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> I've learnt that no matter if I'm right or wrong, I should just apologize. It's faster and less painful. I'm genuinely curious if this is a good strategy, re

> I've learnt that no matter if I'm right or wrong, I should just apologize. It's faster and less painful. I'm genuinely curious if this is a good strategy, relationship-wise. I would expect that insincere / dishonest communication would put a limit on intimacy, but maybe that's preferable to frequent arguments?

marshmallow_12 6y ago
if you genuinely haven't done something wrong, chances are she's upset about something else you did.
munchbunny 6y ago
> I'm genuinely curious if this is a good strategy, relationship-wise. Not in the naive "always apologize" sense. That has the risk of creating a dynamic where the apology can't be trusted to be sincere and problems don't actually get addressed. Sure, if you actually did something wrong, by all means apologize. But if it's somewhat of a gray matter, a healthier dynamic would be to establish a baseline, something that is only built over the long term, that whatever happened it wasn't either person's intention to create conflict or upset the other person. That might mean apologizing for triggering something. With a bit of space, ideally both people could talk about what they were thinking or perceiving, understand why the other person behaved the way they did, and come up with ideas for how to prevent the same problem from happening next time. Obviously that only works if both people are well-intended, able to deescalate conflicts, and willing to put in the work. No amount of this would fix fundamental differences or relationship red flags.
NikolaeVarius 6y ago
Its the nature of struggle sessions. No matter what, unless you admit to doing harm, no matter if you did, no one will let you rest until you admit it. I'd like to think the only winning move is to not play, but I dont think modern social media allows that https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Struggle_session https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Struggle_session
- lawnchair_larry 6y ago
  Never do this. They’re playing petty fascist power games and it should not be tolerated.
  - themacguffinman 6y ago
    To be fair, it should be said that not everyone can afford to stand up to this.
orthecreedence 6y ago
> I'm genuinely curious if this is a good strategy, relationship-wise. Probably depends on the relationship. I've found that during a conflict, I'm never 100% articulate or appropriate, so I will apologize for the mistakes I made during the discussion. If after the discussion, both of us agree that I was originally in the wrong, then of course, I'll apologize. But why apologize if you've done nothing wrong? That sets a really bizarre precedent: I'd rather placate someone who disagrees with me than to be able to express myself to a life partner. Why? If this is the person you're in a loving relationship with, why do they need so much protection from your viewpoints? That said, I'm not immune to the equation: (die_on_this_hill_factor / (perceived_anger_of_partner * estimated_kwh_of_ongoing_conflict)) * (personal_energy * previous_perceived_slights_against_me * stress * recent_affirmations_about_topic) If that value is below some threshold, drop it and move on, and depending on the outcome, sure, apologize. But apologizing every single time sounds like someone who wants to live their life wrapped around someone else's pinky.

marshmallow_12 6y ago

if you genuinely haven't done something wrong, chances are she's upset about something else you did.

munchbunny 6y ago

> I'm genuinely curious if this is a good strategy, relationship-wise. Not in the naive "always apologize" sense. That has the risk of creating a dynamic where the apology can't be trusted to be sincere and problems don't actually get addressed. Sure, if you actually did something wrong, by all means apologize. But if it's somewhat of a gray matter, a healthier dynamic would be to establish a baseline, something that is only built over the long term, that whatever happened it wasn't either person's intention to create conflict or upset the other person. That might mean apologizing for triggering something. With a bit of space, ideally both people could talk about what they were thinking or perceiving, understand why the other person behaved the way they did, and come up with ideas for how to prevent the same problem from happening next time. Obviously that only works if both people are well-intended, able to deescalate conflicts, and willing to put in the work. No amount of this would fix fundamental differences or relationship red flags.

NikolaeVarius 6y ago

Its the nature of struggle sessions. No matter what, unless you admit to doing harm, no matter if you did, no one will let you rest until you admit it. I'd like to think the only winning move is to not play, but I dont think modern social media allows that https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Struggle_session https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Struggle_session

lawnchair_larry 6y ago
Never do this. They’re playing petty fascist power games and it should not be tolerated.
- themacguffinman 6y ago
  To be fair, it should be said that not everyone can afford to stand up to this.

orthecreedence 6y ago

> I'm genuinely curious if this is a good strategy, relationship-wise. Probably depends on the relationship. I've found that during a conflict, I'm never 100% articulate or appropriate, so I will apologize for the mistakes I made during the discussion. If after the discussion, both of us agree that I was originally in the wrong, then of course, I'll apologize. But why apologize if you've done nothing wrong? That sets a really bizarre precedent: I'd rather placate someone who disagrees with me than to be able to express myself to a life partner. Why? If this is the person you're in a loving relationship with, why do they need so much protection from your viewpoints? That said, I'm not immune to the equation: (die_on_this_hill_factor / (perceived_anger_of_partner * estimated_kwh_of_ongoing_conflict)) * (personal_energy * previous_perceived_slights_against_me * stress * recent_affirmations_about_topic) If that value is below some threshold, drop it and move on, and depending on the outcome, sure, apologize. But apologizing every single time sounds like someone who wants to live their life wrapped around someone else's pinky.