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Sounds like OP's spouse was the tipping point. If they stayed on the same page, I wonder if things would've gone differently (ignoring the medical issues which

Sounds like OP's spouse was the tipping point. If they stayed on the same page, I wonder if things would've gone differently (ignoring the medical issues which aren't trivial, of course). The OP seems content to live a life without work. For him, by far the main reason to work was for income. If you don't want to work, then why keep doing so when you no longer need income to fuel your lifestyle? Obviously people are different here, and many (esp. on HN) derive other values from work. The wrench comes when you're surrounded by people who aren't on the same page. Like OP pointed out, you become more disconnected as you both can't relate to the other's chosen lifestyle. OP sees their peers' lifestyles as consumption-focused. And I'd bet those friends couldn't relate to OP either. OP's spouse probably felt caught in the middle between freedom and social inclusion. If you can't relate to your peers, early retirement could feel more like stagnation than freedom. Social inclusion is a hard thing to give up.

kelnos 6y ago
Yeah, OP pointed out that he started drifting away from many of his friends because they were too focused on earning and spending as a goal in and of itself, and they were no longer compatible. But he still had a core group of friends who he still felt close to and understood his lifestyle. It's possible his spouse just didn't have that. Sure, you can always say "get better friends", but that's easier said than done, and it has to be a huge shock to be unable to relate to all of the people you've counted as friends over the past decade or more, and watch your friendships die away. It's even worse if those former "friends" are judging you negatively for not "keeping up" with them. I do expect that to happen with some of my friends (I'm FI, but haven't yet pulled the RE trigger). Some of them with similar levels of FI (or at least the potential) are still very focused on work and building (or helping to build) companies, and don't seem to want to change that. I'm happy for them that they're able to do that freely, without financial worries, but I'm (sadly) sure that we'll drift apart once I retire. Fortunately I do have a solid group of friends who have similar goals as I do, or at least understand and support the life I want, so I expect those friendships to remain strong.
- ghaff 6y ago
  With respect to the friends, I also wonder how much wasn't simply friends getting older and in the natural course of events spending more time with family and other interests. That's pretty much my experience that has very little to do with different financial goals.
  - kelnos 6y ago
    Definitely a fair point, and I'd certainly believe that OP & his wife's radically diverging lifestyles from their friends accelerated that often-natural process.

kelnos 6y ago

Yeah, OP pointed out that he started drifting away from many of his friends because they were too focused on earning and spending as a goal in and of itself, and they were no longer compatible. But he still had a core group of friends who he still felt close to and understood his lifestyle. It's possible his spouse just didn't have that. Sure, you can always say "get better friends", but that's easier said than done, and it has to be a huge shock to be unable to relate to all of the people you've counted as friends over the past decade or more, and watch your friendships die away. It's even worse if those former "friends" are judging you negatively for not "keeping up" with them. I do expect that to happen with some of my friends (I'm FI, but haven't yet pulled the RE trigger). Some of them with similar levels of FI (or at least the potential) are still very focused on work and building (or helping to build) companies, and don't seem to want to change that. I'm happy for them that they're able to do that freely, without financial worries, but I'm (sadly) sure that we'll drift apart once I retire. Fortunately I do have a solid group of friends who have similar goals as I do, or at least understand and support the life I want, so I expect those friendships to remain strong.

ghaff 6y ago
With respect to the friends, I also wonder how much wasn't simply friends getting older and in the natural course of events spending more time with family and other interests. That's pretty much my experience that has very little to do with different financial goals.
- kelnos 6y ago
  Definitely a fair point, and I'd certainly believe that OP & his wife's radically diverging lifestyles from their friends accelerated that often-natural process.