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I've got two small kids and some of this resonates with me. I just ordered the book, so we'll see. I'm a little skeptical of the 'learn from ancient cultures' a

I've got two small kids and some of this resonates with me. I just ordered the book, so we'll see. I'm a little skeptical of the 'learn from ancient cultures' angle but I don't begrudge the publisher the need to have a marketing gimmick. If this book peaks your interest, you may be interested in checking out the book Do Parents Matter?: Why Japanese Babies Sleep Soundly, Mexican Siblings Don't Fight, and American Families Should Just Relax. The title is more gimmicky than the book itself. It compares parenting styles across a lot of different cultures and has some interesting insights. For instance, they make a convincing case that toddler tantrums (the terrible 2s) are a cultural phenomenon. There are places in the world where 2- and 3-year-olds don't throw tantrums the way they do in the United States. That doesn't mean those other cultures are doing a better (or worse) job, just that they are reinforcing different behaviors based on different goals and values. https://smile.amazon.com/Do-Parents-Matter-Japanese-Siblings/dp/161039822X https://smile.amazon.com/Do-Parents-Matter-Japanese-Siblings... I had a few main takeaways from the book: - There is a very wide range of parenting styles around the world, most of which turn out perfectly good adults. - You can be reflective about your own style but it will largely be a product of your own background and values. Be realistic with yourself about what you can change. - You are not the only people in your children's lives, and you should take that into account. If your style is completely at odds with the other people around them (teachers, grandparents, etc.) you should take that into account. - The feedback cycle is slower than most people think, IMO. If your 3-year-old is throwing tantrums you can come up with strategies to mitigate the problem, but they are probably doing it based on things you did 6-12 months ago (or more). You should remember this and go easy both on your kid and yourself. I only have 2 kids and the oldest is 3.5, so take all this with a grain of salt. I need about 30 years and a few hundred more children before I can draw any conclusions with much confidence, and even then it will be a pretty flawed experiment.

sterlinm 6y ago
Also of interest is this other entry in the annals of cross cultural parenting. https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2019/03/13/685533353/a-playful-way-to-teach-kids-to-control-their-anger https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2019/03/13/6855333...
GoToRO 6y ago
So why Mexican Siblings Don't Fight?
- sterlinm 6y ago
  I didn't really remember this part particularly well and have no opinion on whether it's true, but I was curious so I looked up that part of the book. Also, the way it is presented in the book it's pretty clear that they're talking about a rather specific subset of Mexican children. It looks like this part was based on research that took place in rural Mexico in the 1980s. The context is that one of the authors of the book (Sarah LeVine I think) spent time observing families in Tilzapotla. The book describes the children in the book as being shockingly tolerant of their younger siblings (shocking to an American, I mean). Here's the authors' description and theory as to why the kids didn't fight: > "When, after ten hours in the house, she turned off her video recorder, Sarah still hadn't seen the children squabble among themselves, much less come to blows...After watching their astonishingly good-natured behavior, it occurred to Sarah that Carlos had once been the apple of his mother's eye; and before him, Pablo, and so on all the way up to thirteen-year-old María. Rosa had given the best of herself to each baby, but once a new baby arrived, her attention had to shift. From then on, the only sure way the replaced child could earn his intensely busy mother's approval was by being with the baby who now filled his slot. To become a full member of the family 'team', he had to learn patience and kindness and to find delight in his 'follower.' Thus, the agrarian world contains examples of toddler environments that promote sibling solidarity and emotional relationships with multiple adults...American parents cannot simply borrow wholesale practices predicated on large households with hierarchical values, but we might be able to learn from them..." That's the theory anyway.

sterlinm 6y ago

Also of interest is this other entry in the annals of cross cultural parenting. https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2019/03/13/685533353/a-playful-way-to-teach-kids-to-control-their-anger https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2019/03/13/6855333...

GoToRO 6y ago

So why Mexican Siblings Don't Fight?

sterlinm 6y ago
I didn't really remember this part particularly well and have no opinion on whether it's true, but I was curious so I looked up that part of the book. Also, the way it is presented in the book it's pretty clear that they're talking about a rather specific subset of Mexican children. It looks like this part was based on research that took place in rural Mexico in the 1980s. The context is that one of the authors of the book (Sarah LeVine I think) spent time observing families in Tilzapotla. The book describes the children in the book as being shockingly tolerant of their younger siblings (shocking to an American, I mean). Here's the authors' description and theory as to why the kids didn't fight: > "When, after ten hours in the house, she turned off her video recorder, Sarah still hadn't seen the children squabble among themselves, much less come to blows...After watching their astonishingly good-natured behavior, it occurred to Sarah that Carlos had once been the apple of his mother's eye; and before him, Pablo, and so on all the way up to thirteen-year-old María. Rosa had given the best of herself to each baby, but once a new baby arrived, her attention had to shift. From then on, the only sure way the replaced child could earn his intensely busy mother's approval was by being with the baby who now filled his slot. To become a full member of the family 'team', he had to learn patience and kindness and to find delight in his 'follower.' Thus, the agrarian world contains examples of toddler environments that promote sibling solidarity and emotional relationships with multiple adults...American parents cannot simply borrow wholesale practices predicated on large households with hierarchical values, but we might be able to learn from them..." That's the theory anyway.