5 ms·

Side note, as someone who's last child is ready to leave the nest, I'm finding myself in a bit of a depressive state, sometimes deeply so, because of all the co

by jcims 6y ago

Side note, as someone who's last child is ready to leave the nest, I'm finding myself in a bit of a depressive state, sometimes deeply so, because of all the cool shit that people are doing with their kids that I essentially no longer have the opportunity to do. Objectively we did quite a bit over the years, and doing all the things is obviously unrealistic, but I look back frequently these days and think about the time squandered focusing on providing vs being present, or nights spent on the computer trying to learn things myself rather than sharing what I already know with my kids. It always felt like I had plenty of time. So my advice for anyone reading this is that, if you have kids this age, think about all of the things you dream of doing with them, pick one and DO IT. I mean really lean into it, plan what you want to do and execute like it's a mission if you have to. It doesn't have to be this kind of a high-end project, just little things that really pin memories. Sometimes you just don't have an option to work less or be around more, and that is what it is, but man there is some time that I would spend differently looking back. Now I'm just hoping (to myself) that at some point in the future there are grandkids that will give me a chance to apply some of this hindsight.

Causality1 6y ago
I hope it isn't too long before you get to start doing those things with your grandchildren.
polishdude20 6y ago
This is a really good viewpoint that I've been wondering about myself. I'm fairly young and without kids right now but I've always been thinking about what sort of career I want to have when I do have kids. I'm currently teaching at a university and the pay is average but it's low stress and I get lots of time off in the summer. I'm currently in this constant battle between wanting to leave and get into software to make more money or stay and keep my free time and low stress job in order to be benefit any future children I might have. What would you do in this case? I'd love to know.
- yummypaint 6y ago
  You already have a good setup. As they say the only thing you can't buy is time. As long as everyone's core needs are met making more money won't make anyone happier. Even if you don't have kids it's a mental health plus to have some energy to put toward things that aren't work.
  - wussboy 6y ago
    To add a different perspective, if the GP follows this advice, they won't have the funds to do the project. As a parent I feel caught between these two competing goals all the time: Should I not work and spend time with my kids doing nothing? Or should I work so that I have money to do fun things with my kids in the little time I have left? Or is my desire to have fun with my kids not relevant? Is it more important that I work all the time so that they have a chance of an upper-middle class life when I'm gone? Is it fair to reduce their chances of financial freedom later because I wanted to spend time with them now?
    - polishdude20 6y ago
      Yeah I often wonder about that. Less money means fewer prospects. I think what can help make the decision to your last question is what do you value? Do you think your children need to live an upper middle class life to be happy and fulfilled? Or can you provide that happiness and fulfillment to them (and the lessons you teach them along the way) by spending time with them? Like, can you help your children cope with the stress of adult life by spending time with them when they're young and providing them with values and experiences that help Burress them against the harsh realities of later life? How much does money help with that? It's hard to strike that good balance I think. As for switching jobs to software, ideally, I'd find a remote job then at least that way I could be more flexible with my time and place. Although my summers wouldnt be free.
    - yummypaint 6y ago
      I think people over-estimate the need to spend lots of money to have good experiences. I spent lots of time taking apart super cheap old electronics from HAM radio meets and thrift stores. When you're a kid it's all new to you anyway so it isn't essential to do projects involving the latest and greatest. While the 20k$ project in the article is super impressive, it kind of has to be when one allocates that much cash to a side project. Seems like alot of pressure. I dont think more hours worked corresponds monotonically with financial well-being of descendants. Learning to get things done through creative use of limited resources is an important skill for making money too. There can be value in having to do some salvage instead of having everything pre-stocked. There is also no better way to appreciate the value of a tool than to first go without it.
wussboy 6y ago
I understand and appreciate your sentiment. But don’t beat yourself up about it too much. My experience is that my children aren’t interested in doing these sorts of projects and short of me threatening them (which would defeat the purpose) they’re not going to happen. A child’s evolutionary goals do not align with their parent’s. And while some people are lucky enough to be able to do these things, they are not normal and set an unreasonable goal for the rest of us. I dream of one day being able to go to rugby union games with my kids. But I know they couldn’t care less about the sport so I can force them or try and find some other way to enjoy the sport I love. All you can do is love your kids in the ways that they will allow. Or you can make them hate you, but I think those are the only two options.
- klyrs 6y ago
  I've been trying to engage with my kid, and it's hard because we don't have a lot of common interests. But it's not about me. I hate youtube. But he wants to record videos tearing around the neighborhood looking for "ghosts?" Fine, y'know, that's a great way to get out of the house and run around a bit. Don't like minecraft, but he does. Fine, whatever, I'm gonna play it and learn some cool redstone hacks or whatever. Maybe he'll get into modding when he gets older, and I can lure him deeper into programming. Maybe he'll want to ramp up the production value on these awful videos I record. I'm there for that. The point isn't to make your kid do something big that you want, the point is to make room to do big projects that your kid wants.
Sebb767 6y ago
It's not too late. Sure, when the kid moves far away, it gets a bit harder, but you can still start a weekend project on restoring a car, writing a software or simply playing some online games. Just because he's no longer around 24/7 does not mean you can't do anything together anymore. In fact, they might value the time more now.
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
Tade0 6y ago
As a soon-to-be father my only worry is that my children won't be willing to participate in the things I've come up with already.

by jcims 6y ago

Causality1 6y ago

I hope it isn't too long before you get to start doing those things with your grandchildren.

polishdude20 6y ago

This is a really good viewpoint that I've been wondering about myself. I'm fairly young and without kids right now but I've always been thinking about what sort of career I want to have when I do have kids. I'm currently teaching at a university and the pay is average but it's low stress and I get lots of time off in the summer. I'm currently in this constant battle between wanting to leave and get into software to make more money or stay and keep my free time and low stress job in order to be benefit any future children I might have. What would you do in this case? I'd love to know.

yummypaint 6y ago
You already have a good setup. As they say the only thing you can't buy is time. As long as everyone's core needs are met making more money won't make anyone happier. Even if you don't have kids it's a mental health plus to have some energy to put toward things that aren't work.
- wussboy 6y ago
  To add a different perspective, if the GP follows this advice, they won't have the funds to do the project. As a parent I feel caught between these two competing goals all the time: Should I not work and spend time with my kids doing nothing? Or should I work so that I have money to do fun things with my kids in the little time I have left? Or is my desire to have fun with my kids not relevant? Is it more important that I work all the time so that they have a chance of an upper-middle class life when I'm gone? Is it fair to reduce their chances of financial freedom later because I wanted to spend time with them now?
  - polishdude20 6y ago
    Yeah I often wonder about that. Less money means fewer prospects. I think what can help make the decision to your last question is what do you value? Do you think your children need to live an upper middle class life to be happy and fulfilled? Or can you provide that happiness and fulfillment to them (and the lessons you teach them along the way) by spending time with them? Like, can you help your children cope with the stress of adult life by spending time with them when they're young and providing them with values and experiences that help Burress them against the harsh realities of later life? How much does money help with that? It's hard to strike that good balance I think. As for switching jobs to software, ideally, I'd find a remote job then at least that way I could be more flexible with my time and place. Although my summers wouldnt be free.
  - yummypaint 6y ago
    I think people over-estimate the need to spend lots of money to have good experiences. I spent lots of time taking apart super cheap old electronics from HAM radio meets and thrift stores. When you're a kid it's all new to you anyway so it isn't essential to do projects involving the latest and greatest. While the 20k$ project in the article is super impressive, it kind of has to be when one allocates that much cash to a side project. Seems like alot of pressure. I dont think more hours worked corresponds monotonically with financial well-being of descendants. Learning to get things done through creative use of limited resources is an important skill for making money too. There can be value in having to do some salvage instead of having everything pre-stocked. There is also no better way to appreciate the value of a tool than to first go without it.

wussboy 6y ago

I understand and appreciate your sentiment. But don’t beat yourself up about it too much. My experience is that my children aren’t interested in doing these sorts of projects and short of me threatening them (which would defeat the purpose) they’re not going to happen. A child’s evolutionary goals do not align with their parent’s. And while some people are lucky enough to be able to do these things, they are not normal and set an unreasonable goal for the rest of us. I dream of one day being able to go to rugby union games with my kids. But I know they couldn’t care less about the sport so I can force them or try and find some other way to enjoy the sport I love. All you can do is love your kids in the ways that they will allow. Or you can make them hate you, but I think those are the only two options.

klyrs 6y ago
I've been trying to engage with my kid, and it's hard because we don't have a lot of common interests. But it's not about me. I hate youtube. But he wants to record videos tearing around the neighborhood looking for "ghosts?" Fine, y'know, that's a great way to get out of the house and run around a bit. Don't like minecraft, but he does. Fine, whatever, I'm gonna play it and learn some cool redstone hacks or whatever. Maybe he'll get into modding when he gets older, and I can lure him deeper into programming. Maybe he'll want to ramp up the production value on these awful videos I record. I'm there for that. The point isn't to make your kid do something big that you want, the point is to make room to do big projects that your kid wants.

Sebb767 6y ago

It's not too late. Sure, when the kid moves far away, it gets a bit harder, but you can still start a weekend project on restoring a car, writing a software or simply playing some online games. Just because he's no longer around 24/7 does not mean you can't do anything together anymore. In fact, they might value the time more now.

deleted 6y ago

[deleted]

Tade0 6y ago

As a soon-to-be father my only worry is that my children won't be willing to participate in the things I've come up with already.