4 ms·

There’s a Better Way to Parent: Less Yelling, Less Praise

55 points by Fnoord 6y ago

foreigner 6y ago
Noble savage parenting.
- sterlinm 6y ago
  Paleo Parenting sounds more marketable to me...
lioeters 6y ago
I was curious about "less praise", as it seemed counter-intuitive. > [As Americans,] one of the craziest things we do is praise children constantly.. I recorded myself to see how frequently I praised my little girl, Rosy, and I noticed that I would exaggeratedly react to even her smallest accomplishments. > [..if you look around the world and throughout human history..] Everywhere I went, I don’t know if I ever heard a parent praise a child. Yet these kids are incredibly self-sufficient, confident, and respectful — everything we want praise to do, these kids already have it, without the praise. > ..I decided to try. It’s not that there’s no feedback, but it’s much gentler feedback — parents will smile or nod if a child is doing something they want. I started doing that, and Rosy’s behavior really improved. A lot of the attention-seeking behavior went away. Not being a parent (yet) myself, it's hard to understand the emotional/psychological dynamics. I suppose it means that parents' praise is often counter-productive, and encourages children to expect such attention all the time - and, I guess, to misbehave in order to get it. --- Another interesting point in the interview is about how parents react when children misbehave. > Rosy started having a tantrum, and I was getting ready to yell at her to stop. But Elizabeth, our interpreter, came over to her and addressed her in the calmest voice. > Immediately, Rosy just stopped — when she was around that calmness, her whole body relaxed. I was like, Okay, I’m just doing this tantrum thing completely wrong. > ..Young children are..illogical, irrational beings who haven’t matured enough and haven’t acquired understanding or reason yet. So there’s no reason to get upset or argue back — if you do, you’re being just like the child. --- And this part about raising children with an extended family: > ..Young children are basically designed to be raised by a group of people, not just two.
- GoToRO 6y ago
  Exaggerated praise is fake, so it has no value. The person receiving it can not use it to gauge their skill level. Children imitate parents. If you yell, they yell. Most parents can't live with an exact copy of themselves. It's like looking in a mirror for emotions.
- robotresearcher 6y ago
  There needs to be dynamic range in feedback. This is true for managers as well as parents. If every little thing is 'awesome' and people are 'super amazing', and I'm 'incredibly excited' about everything, there's 1. nothing left to say when things are really amazing 2. an implication that less would be acceptable
- sterlinm 6y ago
  Some of the advice about controlling your reactions to avoid reinforcing tantrums etc. sounds straight out of 1-2-3 Magic, an old and popular parenting book. https://smile.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Discipline-Effective-Parenting/dp/149262988X/ref=sr_1_1 https://smile.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Discipline-Effective-Pa...
nullserver 6y ago
One of my children has oppositional defiant disorder. (Mom is same) Since she was a tiny baby should would oppose you just for the sake of it. From 2-7. Let’s go to park/pool/etc. Instant meltdown. Horse farm probably the sole exception. Regardless she would have a blast on every outing. Tried hours of calmness to angry rages and everything in between. Generally 90 minutes of drama would be needed to before she wore out enough so we could go have fun. Bed time would leave everyone dripping in sweat. We’ve reached the point we’re we just tell her to knock it off, then we ignore her until she decides to join in. This usually takes 5-15 minutes. Not playing into it is so far our best strategy. Other day she wanted us to adopted a Goose. After being told no, she went to the Tent and proceeded to wail for awhile. She the proceeded to slowly move closer and closer to make sure we could hear her wailing. Eventually she went back to playing when she couldn’t get a response. None of other children are like that. The mom clearly had same as a child and early adult. So yeah? Parenting is hard.
sterlinm 6y ago
I've got two small kids and some of this resonates with me. I just ordered the book, so we'll see. I'm a little skeptical of the 'learn from ancient cultures' angle but I don't begrudge the publisher the need to have a marketing gimmick. If this book peaks your interest, you may be interested in checking out the book Do Parents Matter?: Why Japanese Babies Sleep Soundly, Mexican Siblings Don't Fight, and American Families Should Just Relax. The title is more gimmicky than the book itself. It compares parenting styles across a lot of different cultures and has some interesting insights. For instance, they make a convincing case that toddler tantrums (the terrible 2s) are a cultural phenomenon. There are places in the world where 2- and 3-year-olds don't throw tantrums the way they do in the United States. That doesn't mean those other cultures are doing a better (or worse) job, just that they are reinforcing different behaviors based on different goals and values. https://smile.amazon.com/Do-Parents-Matter-Japanese-Siblings/dp/161039822X https://smile.amazon.com/Do-Parents-Matter-Japanese-Siblings... I had a few main takeaways from the book: - There is a very wide range of parenting styles around the world, most of which turn out perfectly good adults. - You can be reflective about your own style but it will largely be a product of your own background and values. Be realistic with yourself about what you can change. - You are not the only people in your children's lives, and you should take that into account. If your style is completely at odds with the other people around them (teachers, grandparents, etc.) you should take that into account. - The feedback cycle is slower than most people think, IMO. If your 3-year-old is throwing tantrums you can come up with strategies to mitigate the problem, but they are probably doing it based on things you did 6-12 months ago (or more). You should remember this and go easy both on your kid and yourself. I only have 2 kids and the oldest is 3.5, so take all this with a grain of salt. I need about 30 years and a few hundred more children before I can draw any conclusions with much confidence, and even then it will be a pretty flawed experiment.
- sterlinm 6y ago
  Also of interest is this other entry in the annals of cross cultural parenting. https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2019/03/13/685533353/a-playful-way-to-teach-kids-to-control-their-anger https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2019/03/13/6855333...
- 6y ago

55 points by Fnoord 6y ago

foreigner 6y ago

Noble savage parenting.

sterlinm 6y ago
Paleo Parenting sounds more marketable to me...

lioeters 6y ago

I was curious about "less praise", as it seemed counter-intuitive. > [As Americans,] one of the craziest things we do is praise children constantly.. I recorded myself to see how frequently I praised my little girl, Rosy, and I noticed that I would exaggeratedly react to even her smallest accomplishments. > [..if you look around the world and throughout human history..] Everywhere I went, I don’t know if I ever heard a parent praise a child. Yet these kids are incredibly self-sufficient, confident, and respectful — everything we want praise to do, these kids already have it, without the praise. > ..I decided to try. It’s not that there’s no feedback, but it’s much gentler feedback — parents will smile or nod if a child is doing something they want. I started doing that, and Rosy’s behavior really improved. A lot of the attention-seeking behavior went away. Not being a parent (yet) myself, it's hard to understand the emotional/psychological dynamics. I suppose it means that parents' praise is often counter-productive, and encourages children to expect such attention all the time - and, I guess, to misbehave in order to get it. --- Another interesting point in the interview is about how parents react when children misbehave. > Rosy started having a tantrum, and I was getting ready to yell at her to stop. But Elizabeth, our interpreter, came over to her and addressed her in the calmest voice. > Immediately, Rosy just stopped — when she was around that calmness, her whole body relaxed. I was like, Okay, I’m just doing this tantrum thing completely wrong. > ..Young children are..illogical, irrational beings who haven’t matured enough and haven’t acquired understanding or reason yet. So there’s no reason to get upset or argue back — if you do, you’re being just like the child. --- And this part about raising children with an extended family: > ..Young children are basically designed to be raised by a group of people, not just two.

GoToRO 6y ago
Exaggerated praise is fake, so it has no value. The person receiving it can not use it to gauge their skill level. Children imitate parents. If you yell, they yell. Most parents can't live with an exact copy of themselves. It's like looking in a mirror for emotions.
robotresearcher 6y ago
There needs to be dynamic range in feedback. This is true for managers as well as parents. If every little thing is 'awesome' and people are 'super amazing', and I'm 'incredibly excited' about everything, there's 1. nothing left to say when things are really amazing 2. an implication that less would be acceptable
sterlinm 6y ago
Some of the advice about controlling your reactions to avoid reinforcing tantrums etc. sounds straight out of 1-2-3 Magic, an old and popular parenting book. https://smile.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Discipline-Effective-Parenting/dp/149262988X/ref=sr_1_1 https://smile.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Discipline-Effective-Pa...

nullserver 6y ago

One of my children has oppositional defiant disorder. (Mom is same) Since she was a tiny baby should would oppose you just for the sake of it. From 2-7. Let’s go to park/pool/etc. Instant meltdown. Horse farm probably the sole exception. Regardless she would have a blast on every outing. Tried hours of calmness to angry rages and everything in between. Generally 90 minutes of drama would be needed to before she wore out enough so we could go have fun. Bed time would leave everyone dripping in sweat. We’ve reached the point we’re we just tell her to knock it off, then we ignore her until she decides to join in. This usually takes 5-15 minutes. Not playing into it is so far our best strategy. Other day she wanted us to adopted a Goose. After being told no, she went to the Tent and proceeded to wail for awhile. She the proceeded to slowly move closer and closer to make sure we could hear her wailing. Eventually she went back to playing when she couldn’t get a response. None of other children are like that. The mom clearly had same as a child and early adult. So yeah? Parenting is hard.

sterlinm 6y ago

I've got two small kids and some of this resonates with me. I just ordered the book, so we'll see. I'm a little skeptical of the 'learn from ancient cultures' angle but I don't begrudge the publisher the need to have a marketing gimmick. If this book peaks your interest, you may be interested in checking out the book Do Parents Matter?: Why Japanese Babies Sleep Soundly, Mexican Siblings Don't Fight, and American Families Should Just Relax. The title is more gimmicky than the book itself. It compares parenting styles across a lot of different cultures and has some interesting insights. For instance, they make a convincing case that toddler tantrums (the terrible 2s) are a cultural phenomenon. There are places in the world where 2- and 3-year-olds don't throw tantrums the way they do in the United States. That doesn't mean those other cultures are doing a better (or worse) job, just that they are reinforcing different behaviors based on different goals and values. https://smile.amazon.com/Do-Parents-Matter-Japanese-Siblings/dp/161039822X https://smile.amazon.com/Do-Parents-Matter-Japanese-Siblings... I had a few main takeaways from the book: - There is a very wide range of parenting styles around the world, most of which turn out perfectly good adults. - You can be reflective about your own style but it will largely be a product of your own background and values. Be realistic with yourself about what you can change. - You are not the only people in your children's lives, and you should take that into account. If your style is completely at odds with the other people around them (teachers, grandparents, etc.) you should take that into account. - The feedback cycle is slower than most people think, IMO. If your 3-year-old is throwing tantrums you can come up with strategies to mitigate the problem, but they are probably doing it based on things you did 6-12 months ago (or more). You should remember this and go easy both on your kid and yourself. I only have 2 kids and the oldest is 3.5, so take all this with a grain of salt. I need about 30 years and a few hundred more children before I can draw any conclusions with much confidence, and even then it will be a pretty flawed experiment.

sterlinm 6y ago
Also of interest is this other entry in the annals of cross cultural parenting. https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2019/03/13/685533353/a-playful-way-to-teach-kids-to-control-their-anger https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2019/03/13/6855333...
6y ago