5 ms·

I think trust is the issue, a person coming to you for answers is coming from a place of vulnerability. I've solved this in the past by asking the person if th

I think trust is the issue, a person coming to you for answers is coming from a place of vulnerability. I've solved this in the past by asking the person if they want a comforting lie or an honest truth. I still provide feedback in both ways but the honest truth path is what is taken by most people who are able to take negative feedback correctly.

sidr 6y ago
Everyone thinks they want the honest truth. Has anyone ever told you they want you to lie to them?
- lazide 6y ago
  Not the poster, but I’ve used a similar strategy a handful of times - it’s been 50/50. Many people don’t really want a solution, they just want sympathy. Which is long term self sabotage imo, but it is what it is.
- noisy_boy 6y ago
  Depends on the phrasing - you don't have to call it "comforting lie" - something to the effect of "I can offer some encouraging points about this if you like or if you want critique, we can do that" would also do. I have had people tell me in the past, "I don't want you to solve it for me, just listen", which was a learning experience.
- smeej 6y ago
  I've definitely said to someone, "Right now, I want you to reassure me about this, even if you don't believe it." I didn't call it a lie, but yes, that's what I was requesting. In that circumstance, I believed things would ultimately work out, but my confidence was faltering. I needed to hear my own belief in an outside voice whether that person believed it or not. I didn't actually need his belief. I already had my own. I just needed him to voice it.
- WrtCdEvrydy 6y ago
  Yes, usually the management level who wants plausible deniability.
Natanael_L 6y ago
I also think trust is the single biggest issue here. The more you trust somebody the more leeway you will give them in how they can express themselves to you, because you expect them to be honest and you assume that they mean well. You are more willing to interpret ambiguity favorably. From experience this seems to be a rather universal phenomenon. I often determine how I should express myself to people based on how much I think they trust me, and this approach seems to work well enough.
LanceH 6y ago
A lot of people get emotionally tied up with being "in charge" and can't take any criticism from a subordinate or outsider. I've met people who treat any investor as a part owner and will listen to them as best they can. Then there are those who treat any investor as someone who is graciously being tolerated.
random5634 6y ago
I think this is a good framing. Note I always frame as a suggestion rather than a critique - ie, places to increase focus.

sidr 6y ago

Everyone thinks they want the honest truth. Has anyone ever told you they want you to lie to them?

lazide 6y ago
Not the poster, but I’ve used a similar strategy a handful of times - it’s been 50/50. Many people don’t really want a solution, they just want sympathy. Which is long term self sabotage imo, but it is what it is.
noisy_boy 6y ago
Depends on the phrasing - you don't have to call it "comforting lie" - something to the effect of "I can offer some encouraging points about this if you like or if you want critique, we can do that" would also do. I have had people tell me in the past, "I don't want you to solve it for me, just listen", which was a learning experience.
smeej 6y ago
I've definitely said to someone, "Right now, I want you to reassure me about this, even if you don't believe it." I didn't call it a lie, but yes, that's what I was requesting. In that circumstance, I believed things would ultimately work out, but my confidence was faltering. I needed to hear my own belief in an outside voice whether that person believed it or not. I didn't actually need his belief. I already had my own. I just needed him to voice it.
WrtCdEvrydy 6y ago
Yes, usually the management level who wants plausible deniability.

Natanael_L 6y ago

I also think trust is the single biggest issue here. The more you trust somebody the more leeway you will give them in how they can express themselves to you, because you expect them to be honest and you assume that they mean well. You are more willing to interpret ambiguity favorably. From experience this seems to be a rather universal phenomenon. I often determine how I should express myself to people based on how much I think they trust me, and this approach seems to work well enough.

LanceH 6y ago

A lot of people get emotionally tied up with being "in charge" and can't take any criticism from a subordinate or outsider. I've met people who treat any investor as a part owner and will listen to them as best they can. Then there are those who treat any investor as someone who is graciously being tolerated.

random5634 6y ago

I think this is a good framing. Note I always frame as a suggestion rather than a critique - ie, places to increase focus.