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Talking to strangers is wonderful once you learn to do it. I am naturally quite introverted and was very nervous speaking with people until young adulthood. I e

by seneca 6y ago

Talking to strangers is wonderful once you learn to do it. I am naturally quite introverted and was very nervous speaking with people until young adulthood. I eventually realized how limiting it was and put effort into reading books about it. Now my wife often marvels at my ability to chat with just about anyone. Interestingly, my son is the type who has "never met a stranger". I often wonder if it's just natural, or if it is from watching me being comfortable chatting with others. Either way, I'm glad he is not burdened with the same anxiety I was.

thestepafter 6y ago
What books did you read about this topic and if you had to recommend the best one what would it be?
- seneca 6y ago
  I read a few of them. Most weren't very good, honestly, but they managed to convey a mindset that worked for me. Of the ones I read, the only one I would recommend is a massive cliche but I do think it's actually quite good: How to Win Friend and Influence People. It's a quick read. I also picked up the FORD method (just Google that, there are countless articles), which I fall back to as a set progression if I can't think of anything else. The biggest tips are to ask a lot of questions, listen more than you talk, take a genuine interest in what the other person is saying, and to just do it enough that you wear down any natural anxiety. That last point is key, because most anxious people will naturally convey their discomfort in their tone and body language, which keeps others from feeling at ease.
  - ta1234567890 6y ago
    > the only one I would recommend is a massive cliche but I do think it's actually quite good: How to Win Friend and Influence People. It's a quick read. It’s a very good book. However, for me personally, it was too advanced in the beginning. The book that really helped with first dealing with social anxiety was The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane. It has a bunch of exercises that allow you to be present and become more social. To put it in perspective: The Charisma Myth tells you what to do and HTWFAIP tells you what to say. If you are too nervous/anxious and you mostly just want to get out of there, then read The Charisma Myth first. If you are mostly ok with being around people in general, but don’t really know how to strike a conversation, then try How to Win Friends.
    - HeyLaughingBoy 6y ago
      +1 for Fox Cabane. Her YouTube presentations are very good.
    - seneca 6y ago
      > HTWFAIP tells you what to say Yes, I think that's very accurate. My problem was often that I didn't know what to say, or that I thought people wouldn't be interested in what I said, so it worked well for me. I'll need to check out The Charisma Myth some time. Thanks for the recommendation!
  - daniellarusso 6y ago
    So, I am a naturally inquisitive person, and will ask questions, and have most always have had positive interactions because I am interested in the person, but I was in my early 20s at a party, and some guy turned to me and angrily said, “You ask alot of fucking questions!” That was the only time something like that happened. As a young child, though, I was terrified of strangers and children that were a few years older than me.
    - seneca 6y ago
      > some guy turned to me and angrily said, “You ask alot of fucking questions!” That sounds like someone who was very defensive or uncomfortable talking about themself, or just in a bad mood. Who knows? People are unpredictable some times. Generally showing an interest in people is met favorably though, as I'm sure you know. I think it's worth the occasional outburst.
    - renewiltord 6y ago
      What a response! I honestly expected the rest of the story to involve him suspecting you're wearing a wire for the FBI. "You think you're a wise guy, eh? You ask a lotta questions"
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
noisy_boy 6y ago
I'm not the first one to open up and talk to strangers but my son is much more confident and would randomly say hi and talk to strangers (generally to children of his age but I've seen him wave to adults across the street). It is certainly not by watching me :) - but then it is possible that the extroverted behaviour, by definition, gets observed more and hence emulated more.

by seneca 6y ago

thestepafter 6y ago

What books did you read about this topic and if you had to recommend the best one what would it be?

seneca 6y ago
I read a few of them. Most weren't very good, honestly, but they managed to convey a mindset that worked for me. Of the ones I read, the only one I would recommend is a massive cliche but I do think it's actually quite good: How to Win Friend and Influence People. It's a quick read. I also picked up the FORD method (just Google that, there are countless articles), which I fall back to as a set progression if I can't think of anything else. The biggest tips are to ask a lot of questions, listen more than you talk, take a genuine interest in what the other person is saying, and to just do it enough that you wear down any natural anxiety. That last point is key, because most anxious people will naturally convey their discomfort in their tone and body language, which keeps others from feeling at ease.
- ta1234567890 6y ago
  > the only one I would recommend is a massive cliche but I do think it's actually quite good: How to Win Friend and Influence People. It's a quick read. It’s a very good book. However, for me personally, it was too advanced in the beginning. The book that really helped with first dealing with social anxiety was The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane. It has a bunch of exercises that allow you to be present and become more social. To put it in perspective: The Charisma Myth tells you what to do and HTWFAIP tells you what to say. If you are too nervous/anxious and you mostly just want to get out of there, then read The Charisma Myth first. If you are mostly ok with being around people in general, but don’t really know how to strike a conversation, then try How to Win Friends.
  - HeyLaughingBoy 6y ago
    +1 for Fox Cabane. Her YouTube presentations are very good.
  - seneca 6y ago
    > HTWFAIP tells you what to say Yes, I think that's very accurate. My problem was often that I didn't know what to say, or that I thought people wouldn't be interested in what I said, so it worked well for me. I'll need to check out The Charisma Myth some time. Thanks for the recommendation!
- daniellarusso 6y ago
  So, I am a naturally inquisitive person, and will ask questions, and have most always have had positive interactions because I am interested in the person, but I was in my early 20s at a party, and some guy turned to me and angrily said, “You ask alot of fucking questions!” That was the only time something like that happened. As a young child, though, I was terrified of strangers and children that were a few years older than me.
  - seneca 6y ago
    > some guy turned to me and angrily said, “You ask alot of fucking questions!” That sounds like someone who was very defensive or uncomfortable talking about themself, or just in a bad mood. Who knows? People are unpredictable some times. Generally showing an interest in people is met favorably though, as I'm sure you know. I think it's worth the occasional outburst.
  - renewiltord 6y ago
    What a response! I honestly expected the rest of the story to involve him suspecting you're wearing a wire for the FBI. "You think you're a wise guy, eh? You ask a lotta questions"

deleted 6y ago

[deleted]

noisy_boy 6y ago

I'm not the first one to open up and talk to strangers but my son is much more confident and would randomly say hi and talk to strangers (generally to children of his age but I've seen him wave to adults across the street). It is certainly not by watching me :) - but then it is possible that the extroverted behaviour, by definition, gets observed more and hence emulated more.