I've always assumed I had OCD but never sought help so I've never been officially diagnosed. I'm officially 'agitated depressed' which as I understand it is th

I've always assumed I had OCD but never sought help so I've never been officially diagnosed. I'm officially 'agitated depressed' which as I understand it is the old name for type II bipolar. Since I was a kid I had problems with lines when walking. My right foot always had to cross over first, and completely(i.e. not step on the line). I remember in my teenage years starting a counting ritual where I had to turn on an off a lightswitch a certain number of times, usually 3 but not always(always odd though) when I entered or exited a room. I had a praying phase, despite being sort of an atheist, where I had to pray 3 times a day for an extended time just to quiet the thoughts of imminent doom. Lots of other rituals but I've mostly forgotten them by now. I remember having issues with 'doorways' like if there was a support cable from a telephone pole over a sidewalk I would do everything I could to avoid it. Fast forward to my mid 20s and I became a rather heavy pot smoker. That allowed me to confront my fears since I was basically too lazy to endure all the rituals. I had some relief but over a few years the rituals slowly came back in minor forms. For a while I could only turn one way in bed. I still have to have every knife in the house pointing away from the bedrooms. I don't have checking rituals, I just handle it when I see it. Most of my compulsions have some sort of abstract rule behind them, like spoons facing away from most of the house(because they're taking away), my wallet sits with the money coming towards me on my desk, etc. It sounds absolutely insane and stupid when I verbalize it, but it's a constant fight to keep my brain from making up these sorts of arbitrary rules. I don't know if 'neat freak' type OCD folks feel the sense of extreme doom that I get when I resist a compulsion. I haven't discussed my experiences much with other people. Apparently OCD 'runs in my family' but I don't think that's backed up by a diagnosis. I know my family and I have essential tremor, tics and depression. My uncle thought we all had Tourettes but he was an odd ball(very likely autistic) and didn't get taken seriously. I feel like overcoming some of my OCD was a mixed bag. Some of that obsessive, abstract, rules based thinking made me a better engineer. It was also something I could occasionally harness for good, like getting compulsive about brushing my teeth or cleaning.