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A difficulty of being a minority of any stripe must be the not knowing. Was the architect dismissive of my ideas because I am a woman? Because he shoots down e

A difficulty of being a minority of any stripe must be the not knowing. Was the architect dismissive of my ideas because I am a woman? Because he shoots down everyone’s ideas? Because he has a specific problem with me? Because my ideas are bad? One of the greatest challenges I had to overcome in my career was not reading too much into the actions of others. When you do you can easily be offended by everything.

DoreenMichele 6y ago
A difficulty of being a minority of any stripe must be the not knowing. It's incredibly hard to keep having an open mind, keep trying to figure out "Is this actually constructive criticism or toxic bullshit?" and keep trying to engage in good faith in the face of certain patterns. It's just exhausting. It takes all your time and mental and emotional energy to try to sort it out, which detracts from putting energy into things that will actually advance your career. You can spend hours and hours wondering "What did he mean by that?" in an exchange that lasted under a minute. And you may never figure it out. It's vastly easier to just start erring on the side of "You're all just sexist pigs!" Though, unfortunately, that seems to make the problem more intractable and unresolvable, but it makes is a little easier on a day-to-day basis to cope in the face of a situation that is inherently excessively hard to parse and navigate.
- calylex 6y ago
  > It's vastly easier to just start erring on the side of "You're all just sexist pigs!" So if we lived in a world were the concept of sexism was not as well developed as it is now, at least here in the US, you wouldn't have this internal conflict? Is this not enough reason to not engage in discussion and encourage others (presumably women) not to engage in behavior that keeps sexism at the very forefront of thought?
  - DoreenMichele 6y ago
    I don't understand what you are trying to say.
    - calylex 6y ago
      That maybe it's better not to pour salt on the wound by talking about sexism? Are you as engaged in the other top 30 stories on HN today or somehow this one is the one you needed to chime in on the most?
      - DoreenMichele 6y ago
        That maybe it's better not to pour salt on the wound by talking about sexism? Are you as engaged in the other top 30 stories on HN today or somehow this one is the one you needed to chime in on the most? That's basically a personal attack. I tend to get more attention and engagement for certain topics. If I am less engaged on other topics, that's partly because of "audience response," so to speak. My first comment on HN today is this: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26612921 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26612921 It's about health stuff. It has two upvotes and zero replies. I also posted this which is my writing on one of my many blogs: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26615169 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26615169 It has zero upvotes and zero comments (and not because my stuff never does well -- sometimes, it does well). I'm not pouring salt on any wounds to engage here. I go out of my way to not pour salt on wounds. It's an inherently hard problem to solve. My failure to readily solve it is not because I'm not trying hard enough or something. You can infer that I am handling it pretty darn well based on my cumulative karma here and the fact that I haven't been banned (at least not yet).
        calylex 6y ago
        I am well aware of your karma points here and have been for years, I was not implying you go around gaslighting or anything of the sort. My point was about you and your wellbeing not others necessarily. When you said above: > "Is this actually constructive criticism or toxic bullshit?" and keep trying to engage in good faith in the face of certain patterns. It's just exhausting I'm not sure why it's hard to get this rather simple point across, but what I'm trying to say is the fact that you engage in frequent discussion about sexism may have something to do with it being at the forefront of your thought and the source of your struggle in deciding if something is out of good faith criticism or "toxic bullshit".
_0ffh 6y ago
That reminds me of when I was very young, when I felt treated unfairly I often thought a lot about what I might have done wrong to deserve that kind of treatment. Naturally, in time I also learnt that sometimes people just have a bad day or pent-up aggressions or are simply dicks, and to be wary of projecting too much meaning into these negative interactions.

DoreenMichele 6y ago

A difficulty of being a minority of any stripe must be the not knowing. It's incredibly hard to keep having an open mind, keep trying to figure out "Is this actually constructive criticism or toxic bullshit?" and keep trying to engage in good faith in the face of certain patterns. It's just exhausting. It takes all your time and mental and emotional energy to try to sort it out, which detracts from putting energy into things that will actually advance your career. You can spend hours and hours wondering "What did he mean by that?" in an exchange that lasted under a minute. And you may never figure it out. It's vastly easier to just start erring on the side of "You're all just sexist pigs!" Though, unfortunately, that seems to make the problem more intractable and unresolvable, but it makes is a little easier on a day-to-day basis to cope in the face of a situation that is inherently excessively hard to parse and navigate.

calylex 6y ago
> It's vastly easier to just start erring on the side of "You're all just sexist pigs!" So if we lived in a world were the concept of sexism was not as well developed as it is now, at least here in the US, you wouldn't have this internal conflict? Is this not enough reason to not engage in discussion and encourage others (presumably women) not to engage in behavior that keeps sexism at the very forefront of thought?
- DoreenMichele 6y ago
  I don't understand what you are trying to say.
  - calylex 6y ago
    That maybe it's better not to pour salt on the wound by talking about sexism? Are you as engaged in the other top 30 stories on HN today or somehow this one is the one you needed to chime in on the most?
    - DoreenMichele 6y ago
      That maybe it's better not to pour salt on the wound by talking about sexism? Are you as engaged in the other top 30 stories on HN today or somehow this one is the one you needed to chime in on the most? That's basically a personal attack. I tend to get more attention and engagement for certain topics. If I am less engaged on other topics, that's partly because of "audience response," so to speak. My first comment on HN today is this: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26612921 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26612921 It's about health stuff. It has two upvotes and zero replies. I also posted this which is my writing on one of my many blogs: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26615169 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26615169 It has zero upvotes and zero comments (and not because my stuff never does well -- sometimes, it does well). I'm not pouring salt on any wounds to engage here. I go out of my way to not pour salt on wounds. It's an inherently hard problem to solve. My failure to readily solve it is not because I'm not trying hard enough or something. You can infer that I am handling it pretty darn well based on my cumulative karma here and the fact that I haven't been banned (at least not yet).
      - calylex 6y ago
        I am well aware of your karma points here and have been for years, I was not implying you go around gaslighting or anything of the sort. My point was about you and your wellbeing not others necessarily. When you said above: > "Is this actually constructive criticism or toxic bullshit?" and keep trying to engage in good faith in the face of certain patterns. It's just exhausting I'm not sure why it's hard to get this rather simple point across, but what I'm trying to say is the fact that you engage in frequent discussion about sexism may have something to do with it being at the forefront of your thought and the source of your struggle in deciding if something is out of good faith criticism or "toxic bullshit".

_0ffh 6y ago

That reminds me of when I was very young, when I felt treated unfairly I often thought a lot about what I might have done wrong to deserve that kind of treatment. Naturally, in time I also learnt that sometimes people just have a bad day or pent-up aggressions or are simply dicks, and to be wary of projecting too much meaning into these negative interactions.