. Those we call "come to Jesus moments" and they are rare. This next part is all anecdotal, but not disconnected: Even though there are a few people I grew up with that I thought would be successful, but haven't been, most of them are. And generally in unsurprising fields from what I knew of them in our youth. But pretty much everyone I thought would not succeed still haven't - and pretty much always for reasons that were predictable all along. The ones with problematic police relationships haven't ever been a surprise, even though I understand the potential is always there. The technical kids are still technical adults. The artistic ones are still artistic today. And not surprisingly, the slackers are still slackers, the cheats are still cheaters, and the bullies still lack self control.
  - gigatexal 5y ago
    Propensities to bully while in adolescence I think remain in later years. I’ve no scientific evidence for this just what I’ve seen of people in my life over the years.
    - ksaj 5y ago
      I think it boils down to this: It takes far more work for a generally bad person to purposely turn their life around than it takes for a generally good person to accidentally screw up badly. A bully is always going to be a bully unless they have that elusive "come to Jesus" moment. And thereafter, it takes just as much effort to demonstrate that it even happened at all, and that it'll stick. It most often doesn't. And people that know the person in question have seen it over and over again. "and I probably was pretty awful to this girl." Exactly that kind of weasel wording suggests to me that this person is, as you word it, a dick. If she traumatized the other girl so badly that she would quit upon her hire, she'd totally remember why. Unless of course she was such a "dick" to everyone that she just assumes the role without even thinking about it. In both cases, she got what she deserves. It's just pathetic whining about it now, since she made herself the "victim" through victimization of others. She could always do what other people rejected for being useless do: move to a different place where they don't know you are like that.
  - DanielleMolloy 5y ago
    There actually is a follow-up to this story that confirms that this person has not overcome her strong tendency to bully, her narcissism and her fixation on the victim: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/12/update-i-didnt-get-a-job-because-i-was-a-bully-in-high-school.html https://www.askamanager.org/2017/12/update-i-didnt-get-a-job... She rather pities herself at length than putting some effort into admitting and reflecting on the wrongdoings. Similarly to the ‚probably was awful to her’ in the first letter, her fallout (obviously retraumatising the victim at her anniversary) which got her thrown out of a restaurant and blacklisted in the industry gets a short sentence worth of description. I hope for the victim that she could avoid that person.
    - ksaj 5y ago
      "I know you didn’t solicit an update, but I felt compelled to send one." That introduction should surprise no one. The rest is exactly the cliché crocodile's sob story to be expected. She hasn't changed at all, and apparently everyone except her are wrong on this. She is obsessively compelled to make sure you treat her as the center of attention here. "Not being able to make friends sucked" That should cause her to reflect, because her problem stems from sabotaging anything that might make her likable. She whined endlessly about everything except the subject at hand. Her boyfriend obviously thinks very little of her. She can't get to work on time and simply doesn't show up. She provides so many reasons to run for the door when she's around. I sure wouldn't hire her. For her sake, I hope that's a pseudonym. "I ended up yelling/crying at her that she’d ruined my life." So sad. Who's life are we on about again?

gigatexal 5y ago

Being a dick has consequences.

greenyoda 5y ago
And some people still treat others badly long after high school. If someone got bullied by a manager or co-worker, it would be even harder to forgive them than to forgive a high school bully. So the consequences could be longer-lasting.
ksaj 5y ago
I think it isn't difficult to expect that people who acted a certain way in school would act a completely similar way in adult life. Some people change. But personality indicators don't really seem to change all that much. It does take a highly concerted effort when it happens. Those we call "come to Jesus moments" and they are rare. This next part is all anecdotal, but not disconnected: Even though there are a few people I grew up with that I thought would be successful, but haven't been, most of them are. And generally in unsurprising fields from what I knew of them in our youth. But pretty much everyone I thought would not succeed still haven't - and pretty much always for reasons that were predictable all along. The ones with problematic police relationships haven't ever been a surprise, even though I understand the potential is always there. The technical kids are still technical adults. The artistic ones are still artistic today. And not surprisingly, the slackers are still slackers, the cheats are still cheaters, and the bullies still lack self control.
- gigatexal 5y ago
  Propensities to bully while in adolescence I think remain in later years. I’ve no scientific evidence for this just what I’ve seen of people in my life over the years.
  - ksaj 5y ago
    I think it boils down to this: It takes far more work for a generally bad person to purposely turn their life around than it takes for a generally good person to accidentally screw up badly. A bully is always going to be a bully unless they have that elusive "come to Jesus" moment. And thereafter, it takes just as much effort to demonstrate that it even happened at all, and that it'll stick. It most often doesn't. And people that know the person in question have seen it over and over again. "and I probably was pretty awful to this girl." Exactly that kind of weasel wording suggests to me that this person is, as you word it, a dick. If she traumatized the other girl so badly that she would quit upon her hire, she'd totally remember why. Unless of course she was such a "dick" to everyone that she just assumes the role without even thinking about it. In both cases, she got what she deserves. It's just pathetic whining about it now, since she made herself the "victim" through victimization of others. She could always do what other people rejected for being useless do: move to a different place where they don't know you are like that.
- DanielleMolloy 5y ago
  There actually is a follow-up to this story that confirms that this person has not overcome her strong tendency to bully, her narcissism and her fixation on the victim: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/12/update-i-didnt-get-a-job-because-i-was-a-bully-in-high-school.html https://www.askamanager.org/2017/12/update-i-didnt-get-a-job... She rather pities herself at length than putting some effort into admitting and reflecting on the wrongdoings. Similarly to the ‚probably was awful to her’ in the first letter, her fallout (obviously retraumatising the victim at her anniversary) which got her thrown out of a restaurant and blacklisted in the industry gets a short sentence worth of description. I hope for the victim that she could avoid that person.
  - ksaj 5y ago
    "I know you didn’t solicit an update, but I felt compelled to send one." That introduction should surprise no one. The rest is exactly the cliché crocodile's sob story to be expected. She hasn't changed at all, and apparently everyone except her are wrong on this. She is obsessively compelled to make sure you treat her as the center of attention here. "Not being able to make friends sucked" That should cause her to reflect, because her problem stems from sabotaging anything that might make her likable. She whined endlessly about everything except the subject at hand. Her boyfriend obviously thinks very little of her. She can't get to work on time and simply doesn't show up. She provides so many reasons to run for the door when she's around. I sure wouldn't hire her. For her sake, I hope that's a pseudonym. "I ended up yelling/crying at her that she’d ruined my life." So sad. Who's life are we on about again?