4 ms·

I agree and disagree. During my PhD, I had several women friends have kids. It was a great time to have kids other than the poverty thing, if you had a supporti

by kaitai 6y ago

I agree and disagree. During my PhD, I had several women friends have kids. It was a great time to have kids other than the poverty thing, if you had a supportive advisor. But what was not great was the lack of structure around it, by which I mean clear and equitable maternity leave policies for people in this sort-of-employee, sort-of-student position which many PhD students in STEM inhabit. But I gotta say I don't see non-feminists advocating for maternity leave for grad students, so part of your post puzzles me. I was breast-feeding while a professor and needed to pump at work. The nearest lactation space was in a different building, which was somewhat inconvenient, and I had a sometimes-shared office during the day so that wasn't perfect. But it worked out -- mostly because a bunch of, uh, I guess feminists had advocated for lactation spaces to be officially made available across campus (they did a great job, taking a very data-driven approach wrt geography and student/staff density). Before those spaces were available, I know a woman who pumped in a dirty janitorial closet. One day the janitor walked in on her accidentally and everyone was quite embarrassed. But there were no other places available; even the bathrooms didn't have electrical outlets close enough to space to sit to pump. Heartily agree that destigmatizing gaps and breaks would be great, and there are lots of people working to do that. Maybe it's different where you live compared to where I live. I guess I live in a low-cost-of-living part of the Midwest where we aren't so high-stress about everything. Don't know what it would take to change SV. For me, I sure as heck outsourced my baby to a nanny 15 hours a week after she was 3 months old. Do you know how nice it is to shower alone and have conversations with adults? Also, it was wonderful for my kid to get some love from someone else; I don't why she should be restricted to only two adult contacts for 16 months of her life. I was very lucky that I was able to teach evening classes and my husband took FMLA one day a week for the first year, so that we both had time to devote to the careers we love as well as the kid we love. I fully support the stay at home moms I know, and I am also thrilled that I did not do that, thanks. But my message to you is don't be scared of your career prospects w/children. Seriously, don't worry about it. F*&^ anyone who says having kids will derail your career. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. Maybe a TBI you sustain during a competitive road biking event or your weekend at Tahoe will derail your career instead. And the higher-paid you are before you have kids, the easier it will be to advance afterward. Life is long. Babyhood and toddlerhood is short. You'll be fine.

lazyasciiart 6y ago
My brother-in-law, a grad student in Seattle, has six months of paternity leave. Not sure how old a practice that is. I'm not sure what kind of lifestyle would lead to a kid with only two adult contacts - most stay at home parents I've known are involved in multiple social groups aimed at parents and kids, even decades ago my mother took us to playgroups and swapped babysitting time with others to get that time alone.
- kaitai 6y ago
  MIT apparently just instituted some parental leave policies for grad students. I go my PhD about ten years ago, and we did not have parental leave policies across departments at that time. What bugs me about much of the discussion is that many of the commenters here are talking about how ideal a stay-at-home parent (mom) is, while not acknowledging that fact that actually being a stay-at-home parent involves lots of not staying at home and making arrangements so that you can get time not with your kid or doing less intensive supervision of your kid, but still firmly holding that you are more virtuous if you are sitting on your porch drinking wine with other mommies while the kids play, or cleaning up their poop, than if you are in a standup about what's happening this sprint and your kid is in daycare playing with the other kids and having poop cleaned up by someone who gets some money for the task. Something just seems lost in the rhetoric.

by kaitai 6y ago

lazyasciiart 6y ago

My brother-in-law, a grad student in Seattle, has six months of paternity leave. Not sure how old a practice that is. I'm not sure what kind of lifestyle would lead to a kid with only two adult contacts - most stay at home parents I've known are involved in multiple social groups aimed at parents and kids, even decades ago my mother took us to playgroups and swapped babysitting time with others to get that time alone.

kaitai 6y ago
MIT apparently just instituted some parental leave policies for grad students. I go my PhD about ten years ago, and we did not have parental leave policies across departments at that time. What bugs me about much of the discussion is that many of the commenters here are talking about how ideal a stay-at-home parent (mom) is, while not acknowledging that fact that actually being a stay-at-home parent involves lots of not staying at home and making arrangements so that you can get time not with your kid or doing less intensive supervision of your kid, but still firmly holding that you are more virtuous if you are sitting on your porch drinking wine with other mommies while the kids play, or cleaning up their poop, than if you are in a standup about what's happening this sprint and your kid is in daycare playing with the other kids and having poop cleaned up by someone who gets some money for the task. Something just seems lost in the rhetoric.