4 ms·

I'm amazed that this article fails to consider an obvious explanation for conversations going past when either party wants them to end-- politeness. It happens

I'm amazed that this article fails to consider an obvious explanation for conversations going past when either party wants them to end-- politeness. It happens that I care about the other guy and he may care about me. Therefore, to end a conversation I need to want it to end AND I need to give the other guy a chance to SIGNAL that he wants it to continue. He may or may not give that signal, but I have to provide that opportunity. If he is using the same strategy, then of course the conversation will go beyond the point either of us "wanted" it to go, because both of us are giving the energy time to wind down. But that's not really a problem... it's the outcome of a heuristic for having a polite conversation. Seems like this article is a covert way of complaining that "hell is other people."

pdpi 6y ago
The article seems to me to deliberately avoid coming up with an explanation, it’s mostly about the effect itself. There’s a paragraph at the end about the possibility of studying cultural cues and other such factors which would aim at coming up with an explanation
- twelve40 6y ago
  Maybe not the study, but the article's title is pretty strongly hinting that most people are clueless idiots who ramble without any regard to their surroundings ("don't know when to shut up"). Whereas it's possible you or the other person know exactly when to shut up, but are just trying to politely engage or wind things down. For example, I don't like most small talk and wish it never existed and people got straight to the point with a shorter conversation. But it's a fact of life and I accept that some time will be wasted since it's a "polite thing to do".
  - shrikant 6y ago
    Wow interesting, the initial "strong hint" that I got from the title was that most people are too polite to draw a conversation to a close. I guess we truly do bring our biases into intepretation of ambiguities!
    - kar5pt 6y ago
      How did you get "people are polite" from an article titled, "people literally don't know when to shut up"?
  - pizza234 6y ago
    Talking has different functions; it's not just a mean to deliver a message. If we want to be technical, one could imagine small talk as the handshake (and/or the keepalive) of human/social/emotional connection. I believe that people who display an aversion in line of principle to small talk, have difficulties to communicate with people in general.
    - DyslexicAtheist 6y ago
      small talk is a whole spectrum depending on which society you live in. what is seen as supportive and caring in one group, may in other societies be read as a pathetic display of insecurity via compulsive constant reassurance that things are still OK. I have lived among both groups and one of the hardest things was/is the transition from one to the other (every couple of years - I move a lot). For sake of illustration here is how it effects me (slightly exaggerated for purpose of showing the contrast): When I live among "rude" continental Europeans (or Chinese/Koreans/Singaporeans) I'm outraged at my environment for not constantly being kind to strangers. And when I live in places dominated by "uppety" native-English expats or in English speaking countries the constant fake/inauthentic display of caring for each other makes my skin crawl. In my case I will always get sick quickly of whatever my current surrounding is and I start missing the other group. I personally think this is a generalization: > people who display an aversion in line of principle to small talk, have difficulties to communicate with people in general. Having grown up in a "rude" society I had to work hard to shed this behavior in order to thrive in my new surrounding. When switching back to my origins I end up resenting them for being vile, uncultured or "asocial". It took me a couple of decades and learning not to take either society/customs too personal. But to me it's always more emotional effort to ignore noise than it is to deal with the silence (or lack of manners).

pdpi 6y ago

The article seems to me to deliberately avoid coming up with an explanation, it’s mostly about the effect itself. There’s a paragraph at the end about the possibility of studying cultural cues and other such factors which would aim at coming up with an explanation

twelve40 6y ago
Maybe not the study, but the article's title is pretty strongly hinting that most people are clueless idiots who ramble without any regard to their surroundings ("don't know when to shut up"). Whereas it's possible you or the other person know exactly when to shut up, but are just trying to politely engage or wind things down. For example, I don't like most small talk and wish it never existed and people got straight to the point with a shorter conversation. But it's a fact of life and I accept that some time will be wasted since it's a "polite thing to do".
- shrikant 6y ago
  Wow interesting, the initial "strong hint" that I got from the title was that most people are too polite to draw a conversation to a close. I guess we truly do bring our biases into intepretation of ambiguities!
  - kar5pt 6y ago
    How did you get "people are polite" from an article titled, "people literally don't know when to shut up"?
- pizza234 6y ago
  Talking has different functions; it's not just a mean to deliver a message. If we want to be technical, one could imagine small talk as the handshake (and/or the keepalive) of human/social/emotional connection. I believe that people who display an aversion in line of principle to small talk, have difficulties to communicate with people in general.
  - DyslexicAtheist 6y ago
    small talk is a whole spectrum depending on which society you live in. what is seen as supportive and caring in one group, may in other societies be read as a pathetic display of insecurity via compulsive constant reassurance that things are still OK. I have lived among both groups and one of the hardest things was/is the transition from one to the other (every couple of years - I move a lot). For sake of illustration here is how it effects me (slightly exaggerated for purpose of showing the contrast): When I live among "rude" continental Europeans (or Chinese/Koreans/Singaporeans) I'm outraged at my environment for not constantly being kind to strangers. And when I live in places dominated by "uppety" native-English expats or in English speaking countries the constant fake/inauthentic display of caring for each other makes my skin crawl. In my case I will always get sick quickly of whatever my current surrounding is and I start missing the other group. I personally think this is a generalization: > people who display an aversion in line of principle to small talk, have difficulties to communicate with people in general. Having grown up in a "rude" society I had to work hard to shed this behavior in order to thrive in my new surrounding. When switching back to my origins I end up resenting them for being vile, uncultured or "asocial". It took me a couple of decades and learning not to take either society/customs too personal. But to me it's always more emotional effort to ignore noise than it is to deal with the silence (or lack of manners).