5 ms·

Advice needed: difficult coworker and passive manager

I'm considering leaving my job at a big tech company working on a cool project because I'm having trouble managing my work relationship with a difficult coworker and feel little support from my manager. I am leading a project which a difficult coworker is contributing to. They see any disagreement with them technically as a personal attack, including when I leave them code review comments. I'm the only one working closely with their code on my team. I have brought up with my manager the consistent pattern of low quality code, bugs, missing estimates by 5x, 10x. This has escalated to them leaving me very negative performance feedback and complaining to my manager about my "toxic" behavior. All the other feedback I got from my team was overwhelmingly positive. This coworker said I was "creating an atmosphere of fear" for "ridiculing" and "targeting" them publicly. I've never received feedback like this before on any other teams. I admit, I am direct and get straight to the point when it comes to code. Should I expect my manager to do something other than telling us to "resolve your differences"? I would really just like this coworker to deliver tasks in a timely manner and not create extra work for me or other people, or at the very least communicate to the team when timelines are slipping. Any advice? Strategies?

theli0nheart 6y ago
Have you shared your feelings with the difficult coworker? Why does it matter to you that their estimates are off? How do they create extra work for other people?
- deleted 6y ago
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GianFabien 6y ago
Don't leave your job. You appear to be working for a good company with lots of potential opportunities. I get the impression that your manager might be protecting your under-performing coworker. So I suggest a two step approach: 1. Go to your manager, explain that out of your team of N persons, all but one work well with you and you with them. Request that somebody else work with the one coworker that you have problems with. If your manager refuses, then: 2. Go to HR or your manager's manager and explain that you are working well with your team and only having conflict with one coworker, who in your assessment is under-performing and for reasons unknown to you the issue isn't being addressed by your immediate manager. Thus ask to be assigned to a different team within the company or if no such position is immediately open, to be relieved of working with the errant coworker.
deleted 6y ago
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deleted 6y ago
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bjourne 6y ago
The way you are describing your situation reveals some immaturity on your part in relation to your leadership role. As a project manager, it is your job to make things work and to deal with "difficult" coworkers. Remember that people aren't "difficult" per se, most want to do a good job and they may have rational reason for acting in certain ways. You should talk to your coworker. And you should realize that perhaps you have contributed to your work-relationship having deteriorated. It may not be all on them.
- throwawaydev123 6y ago
  Yes, I agree, it's not all on them and this is a learning opportunity for me as well.
muzani 6y ago
"All the other feedback I got from my team was overwhelmingly positive." If this is true, then you have nothing to worry about. The complaining person is an underperforming outlier and the rest of the team would be eager to use your feedback to get rid of them. However, something about this story feels off. It could be a Byzantine fault - multiple parts of the story being untrue, creating a false overall picture. It could well be that you're actually creating an atmosphere of fear where others agree with you because that's the easiest form of conflict resolution. If your manager is saying "resolve your differences" and not taking sides, it could be that you're both seen as troublesome.
- throwawaydev123 6y ago
  It is indeed hard to take a step back and view without my own biases. I definitely have had my faults. I sometimes respond in a short and direct way that can be seen as aggressive. I can agree that I am part of the problem, but I have a hard time seeing myself as the one creating most of the problem, fear, especially given all the signals that I am doing well at my job (recent peer recognition of achievements, recent promotion) with the exception of this issue. So maybe you are right and time will tell how this will go. edit: actually is there a strategy I can get honest feedback from other coworkers if indeed I am creating fear in the team as you say? I would want to know so I can stop whatever I'm doing.
  - muzani 6y ago
    Feedback from your boss or anonymous feedback helps. One on ones help in identifying these things too. This is difficult to do without management, but you might be able to propose it. Though as long as you are aware of it and checking the tendency to do so, it should be fine.
Jugurtha 6y ago
I'll assume you want to continue working there... Do you have any trace of this in writing? You have your code reviews in some management system like GitHub and GitLab. When you have talked with your manager, and when you talk with them, send a recap of the conversation for memo. Same for conversations you have with your coworker. Make sure it will not become a he said she said issue. Every interaction in writing. It will become obvious who's doing what, who's not doing their job, etc. This will avoid the situation where they get fired and tell you "You didn't tell me" or that there were no warnings. Keep calm and courteous. There are people who count on you losing your shit and say "See what I have to deal with?". Gaslighting and all. Version control is not just for code. When doing things in writing, do not exclude th possibility of reading what you wrote and thinking "Holy cow, I'm the asshole". Either way, verba volant, scripta manent.
- throwawaydev123 6y ago
  > Do you have any trace of this in writing? Yes. One problem was they were merging their code without PR approvals, which caused many regressions. This is generally not allowed in our codebase. My manager was aware of it and the extra work it brought on to the team. It took months for them to correct this behavior, where as most devs, even interns correct in < week. And it only ended when I escalated the issue to my manager's manager. My manager's point though was that the coworker was "improving" which was... true. They had been submitting a higher percentage of PRs over the few months. sorry for the vent... This was probably the most "solid" issue I had that wasn't subjective. > Make sure it will not become a he said she said issue. Every interaction in writing. Good point, I should document our interactions even during meetings. I rely mostly on our written communications to think through our interactions but recollections of meetings are unclear. especially when I didn't view some interaction as memorable from my point of view at all but then later it's used as a vague example as "created fear" in a meeting. > When doing things in writing, do not exclude th possibility of reading what you wrote and thinking "Holy cow, I'm the asshole". Either way, verba volant, scripta manent. Also good advice. I am not by any means perfect in my communications and sometimes I really was the asshole in some situations.
  - 6y ago
Frypa 6y ago
Here is something I did that actually worked. I had the same issue, and I was new to the company. The guy looked like he hated my guts. So I tried to look for something he really wanted and did him a favour. This could be anything really. Then I tried building relationship slowly and it worked. If you go to your manager now, he may think you are not ready for leadership. Sometimes you have to deal with issues by yourself. If you tried everything, then try and have a talk with your manager. But before you go to see her/him, be prepared to explain the issue and the solution. Otherwise you will be seeing as the "complainer" who can't work with other people.
- throwawaydev123 6y ago
  Did you feel like the person who hated you could have seen the favor as "one upping" them or "showing off"? In the past I've tried to help the co worker but I'm not sure if I was harming or helping the relationship now that I think about it.
Irongirl1 6y ago
Read Ben Franklin's autobiography; you are looking for the book story.
- throwawaydev123 6y ago
  Sorry, can you elaborate a bit more? I read his autobiography a looong time ago but I don't recall much of it. Maybe time for a reread.
  - Irongirl1 6y ago
    Do you have an assistant who does your work for you? I'm not being facetious, but I gave you a lead...it is for you to do the follow-up...or not. I'm not the one with the problem.

theli0nheart 6y ago

Have you shared your feelings with the difficult coworker? Why does it matter to you that their estimates are off? How do they create extra work for other people?

deleted 6y ago
[deleted]

GianFabien 6y ago

Don't leave your job. You appear to be working for a good company with lots of potential opportunities. I get the impression that your manager might be protecting your under-performing coworker. So I suggest a two step approach: 1. Go to your manager, explain that out of your team of N persons, all but one work well with you and you with them. Request that somebody else work with the one coworker that you have problems with. If your manager refuses, then: 2. Go to HR or your manager's manager and explain that you are working well with your team and only having conflict with one coworker, who in your assessment is under-performing and for reasons unknown to you the issue isn't being addressed by your immediate manager. Thus ask to be assigned to a different team within the company or if no such position is immediately open, to be relieved of working with the errant coworker.

deleted 6y ago

[deleted]

deleted 6y ago

[deleted]

bjourne 6y ago

The way you are describing your situation reveals some immaturity on your part in relation to your leadership role. As a project manager, it is your job to make things work and to deal with "difficult" coworkers. Remember that people aren't "difficult" per se, most want to do a good job and they may have rational reason for acting in certain ways. You should talk to your coworker. And you should realize that perhaps you have contributed to your work-relationship having deteriorated. It may not be all on them.

throwawaydev123 6y ago
Yes, I agree, it's not all on them and this is a learning opportunity for me as well.

muzani 6y ago

"All the other feedback I got from my team was overwhelmingly positive." If this is true, then you have nothing to worry about. The complaining person is an underperforming outlier and the rest of the team would be eager to use your feedback to get rid of them. However, something about this story feels off. It could be a Byzantine fault - multiple parts of the story being untrue, creating a false overall picture. It could well be that you're actually creating an atmosphere of fear where others agree with you because that's the easiest form of conflict resolution. If your manager is saying "resolve your differences" and not taking sides, it could be that you're both seen as troublesome.

throwawaydev123 6y ago
It is indeed hard to take a step back and view without my own biases. I definitely have had my faults. I sometimes respond in a short and direct way that can be seen as aggressive. I can agree that I am part of the problem, but I have a hard time seeing myself as the one creating most of the problem, fear, especially given all the signals that I am doing well at my job (recent peer recognition of achievements, recent promotion) with the exception of this issue. So maybe you are right and time will tell how this will go. edit: actually is there a strategy I can get honest feedback from other coworkers if indeed I am creating fear in the team as you say? I would want to know so I can stop whatever I'm doing.
- muzani 6y ago
  Feedback from your boss or anonymous feedback helps. One on ones help in identifying these things too. This is difficult to do without management, but you might be able to propose it. Though as long as you are aware of it and checking the tendency to do so, it should be fine.

Jugurtha 6y ago

I'll assume you want to continue working there... Do you have any trace of this in writing? You have your code reviews in some management system like GitHub and GitLab. When you have talked with your manager, and when you talk with them, send a recap of the conversation for memo. Same for conversations you have with your coworker. Make sure it will not become a he said she said issue. Every interaction in writing. It will become obvious who's doing what, who's not doing their job, etc. This will avoid the situation where they get fired and tell you "You didn't tell me" or that there were no warnings. Keep calm and courteous. There are people who count on you losing your shit and say "See what I have to deal with?". Gaslighting and all. Version control is not just for code. When doing things in writing, do not exclude th possibility of reading what you wrote and thinking "Holy cow, I'm the asshole". Either way, verba volant, scripta manent.

throwawaydev123 6y ago
> Do you have any trace of this in writing? Yes. One problem was they were merging their code without PR approvals, which caused many regressions. This is generally not allowed in our codebase. My manager was aware of it and the extra work it brought on to the team. It took months for them to correct this behavior, where as most devs, even interns correct in < week. And it only ended when I escalated the issue to my manager's manager. My manager's point though was that the coworker was "improving" which was... true. They had been submitting a higher percentage of PRs over the few months. sorry for the vent... This was probably the most "solid" issue I had that wasn't subjective. > Make sure it will not become a he said she said issue. Every interaction in writing. Good point, I should document our interactions even during meetings. I rely mostly on our written communications to think through our interactions but recollections of meetings are unclear. especially when I didn't view some interaction as memorable from my point of view at all but then later it's used as a vague example as "created fear" in a meeting. > When doing things in writing, do not exclude th possibility of reading what you wrote and thinking "Holy cow, I'm the asshole". Either way, verba volant, scripta manent. Also good advice. I am not by any means perfect in my communications and sometimes I really was the asshole in some situations.
- 6y ago

Frypa 6y ago

Here is something I did that actually worked. I had the same issue, and I was new to the company. The guy looked like he hated my guts. So I tried to look for something he really wanted and did him a favour. This could be anything really. Then I tried building relationship slowly and it worked. If you go to your manager now, he may think you are not ready for leadership. Sometimes you have to deal with issues by yourself. If you tried everything, then try and have a talk with your manager. But before you go to see her/him, be prepared to explain the issue and the solution. Otherwise you will be seeing as the "complainer" who can't work with other people.

throwawaydev123 6y ago
Did you feel like the person who hated you could have seen the favor as "one upping" them or "showing off"? In the past I've tried to help the co worker but I'm not sure if I was harming or helping the relationship now that I think about it.

Irongirl1 6y ago

Read Ben Franklin's autobiography; you are looking for the book story.

throwawaydev123 6y ago
Sorry, can you elaborate a bit more? I read his autobiography a looong time ago but I don't recall much of it. Maybe time for a reread.
- Irongirl1 6y ago
  Do you have an assistant who does your work for you? I'm not being facetious, but I gave you a lead...it is for you to do the follow-up...or not. I'm not the one with the problem.