6 ms·

Next time somebody you know experiences the loss of a loved one, don't say "I’m so sorry for your loss.” Just say nothing, and be there for the longest time, s

Next time somebody you know experiences the loss of a loved one, don't say "I’m so sorry for your loss.” Just say nothing, and be there for the longest time, silent and knowing. The moment will be stronger. You will have been of more assistance.

watwut 6y ago
I lost someone and did not found this to be true. I just did "uhm" when someone said "sorry for loss, because it was painful to say anything else. But, I did appreciated tgat people said it, it did made me feel acknowledged and somehow better. I just could not react to show it.
burnthrow 6y ago
> Just say nothing, and be there for the longest time, silent and knowing. Please don't do this.
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
clcaev 6y ago
What to do depends upon your preexisting relationship, what they may need help with, and what you are able to provide. Usually a close friend of theirs is coordinating care: find that friend and offer to help.
sdoering 6y ago
I feel that there's no silver bullet. Not a 'one size fits all' solution. I found that people acknowledging it with a nod in silence comforting as well as people telling me how they can relate to the loss and pain I felt. It depends on the person, the relationship as well as the person being their vulnerable self. Being real and being in the moment is what I feel made it relatable. And no, it will not make the pain any better. But the interpersonal connection will nonetheless help. It was that way at least for me when my father passed away as well as when my stepdad passed away not so long ago. What I found most disturbing were random strangers giving condolences when they recognized that I was taking about a person having passed away. Think terminating the telecommunications contract.
tomrod 6y ago
Yeah, I'm going with "I'm here for you."
throwanem 6y ago
No, you will not have. This is terrible advice. No one should follow it, including you. You can't be "knowing". Whether you have experience of grief has no bearing at all on whether you can understand someone else's immediate experience of it. You cannot. You would be a fool to imagine you could. There's a lot of foolishness around these days. That doesn't make this kind any less culpable. "The moment" will not "be stronger" for any action you take. It is not your moment. You are no part of it. There's no way you can be. Stop trying to be. You aren't the main character in this movie. You're not even an extra. There is no movie and, in this circumstance, you do not matter. Except as follows: You can either be someone who intrudes on the grief of another with some kind of weird unhelpful behavior that needs to be managed, and whom everyone accordingly sees and remembers to be a jackass. Or you can not be that. If you want to not be the jackass, do this: 1. Say "I'm sorry for your loss. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know." (And mean it. That offer of help is a promise. If you don't mean it, don't make it.) 2. Fade into the background. This actually does help. It helps by not making it necessary for the person who is grieving to interrupt that in order to deal with you somehow. If they need anything from you, they'll ask - after all, you've just invited them to do so. Until then, for pity's sake, leave them be. They already have problems enough without you being another one.
- prmph 6y ago
  This is also terrible advice in a different way. You are correct that nothing you do can really make the pain better. But as someone that recently lost my mom, I can tell for a fact: real, practical help makes a real difference. Common sense things like help with sorting out the affairs of the loved one, cooking meals or shopping for the bereaved person, help with planning a memorial, etc. And you don’t know to do these things by asking: “If there is anything I can do, please let me know...” Especially if you are close to the bereaved person, the about one of the worst things you can say. You usually know about some things you do to help without being a busybody. I took those who said that as being unwilling to provide any help whatsoever.
  - deleted 6y ago
    [deleted]
nbar 6y ago
This is borderline evil. It’s not about a “moment” it’s not about stoic “knowing”. It’s about being selfless.

watwut 6y ago

I lost someone and did not found this to be true. I just did "uhm" when someone said "sorry for loss, because it was painful to say anything else. But, I did appreciated tgat people said it, it did made me feel acknowledged and somehow better. I just could not react to show it.

burnthrow 6y ago

> Just say nothing, and be there for the longest time, silent and knowing. Please don't do this.

deleted 6y ago

[deleted]

clcaev 6y ago

What to do depends upon your preexisting relationship, what they may need help with, and what you are able to provide. Usually a close friend of theirs is coordinating care: find that friend and offer to help.

sdoering 6y ago

I feel that there's no silver bullet. Not a 'one size fits all' solution. I found that people acknowledging it with a nod in silence comforting as well as people telling me how they can relate to the loss and pain I felt. It depends on the person, the relationship as well as the person being their vulnerable self. Being real and being in the moment is what I feel made it relatable. And no, it will not make the pain any better. But the interpersonal connection will nonetheless help. It was that way at least for me when my father passed away as well as when my stepdad passed away not so long ago. What I found most disturbing were random strangers giving condolences when they recognized that I was taking about a person having passed away. Think terminating the telecommunications contract.

tomrod 6y ago

Yeah, I'm going with "I'm here for you."

throwanem 6y ago

No, you will not have. This is terrible advice. No one should follow it, including you. You can't be "knowing". Whether you have experience of grief has no bearing at all on whether you can understand someone else's immediate experience of it. You cannot. You would be a fool to imagine you could. There's a lot of foolishness around these days. That doesn't make this kind any less culpable. "The moment" will not "be stronger" for any action you take. It is not your moment. You are no part of it. There's no way you can be. Stop trying to be. You aren't the main character in this movie. You're not even an extra. There is no movie and, in this circumstance, you do not matter. Except as follows: You can either be someone who intrudes on the grief of another with some kind of weird unhelpful behavior that needs to be managed, and whom everyone accordingly sees and remembers to be a jackass. Or you can not be that. If you want to not be the jackass, do this: 1. Say "I'm sorry for your loss. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know." (And mean it. That offer of help is a promise. If you don't mean it, don't make it.) 2. Fade into the background. This actually does help. It helps by not making it necessary for the person who is grieving to interrupt that in order to deal with you somehow. If they need anything from you, they'll ask - after all, you've just invited them to do so. Until then, for pity's sake, leave them be. They already have problems enough without you being another one.

prmph 6y ago
This is also terrible advice in a different way. You are correct that nothing you do can really make the pain better. But as someone that recently lost my mom, I can tell for a fact: real, practical help makes a real difference. Common sense things like help with sorting out the affairs of the loved one, cooking meals or shopping for the bereaved person, help with planning a memorial, etc. And you don’t know to do these things by asking: “If there is anything I can do, please let me know...” Especially if you are close to the bereaved person, the about one of the worst things you can say. You usually know about some things you do to help without being a busybody. I took those who said that as being unwilling to provide any help whatsoever.
- deleted 6y ago
  [deleted]

nbar 6y ago

This is borderline evil. It’s not about a “moment” it’s not about stoic “knowing”. It’s about being selfless.