5 ms·

Stand up for yourself!

by junkrat002 5y ago

giantg2 5y ago
Too late for that. I'm stuck with this.
- pibechorro 5y ago
  Bs. You choose to be stuck. Resist.
  - giantg2 5y ago
    Not looking to divorce since we have a kid.
    - BoysenberryPi 5y ago
      I wasn't going to jump into this thread and I don't want to turn this into "Relationship News" but, I feel like I need to let you know. I grew up with divorced parents who were together longer than they should've been and let me tell you, kids know. They absolutely know when their parents are together but can't stand each other and what's worse, they may assume it's their fault.
      - scrollaway 5y ago
        Seconding. Furthermore, please don't feel like you gotta stay together "for the kid". At least ask the kid whether they care. My parents asked me. I told them I didn't care.
        giantg2 5y ago
        The kid is 2, so they don't really know.
        atat7024 5y ago
        Hopefully for them you've sorted this one way or another in the next year or so. Kids are more perceptive than anyone gives them credit for.
        random314 5y ago
        Looks like you are less than 10 years into the marriage. Get out ASAP. You are stuck with alimony for basically half the length of your marriage. Unless it exceeds 10 years. Then you are stuck for life.
        giantg2 5y ago
        I think that varies by state.
        atat7024 5y ago
        Know, soon.
        elyobo 5y ago
        Wow, those are some crazy laws. Child support is mandatory around here, and follows well defined rules, but spousal support ("alimony") is much less well defined and (in my limited understanding) less common and shorter lived. Edit: "around here" being Australia and New Zealand
      - thedevelopnik 5y ago
        And to support you but from the other side: I grew up with parents who divorced when I was 18 months old when it became clear they did not love each other anymore. But they both wanted the best for me, and didn't do the petty shit I've heard about other couples where they shit-talked each other to the kid or something. They split time with me evenly. They both eventually got re-married and are very happy and I have no regrets about how my childhood went in that regard.
    - random314 5y ago
      Look get a lower paying job in a cheaper location and move. This will lower your monthly alimony payments. You are choosing to be a victim here.
    - giantrobot 5y ago
      At this point you're participating in your own abuse. Your relationship is unbalanced and objectively broken. If you're unwilling to entertain any realistic solutions then you're wasting everyone's time complaining about it. You should seek out real help, either a therapist or marriage counselor. There's no actual reason for you to stay in your current broken state. Your made up reasons are equal parts bullshit and naivety.
      - mr_woozy 5y ago
        This comment right here %100
    - deleted 5y ago
      [deleted]
- harrylepotter 5y ago
  If you control all of the coffers, you should get to choose where you live. Sounds like your relationship is dreadfully unbalanced at the moment.
  - giantg2 5y ago
    If I choose where to live, then I will be divorced and have no money and still be stuck in the same area if I want to see my kid at all.
    - totalminimalist 5y ago
      While my wife and I are mostly eye-to-eye on bills, etc., we are in a disagreement on where to live. We live in Texas, a state I loathe. I'm not from here. I grew up in Europe. My wife is from this area. She makes twice what I make. Both of us love the scenery and overall PNW vibe. I have been trying for years to get my wife to move. She finds every excuse in the book. Meanwhile, neither of us are getting younger. Our daughter is graduating HS soon. This leaves a kid in the house for several more years. Once my daughter is off on her own, I suggested being able to downsize (no real opposition there), maybe buy a nice double-wide trailer on our own land (no real opposition), and save money on taxes, etc., in the PNW close to a fairly large conurbation where we could work. It's tough trying to get someone to see your PoV. Maybe do a spreadsheet with numbers to show her how you could get ahead elsewhere, keeping in mind her hobby. Big houses suck. Literally. Ours is ~2500sf and the upkeep is ridiculous. Maybe sell it as, "we could both do more with our respective hobbies if we had a cheaper outlay every month. We can only be in one room at a time, so having a lavish house is more to impress others than for our own benefit. I encourage you to pursue your hobby (within reason/set a budget maybe). Set a budget for you both outside of essential spending (housing/utilities/medical) and stick to it. I now no longer buy computers. I buy RPis and do things with them. They have a command line. I'm happy. My wife gets her happiness from attending sports games of our children. Her other hobby is gaming. Sell the idea of moving to a cheaper state with less taxes/cheaper property taxes and downsizing but keeping her hobby. It's all about compromise (but not your dignity). Remember, love is not a sentiment or emotion, it's an act of the will. Love wills the good of the other for the other. Find a way to make you both "happy" while giving you both what you want. I'm sure a nice, expensive house with high taxes and ugly upkeep costs would take a back seat to your wife's hobby (at least I would hope it would). Chart it out with numbers and present them. You owe it to yourself to stand up and set the tone, but do so with respect and tangible ideas that you can execute on. Everyone has great ideas, but almost no one can execute on them well.
- scrollaway 5y ago
  She's as stuck with you as you are with her. You are allowed to stand up for yourself.
  - giantg2 5y ago
    Eh, the courts seem to be notoriously biased, so I doubt she's equally stuck.
    - Aunche 5y ago
      No matter how rigged the courts are, it can't be worse than spending 100% of your money taking care of the two of you. You'll still need to stay in the same city for custody, but at least you can switch to a less stressful job. Also, you should keep your eyes peeled for remote jobs.
      - giantg2 5y ago
        "...but at least you can switch to a less stressful job." Nope, the courts will force child support and probably alimony based on the current job rather than some lower paying job one might get during/after any divorce.
        Aunche 5y ago
        How much lower paying are we talking about here? Alimony probably isn't going to be a big deal, since I'm assuming by the age of your child you haven't been married for too long.
    - croh 5y ago
      This is not good advice but as you stuck. Learn to lie and be manipulative.
- everdrive 5y ago
  It's never too late. Overturning old trends is uncomfortable for sure, but definitely not impossible.

Stand up for yourself!

giantg2 5y ago

Too late for that. I'm stuck with this.

pibechorro 5y ago
Bs. You choose to be stuck. Resist.
- giantg2 5y ago
  Not looking to divorce since we have a kid.
  - BoysenberryPi 5y ago
    I wasn't going to jump into this thread and I don't want to turn this into "Relationship News" but, I feel like I need to let you know. I grew up with divorced parents who were together longer than they should've been and let me tell you, kids know. They absolutely know when their parents are together but can't stand each other and what's worse, they may assume it's their fault.
    - scrollaway 5y ago
      Seconding. Furthermore, please don't feel like you gotta stay together "for the kid". At least ask the kid whether they care. My parents asked me. I told them I didn't care.
      - giantg2 5y ago
        The kid is 2, so they don't really know.
        atat7024 5y ago
        Hopefully for them you've sorted this one way or another in the next year or so. Kids are more perceptive than anyone gives them credit for.
        random314 5y ago
        Looks like you are less than 10 years into the marriage. Get out ASAP. You are stuck with alimony for basically half the length of your marriage. Unless it exceeds 10 years. Then you are stuck for life.
        giantg2 5y ago
        I think that varies by state.
        atat7024 5y ago
        Know, soon.
        elyobo 5y ago
        Wow, those are some crazy laws. Child support is mandatory around here, and follows well defined rules, but spousal support ("alimony") is much less well defined and (in my limited understanding) less common and shorter lived. Edit: "around here" being Australia and New Zealand
    - thedevelopnik 5y ago
      And to support you but from the other side: I grew up with parents who divorced when I was 18 months old when it became clear they did not love each other anymore. But they both wanted the best for me, and didn't do the petty shit I've heard about other couples where they shit-talked each other to the kid or something. They split time with me evenly. They both eventually got re-married and are very happy and I have no regrets about how my childhood went in that regard.
  - random314 5y ago
    Look get a lower paying job in a cheaper location and move. This will lower your monthly alimony payments. You are choosing to be a victim here.
  - giantrobot 5y ago
    At this point you're participating in your own abuse. Your relationship is unbalanced and objectively broken. If you're unwilling to entertain any realistic solutions then you're wasting everyone's time complaining about it. You should seek out real help, either a therapist or marriage counselor. There's no actual reason for you to stay in your current broken state. Your made up reasons are equal parts bullshit and naivety.
    - mr_woozy 5y ago
      This comment right here %100
  - deleted 5y ago
    [deleted]
harrylepotter 5y ago
If you control all of the coffers, you should get to choose where you live. Sounds like your relationship is dreadfully unbalanced at the moment.
- giantg2 5y ago
  If I choose where to live, then I will be divorced and have no money and still be stuck in the same area if I want to see my kid at all.
  - totalminimalist 5y ago
    While my wife and I are mostly eye-to-eye on bills, etc., we are in a disagreement on where to live. We live in Texas, a state I loathe. I'm not from here. I grew up in Europe. My wife is from this area. She makes twice what I make. Both of us love the scenery and overall PNW vibe. I have been trying for years to get my wife to move. She finds every excuse in the book. Meanwhile, neither of us are getting younger. Our daughter is graduating HS soon. This leaves a kid in the house for several more years. Once my daughter is off on her own, I suggested being able to downsize (no real opposition there), maybe buy a nice double-wide trailer on our own land (no real opposition), and save money on taxes, etc., in the PNW close to a fairly large conurbation where we could work. It's tough trying to get someone to see your PoV. Maybe do a spreadsheet with numbers to show her how you could get ahead elsewhere, keeping in mind her hobby. Big houses suck. Literally. Ours is ~2500sf and the upkeep is ridiculous. Maybe sell it as, "we could both do more with our respective hobbies if we had a cheaper outlay every month. We can only be in one room at a time, so having a lavish house is more to impress others than for our own benefit. I encourage you to pursue your hobby (within reason/set a budget maybe). Set a budget for you both outside of essential spending (housing/utilities/medical) and stick to it. I now no longer buy computers. I buy RPis and do things with them. They have a command line. I'm happy. My wife gets her happiness from attending sports games of our children. Her other hobby is gaming. Sell the idea of moving to a cheaper state with less taxes/cheaper property taxes and downsizing but keeping her hobby. It's all about compromise (but not your dignity). Remember, love is not a sentiment or emotion, it's an act of the will. Love wills the good of the other for the other. Find a way to make you both "happy" while giving you both what you want. I'm sure a nice, expensive house with high taxes and ugly upkeep costs would take a back seat to your wife's hobby (at least I would hope it would). Chart it out with numbers and present them. You owe it to yourself to stand up and set the tone, but do so with respect and tangible ideas that you can execute on. Everyone has great ideas, but almost no one can execute on them well.
scrollaway 5y ago
She's as stuck with you as you are with her. You are allowed to stand up for yourself.
- giantg2 5y ago
  Eh, the courts seem to be notoriously biased, so I doubt she's equally stuck.
  - Aunche 5y ago
    No matter how rigged the courts are, it can't be worse than spending 100% of your money taking care of the two of you. You'll still need to stay in the same city for custody, but at least you can switch to a less stressful job. Also, you should keep your eyes peeled for remote jobs.
    - giantg2 5y ago
      "...but at least you can switch to a less stressful job." Nope, the courts will force child support and probably alimony based on the current job rather than some lower paying job one might get during/after any divorce.
      - Aunche 5y ago
        How much lower paying are we talking about here? Alimony probably isn't going to be a big deal, since I'm assuming by the age of your child you haven't been married for too long.
  - croh 5y ago
    This is not good advice but as you stuck. Learn to lie and be manipulative.
everdrive 5y ago
It's never too late. Overturning old trends is uncomfortable for sure, but definitely not impossible.