4 ms·

As a woman, I adopted this solution about a year ago. I will literally tell new teammates, "Look, I'm new to this career, I have a TON to learn, and I would lov

As a woman, I adopted this solution about a year ago. I will literally tell new teammates, "Look, I'm new to this career, I have a TON to learn, and I would love to be critiqued and given advice on how I can improve. I operate under a good-faith policy, so I will always assume you're being helpful and not condescending, unless you're overwhelmingly insulting (ie: telling me women aren't made for leadership roles.)" I do not exaggerate when I say that the amount of meaningful advice I've been given since I adopted this technique has increased 5x. Another perk--due to my vocal policy on this, I had an autistic colleague tell me that I'm the only woman he feels comfortable working with. He struggles to read social situations, and he frets that women will interpret his bluntness as him being dismissive or "mansplaining." It made me very sad to think he's missing out on good relationships with so many talented women in our office, just because of this environment of fear. But he's a wonderful friend and colleague, and I am so happy to have his advice and support.

qPM9l3XJrF 6y ago
At a previous job, I worked under a woman who managed a practically-all-male engineering team. I think part of what made her successful at this was that people in our company had a great sense of humor, and she was an enthusiastic participant in our lunchtime bull sessions, ribbing each other and whatnot. >Becca: What are you doing here? I figured they’d have locked you away in the psych ward for good by now. >Scott: Nope. And what are you doing here? You haven’t killed off all your patients yet? >Becca: Only person in this hospital I might kill is standing right in front of me. >Scott: Be careful, I’m armed and dangerous picks up a central line placement practice set menacingly https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/04/23/friendship-is-countersignaling/ https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/04/23/friendship-is-counters... Not only did these kind of conversations make the company a more fun place to work, they also made it easier to speak critically to each other, because our critical feedback didn't seem like a big deal in light of the daily ribbing. There wasn't a lot of corporate BS at that company either--maybe not a coincidence. I imagine there are other things you could do, like curse frequently, if you wanted to broadcast that words don't easily upset you. But telling jokes seems best if you think of one.
- paperwasp42 6y ago
  > I imagine there are other things you could do, like curse frequently, if you wanted to broadcast that words don't easily upset you. But telling jokes seems best if you think of one. I absolutely use this technique, although I'll admit it's more of my natural goofy personality versus a serious effort. I'll often say things to my (all male) team mates like, "Hold up, repeat that for the dumb blonde please" or "If you really want that promotion, I can give you some makeup tutorials." I also refer to myself as "the team mom", since I'm always baking sweets for the team and mentoring our shy new grads. All this jesting is really just a humorous way of me saying, "Hey, look, I'm the only girl on this team, but let's not turn it into an awkward elephant in the room. We may be different, but I know we all have mutual respect, so let's not be weird about it." I have a phenomenal relationship with my team, and I credit a lot of it to this goofiness. It's hard to be guarded and worried about accidentally insulting someone when that person is saying far more insulting things toward themselves (even if it's obviously in total jest.) And in an odd way, by turning those sorts of things into a joke, it's also subtly reminding people that attitudes like "she just got hired because she's a young blond" aren't appropriate. People don't make jokes about totally normal, benign behavior. So it's a win-win situation: I'm surrounded by people I have wonderful relationships with, and those people are subtly reminded of what's work-appropriate behavior through goofy, sarcastic conversations, and not cringey trainings.
foobiekr 6y ago
The problem is you can retroactively change this policy at any time and re-interpret past comments.
- Mordisquitos 6y ago
  Can she? Why would she? One could just as easily say "The problem is that a man can be dismissive and condescending towards you and retroactively claim that he was just following your advice to be candid". If the issue being debated here is an actual problem in (American?) tech business culture, the attitudes and principles that GP commenter is describing are a great step towards solving it. Deep-seated mistrust in the motivations and intentions of others are at the root of the problem, and the road to exacerbating it is paved with bad-faith-assuming hypotheticals.
  - deleted 6y ago
    [deleted]
  - timeslip1523 6y ago
    A man doing that won't get you fired and tarred. The downside risk is too great.
- AussieWog93 6y ago
  There's not a chance that she could do that without every professional relationship she holds exploding in her face.
  - ccozan 6y ago
    Still, is kind of "weapon" that is hold like in deterrence. See #metoo, where facts were kept hidden, until the society was actually prepared to accept the truth, because at that time, a woman would have been laughed in face, for accusing a man of sexism in the 70's ....
    - AussieWog93 6y ago
      Using your weapon analogy, she is both "disarming" herself to the fullest extent possible and providing nukes to other nations to ensure mutually assured destruction in the event she is holding a concealed weapon. What more can she feasibly do?

qPM9l3XJrF 6y ago

At a previous job, I worked under a woman who managed a practically-all-male engineering team. I think part of what made her successful at this was that people in our company had a great sense of humor, and she was an enthusiastic participant in our lunchtime bull sessions, ribbing each other and whatnot. >Becca: What are you doing here? I figured they’d have locked you away in the psych ward for good by now. >Scott: Nope. And what are you doing here? You haven’t killed off all your patients yet? >Becca: Only person in this hospital I might kill is standing right in front of me. >Scott: Be careful, I’m armed and dangerous picks up a central line placement practice set menacingly https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/04/23/friendship-is-countersignaling/ https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/04/23/friendship-is-counters... Not only did these kind of conversations make the company a more fun place to work, they also made it easier to speak critically to each other, because our critical feedback didn't seem like a big deal in light of the daily ribbing. There wasn't a lot of corporate BS at that company either--maybe not a coincidence. I imagine there are other things you could do, like curse frequently, if you wanted to broadcast that words don't easily upset you. But telling jokes seems best if you think of one.

paperwasp42 6y ago
> I imagine there are other things you could do, like curse frequently, if you wanted to broadcast that words don't easily upset you. But telling jokes seems best if you think of one. I absolutely use this technique, although I'll admit it's more of my natural goofy personality versus a serious effort. I'll often say things to my (all male) team mates like, "Hold up, repeat that for the dumb blonde please" or "If you really want that promotion, I can give you some makeup tutorials." I also refer to myself as "the team mom", since I'm always baking sweets for the team and mentoring our shy new grads. All this jesting is really just a humorous way of me saying, "Hey, look, I'm the only girl on this team, but let's not turn it into an awkward elephant in the room. We may be different, but I know we all have mutual respect, so let's not be weird about it." I have a phenomenal relationship with my team, and I credit a lot of it to this goofiness. It's hard to be guarded and worried about accidentally insulting someone when that person is saying far more insulting things toward themselves (even if it's obviously in total jest.) And in an odd way, by turning those sorts of things into a joke, it's also subtly reminding people that attitudes like "she just got hired because she's a young blond" aren't appropriate. People don't make jokes about totally normal, benign behavior. So it's a win-win situation: I'm surrounded by people I have wonderful relationships with, and those people are subtly reminded of what's work-appropriate behavior through goofy, sarcastic conversations, and not cringey trainings.

foobiekr 6y ago

The problem is you can retroactively change this policy at any time and re-interpret past comments.

Mordisquitos 6y ago
Can she? Why would she? One could just as easily say "The problem is that a man can be dismissive and condescending towards you and retroactively claim that he was just following your advice to be candid". If the issue being debated here is an actual problem in (American?) tech business culture, the attitudes and principles that GP commenter is describing are a great step towards solving it. Deep-seated mistrust in the motivations and intentions of others are at the root of the problem, and the road to exacerbating it is paved with bad-faith-assuming hypotheticals.
- deleted 6y ago
  [deleted]
- timeslip1523 6y ago
  A man doing that won't get you fired and tarred. The downside risk is too great.
AussieWog93 6y ago
There's not a chance that she could do that without every professional relationship she holds exploding in her face.
- ccozan 6y ago
  Still, is kind of "weapon" that is hold like in deterrence. See #metoo, where facts were kept hidden, until the society was actually prepared to accept the truth, because at that time, a woman would have been laughed in face, for accusing a man of sexism in the 70's ....
  - AussieWog93 6y ago
    Using your weapon analogy, she is both "disarming" herself to the fullest extent possible and providing nukes to other nations to ensure mutually assured destruction in the event she is holding a concealed weapon. What more can she feasibly do?