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The "ring theory" model seems useful! Thanks for that; I'll keep it in mind. In that model, the advice I'm giving is directed to people in the outermost ring a
by throwanem 6y ago
The "ring theory" model seems useful! Thanks for that; I'll keep it in mind.
In that model, the advice I'm giving is directed to people in the outermost ring and maybe also the next-outermost. I'd expect anyone closer to the bereaved to have a more concrete sense of how they actually can help, and to be already doing that or at least trying to figure out how to.
That advice is also directed to people who basically don't have any idea what the hell to do, and feel some internal pressure to do something anyway. I'd assume that someone with a materially similar experience of grief, who has reflected enough on that to have some understanding, wouldn't need telling by me or anyone.
- clairity 6y agooffering vague help doesn't help at all, as others have noted. offering specific help, like "let me take that work project off your hands for the next couple weeks" or even something small like "i can drive your cousin home for you", can alleviate the helpfulness anxiety and provide real help. if you don't know how to help, just say "i'm sorry" and offer a reassuring hug. touch is powerful, especially around strong emotions. if you feel the need to speak further, give them fond memories of their loved one, like "i remember when your mom taught us how to make lamb vindaloo. it was amazing. she was so determined and funny..." try to forget yourself and your own concerns completely for that moment.
- wpietri 6y ago> the advice I'm giving is directed to people in the outermost ring and maybe also the next-outermost Sorry, where exactly did you do that direction? I have read it a couple times and can't find it.
- throwanem 6y agoI didn't state the assumption in my initial comment, and if I had, I wouldn't have been able to put it in terms of the "ring theory" model since I didn't know about that when I wrote the comment. Hence "In that model, [...]" just prior to your excerpt, although I suppose I might've been clearer there too that that was intended as a clarifying statement explicitly framed in the terms of that novel-to-me model.
- wpietri 6y agoOk. My problem with your advice is that it appears to be framed as universal advice, when it turns out you apparently only meant it for a narrow group. It would have been helpful if you had just admitted the error promptly.
- throwanem 6y agoI do generally prefer to give my audience the credit of assuming that each member can and will evaluate for themselves whether anything I'm saying is of value to them. Perhaps there's some error to be found in this assumption, but if so, I have to confess myself unable to recognize it.
- wpietri 6y agoOk. I tried to help. I hope you figure it out eventually.