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>1. Say "I'm so sorry for your loss. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know." I can tell you anecdotally that when I heard this from people a

by serf 6y ago

>1. Say "I'm so sorry for your loss. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know." I can tell you anecdotally that when I heard this from people after the death of my mother, the euphemism -- something i'm pretty sensitive against, anyway -- of 'loss' enraged me. Softening the blow isn't something that a death deserves -- it's important and soft language makes it no easier to deal with the practical realities of a death other than in some psychological sense that it may reduce the cognitive burden of the idea of death.. but that wanders a bit too much into escapism and denial for me. Not only that, but the (almost always) empty gesture of the promise of 'help' -- whatever that ill-defined help may be -- was also offensive. The best sympathies I received were simply things like 'I'm sad that your mother died, she was a great person and I enjoyed my time with her.'. Direct language; she died, and they would rather she hadn't -- Perfect. Here's George Carlin expressing a similar sentiment against euphemism in the face of death[0]. I don't know if he's a great role model or not -- but his ideas and sentiments regarding the topic reflect mine , so I suppose that people like us (irritated by euphemism) aren't as few as one would think. 'You know, people say things like "You know, I lost my father." , "Ahh! He'll turn up! Have you checked the dumpster out back? He likes to take naps back there." ' [0] [0]: https://youtu.be/3PiZSFIVFiU?t=51 https://youtu.be/3PiZSFIVFiU?t=51

throwanem 6y ago
George Carlin was a nonpareil, and I have a friend who's like you and him in this way. But I feel like you, and he, and my friend, are enough in the minority that I'm still going to stick with "loss" in cases where I don't know someone well enough to have a sense of what they might really prefer. About the offer of help I don't know what to say except that it's not empty when I make it. I guess if it would be, don't say it? And I should go back and edit "and mean it" into my earlier comment. That seems like something that should be able to go without saying, but so does "don't insist on yourself at someone else's funeral", and that needed saying so I guess I can't be surprised this does too. It occurs to me also that maybe I should explicitly note that the opportunity to say something like this to the bereaved isn't to be sought out. edit: From 2:06 in the video - > You know what you tell a guy like that who wants to help? "Well fine, why don't you come over this weekend, you can paint the garage! Bring your plunger, the upstairs toilet overflowed and there's shit all over the floor up there. You drive a tractor? Good! That'll come in handy; the north forty needs a lot of attention. Bring your chainsaw and your pickaxe, we're going to put your ass to work." He wants to help? Fuck him, call his bluff. Yeah, I mean, if you're not going to help, don't offer to help. Why do that anyway? If it feels good to think of yourself as the kind of person who offers to help someone who's grieving, doesn't it feel bad to have to think of yourself as the kind of shitheel who goes back on that offer when it counts?

by serf 6y ago

throwanem 6y ago

George Carlin was a nonpareil, and I have a friend who's like you and him in this way. But I feel like you, and he, and my friend, are enough in the minority that I'm still going to stick with "loss" in cases where I don't know someone well enough to have a sense of what they might really prefer. About the offer of help I don't know what to say except that it's not empty when I make it. I guess if it would be, don't say it? And I should go back and edit "and mean it" into my earlier comment. That seems like something that should be able to go without saying, but so does "don't insist on yourself at someone else's funeral", and that needed saying so I guess I can't be surprised this does too. It occurs to me also that maybe I should explicitly note that the opportunity to say something like this to the bereaved isn't to be sought out. edit: From 2:06 in the video - > You know what you tell a guy like that who wants to help? "Well fine, why don't you come over this weekend, you can paint the garage! Bring your plunger, the upstairs toilet overflowed and there's shit all over the floor up there. You drive a tractor? Good! That'll come in handy; the north forty needs a lot of attention. Bring your chainsaw and your pickaxe, we're going to put your ass to work." He wants to help? Fuck him, call his bluff. Yeah, I mean, if you're not going to help, don't offer to help. Why do that anyway? If it feels good to think of yourself as the kind of person who offers to help someone who's grieving, doesn't it feel bad to have to think of yourself as the kind of shitheel who goes back on that offer when it counts?