4 ms·

You've obviously never been an unattractive man on Tinder. It's not just "hard", it's mentally excruciating. You can easily swipe through thousands of women and

by kar5pt 6y ago

You've obviously never been an unattractive man on Tinder. It's not just "hard", it's mentally excruciating. You can easily swipe through thousands of women and not find one that's willing to even have a conversation with you. I'm honestly surprised that dating app related suicides aren't more common. I'm tired of this, "just keep trying and you'll land a woman" narrative. It's the same logic that capitalists use to tell poor people, "just keep working hard and you'll succeed". It expects people to keep facing failure after failure and never let's us admit that for some men dating is just not worth the pain involved. And then when they see the writing on the wall and give up, that's just used as more evidence that "men don't try hard enough" and aren't willing to face failure.

AnIdiotOnTheNet 6y ago
> You've obviously never been an unattractive man on Tinder. It's not just "hard", it's mentally excruciating. You don't have to be unattractive to find it excruciating, it's just generally excruciating by its very nature. Being in the top 5% or so of attractiveness is just the only way out. Dating apps are terrible and will one day rank among mankind's most awful crimes. > I'm tired of this, "just keep trying and you'll land a woman" narrative. It's the same logic that capitalists use to tell poor people, "just keep working hard and you'll succeed". Eh, I think in this case it is generally true though. If you approach dating from a perspective of finding potential mutual-goal life partners as opposed to some kind of sex-hunting or prize-seeking game, you probably can find someone. Society doesn't encourage us to think of relationships in this way though. > It expects people to keep facing failure after failure and never let's us admit that for some men dating is just not worth the pain involved. On this I will agree at least. If you find dating a damaging experience that makes your life worse, then it's ok to just not do it. Or at least find a different way to do it. Definitely not apps.
- kar5pt 6y ago
  The part about it being easier if you're looking for a life partner is not true in my experience since most young women on dating apps will just assume that any man on there just wants sex and is lying if he says otherwise. The other part which I forgot to mention is that social capital has been declining since the 60's (see the book Bowling Alone), so it's become harder to meet someone off of dating apps. The institutions which used to facilitate finding partners are no longer there so apps are becoming the only option.
  - AnIdiotOnTheNet 6y ago
    > The part about it being easier if you're looking for a life partner is not true in my experience since most young women on dating apps will just assume that any man on there just wants sex and is lying if he says otherwise. Maybe this didn't come across well, but I specifically don't recommend using dating apps ever. Meeting someone in real life that fits those criteria is a matter of being places where people are that you're likely to get along with, and then, you know, getting to know at least one well enough to start dating them. It's not easy exactly but it is a heck of a lot more likely you'll find someone that way than trolling an eyeball-farming simulacrum of human interaction.
    - kar5pt 6y ago
      I agree but that's becoming harder as social capital deteriorates. For example, I've tried joining hobby groups and they're usually overwelming older people and/or male. You could say, "just try different hobbies" but that would just be me pretending to like things that I don't to get laid, which is kind of sleazy. This is not a problem that can be solved on the individual level. We need networks that can facilitate forming social connections. And that (in my opinion) is a sociological project.
    - PurpleFoxy 6y ago
      I know this doesn’t apply to most, but as a gay person, I think apps are probably the easiest way to find someone since you can’t just hang around places and try to meet people.
      - jjj1232 6y ago
        I mostly agree, but that’s not always been the case, and it’s something we can change! The US has become more atomized in the last 40 or so years (by design). We need more public spaces, community organizations, and general in-person connection (post-pandemic obv) to solve it.

by kar5pt 6y ago

AnIdiotOnTheNet 6y ago

> You've obviously never been an unattractive man on Tinder. It's not just "hard", it's mentally excruciating. You don't have to be unattractive to find it excruciating, it's just generally excruciating by its very nature. Being in the top 5% or so of attractiveness is just the only way out. Dating apps are terrible and will one day rank among mankind's most awful crimes. > I'm tired of this, "just keep trying and you'll land a woman" narrative. It's the same logic that capitalists use to tell poor people, "just keep working hard and you'll succeed". Eh, I think in this case it is generally true though. If you approach dating from a perspective of finding potential mutual-goal life partners as opposed to some kind of sex-hunting or prize-seeking game, you probably can find someone. Society doesn't encourage us to think of relationships in this way though. > It expects people to keep facing failure after failure and never let's us admit that for some men dating is just not worth the pain involved. On this I will agree at least. If you find dating a damaging experience that makes your life worse, then it's ok to just not do it. Or at least find a different way to do it. Definitely not apps.

kar5pt 6y ago
The part about it being easier if you're looking for a life partner is not true in my experience since most young women on dating apps will just assume that any man on there just wants sex and is lying if he says otherwise. The other part which I forgot to mention is that social capital has been declining since the 60's (see the book Bowling Alone), so it's become harder to meet someone off of dating apps. The institutions which used to facilitate finding partners are no longer there so apps are becoming the only option.
- AnIdiotOnTheNet 6y ago
  > The part about it being easier if you're looking for a life partner is not true in my experience since most young women on dating apps will just assume that any man on there just wants sex and is lying if he says otherwise. Maybe this didn't come across well, but I specifically don't recommend using dating apps ever. Meeting someone in real life that fits those criteria is a matter of being places where people are that you're likely to get along with, and then, you know, getting to know at least one well enough to start dating them. It's not easy exactly but it is a heck of a lot more likely you'll find someone that way than trolling an eyeball-farming simulacrum of human interaction.
  - kar5pt 6y ago
    I agree but that's becoming harder as social capital deteriorates. For example, I've tried joining hobby groups and they're usually overwelming older people and/or male. You could say, "just try different hobbies" but that would just be me pretending to like things that I don't to get laid, which is kind of sleazy. This is not a problem that can be solved on the individual level. We need networks that can facilitate forming social connections. And that (in my opinion) is a sociological project.
  - PurpleFoxy 6y ago
    I know this doesn’t apply to most, but as a gay person, I think apps are probably the easiest way to find someone since you can’t just hang around places and try to meet people.
    - jjj1232 6y ago
      I mostly agree, but that’s not always been the case, and it’s something we can change! The US has become more atomized in the last 40 or so years (by design). We need more public spaces, community organizations, and general in-person connection (post-pandemic obv) to solve it.