2 ms·

mattman, I have been through something very similar. I'm a long time developer who has made great sacrifices to put my own plans on the back burner and move ba

by edw519 15y ago

mattman, I have been through something very similar. I'm a long time developer who has made great sacrifices to put my own plans on the back burner and move back to my hometown to care for my mother with Alzheimer's. It is the most important thing I've ever done. We are both doing exactly the right thing. You should be proud. A few thoughts... I have no idea who I am anymore professionally You are the same person you've always been. You have lost nothing. It may not seem that way right now because you haven't exercised your work muscles for a while, but what we do, like riding a bike, is NOT forgotten. It just needs to become active again. Once you start working again, you will remember pretty much everything and you will most definitely remember who you are professionally. In addition, one of the most important qualities for anyone in our field is not just what we know, but how well we can learn new stuff. You have already done this; you will do it again. Your skills may become a little outdated but it doesn't matter. You will learn new stuff just like you've done many times before. I had to move back home to a relatively inactive area - no tech scene, no innovators, no night life, no forward-thinking, no excitement. Ten years ago, this may have been a problem, but now you can let the wonders of modern technology help overcome a lot of these issues. Use Hacker News for your tech scene, innovators, and forward-thinking. Frankly, these things are overrated in real life. Not so sure about night life; you'll have to find a way to solve that one. If you have too much trouble finding appropriate local work, remote options are wonderful for people like you and me. Use one of the many remote opportunity posts here on Hacker News to find something. Anyone reading this with a remote opportunity for mattman should contact him off-line to explore the possibilities. mattman, you should fill out your profile to help others help you. As far as your parents are concerned, please understand that there are incredible options available to you and your family. Attendants can come to your home. There are wonderful adult day care centers. And most importantly, assisted living and nursing homes are NOT to be avoided; they should be embraced if they are the appropriate option. Moving my mother into a nursing home was the best thing we ever did for all concerned. We just didn't realize it until after we had to make the move. There must be all kinds of resouces in your community, including financial. You just have to go out and find them. Your parents are your new start-up. Your goal is NOT to take care of them; it must be to be an entrepreneur and put people in place to do that for you. I don't know where to start in your community, but get started. Ask anyone and have them point you to the help and the money you are entitled to. We all paid in for this; now is the time for you to use it for what it was intended. Don't let your parents talk you out of what you must do, the roles have been completely reversed. Now is the time for tough love. Do what you must to make this successful for everyone. Forget about the rest of your family. If they can support you, great. If not, ignore them. They don't matter. Please understand that this advice comes from hard-earned experience. Don't make the same mistakes as me and expect more from others than you're likely to receive. You are doing the right thing and you will come out of this stronger than ever. Keep your head up, do what you have to do, and eventually get your life back. Contact me off-line if you wish. Best wishes, mattman!

Sukotto 15y ago
fill out your profile Mattman, in case you're not aware, the email field in your profile is invisible. If you want to allow people to contact you, please add it to "about" textbox. I have no specific advice for you. But I do want to cheer you on. Good luck and know that many of us are sending you our best wishes
keeptrying 15y ago
_Books for dealing with the emotional stress_ Also the following books helped me to get my mind straight about all this: 1. The Art of Happiness by HH Dalai Lama and Howard C Cutler 2. The New Earth - Eckhart Tolle You'll realize that comparing your life the outward projection of other peoples lives is pointless and is mostly useless. Also the most important thing that you'll realize is that suffering is in your mind. And is something you can control. _Books on how to care for Alzheimers patients_ Some books I HIGHLY recommend to figure out how to care for your parents and for yourself: 1. Alzheimers - Early Stages by Daniel Kuhn 2. The 36 hour day by Rabins et al. 3. The Anti-Alzheimers Prescription by Vincent Fortanasce. (This is not really anti anything but goes through modalities that _could_ reduce alzheimers in the future.) To get an idea of what an alzheimers parent is going through you could read: Alzheimers from the inside out by Richard Taylor. _Dangerous Drugs_ Also the 2 drugs that might get prescribed and that you would want to watch out for because of abnormally high rates of deaths in the trails are: 1. Reminyl(Galantamine) 2. Donepezil 23mg dosage. (The 10mg dosage doesnt seem to have had any side effects for my dad in the last 2 years). _Personal Situation_ My dad has Alzheimers too. Right now he seems to be able to live on his own. We handle all his taxes, medicines, doctors visits etc. My dad's case is made worse by him living in a village in rural India. And he vehemently will not leave. Electricity is only present for about 19 hours a day and water only for 4 hours a day. This makes it much more interesting a problem. :) But he is a pretty amazing guy having gone from a village to an engineering degree and high ranking navy officer so he's a got fighting spirit which I think helps him. (Interestingly theres wireless internet here for 24 hours a day!) _Other Thoughts_ I absolutely agree with edw519 - you cant expect any help from anyone but you can ask. You'll be surprised by people who will be willing to help. You have to become part of the community you are in. You dont have to even tell them about your parents until you've known them for a while. Also I think in the US there is a lot of support you can get from local organizations. The Alzheimer's Book number 1 recommendation above lists a lot of helpful resources that could be useful even if your parents dont have alzheimers. _Practical Advice_ 1. Create a strict regimen for your parents. Something they can do on their own. As edw519 says, use attendants, nurses, adult day care etc. 2. Make time for yourself. And use this time to start applying for remote jobs or take on simple work from sites like RentACoder etc. _Bottom Line_ You arent missing out on ANYTHING. Every friend of yours will have to deal with aging parents at one point or another. Or worse they've already lost theirs. You are able to get some quality time with these people which I think you are lucky to be able to do. I dont know at what stage your parents are but I aired out all my past grievances with my dad and its made our relationship that much more stronger. I admire him a little bit more now. Dads situation has also brought my whole family closer. _My Contact_ You can contact me at railsnoob at yahoo dot com if you like for whatever - just to vent (I always feel like venting after a few days iwth dad :) ... or talk about our experiences or anything.

by edw519 15y ago

Sukotto 15y ago

fill out your profile Mattman, in case you're not aware, the email field in your profile is invisible. If you want to allow people to contact you, please add it to "about" textbox. I have no specific advice for you. But I do want to cheer you on. Good luck and know that many of us are sending you our best wishes

keeptrying 15y ago

_Books for dealing with the emotional stress_ Also the following books helped me to get my mind straight about all this: 1. The Art of Happiness by HH Dalai Lama and Howard C Cutler 2. The New Earth - Eckhart Tolle You'll realize that comparing your life the outward projection of other peoples lives is pointless and is mostly useless. Also the most important thing that you'll realize is that suffering is in your mind. And is something you can control. _Books on how to care for Alzheimers patients_ Some books I HIGHLY recommend to figure out how to care for your parents and for yourself: 1. Alzheimers - Early Stages by Daniel Kuhn 2. The 36 hour day by Rabins et al. 3. The Anti-Alzheimers Prescription by Vincent Fortanasce. (This is not really anti anything but goes through modalities that _could_ reduce alzheimers in the future.) To get an idea of what an alzheimers parent is going through you could read: Alzheimers from the inside out by Richard Taylor. _Dangerous Drugs_ Also the 2 drugs that might get prescribed and that you would want to watch out for because of abnormally high rates of deaths in the trails are: 1. Reminyl(Galantamine) 2. Donepezil 23mg dosage. (The 10mg dosage doesnt seem to have had any side effects for my dad in the last 2 years). _Personal Situation_ My dad has Alzheimers too. Right now he seems to be able to live on his own. We handle all his taxes, medicines, doctors visits etc. My dad's case is made worse by him living in a village in rural India. And he vehemently will not leave. Electricity is only present for about 19 hours a day and water only for 4 hours a day. This makes it much more interesting a problem. :) But he is a pretty amazing guy having gone from a village to an engineering degree and high ranking navy officer so he's a got fighting spirit which I think helps him. (Interestingly theres wireless internet here for 24 hours a day!) _Other Thoughts_ I absolutely agree with edw519 - you cant expect any help from anyone but you can ask. You'll be surprised by people who will be willing to help. You have to become part of the community you are in. You dont have to even tell them about your parents until you've known them for a while. Also I think in the US there is a lot of support you can get from local organizations. The Alzheimer's Book number 1 recommendation above lists a lot of helpful resources that could be useful even if your parents dont have alzheimers. _Practical Advice_ 1. Create a strict regimen for your parents. Something they can do on their own. As edw519 says, use attendants, nurses, adult day care etc. 2. Make time for yourself. And use this time to start applying for remote jobs or take on simple work from sites like RentACoder etc. _Bottom Line_ You arent missing out on ANYTHING. Every friend of yours will have to deal with aging parents at one point or another. Or worse they've already lost theirs. You are able to get some quality time with these people which I think you are lucky to be able to do. I dont know at what stage your parents are but I aired out all my past grievances with my dad and its made our relationship that much more stronger. I admire him a little bit more now. Dads situation has also brought my whole family closer. _My Contact_ You can contact me at railsnoob at yahoo dot com if you like for whatever - just to vent (I always feel like venting after a few days iwth dad :) ... or talk about our experiences or anything.