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Definitely something that my wife and I struggle with. She's Vietnamese British, I'm Vietnamese American ; both of us current living in the U.S. Despite what ou

Definitely something that my wife and I struggle with. She's Vietnamese British, I'm Vietnamese American ; both of us current living in the U.S. Despite what our training classes recommend, we're co-sleeping with our 17 month year old daughter and it feels more intuitive.

nomdep 6y ago
So - if you don't mind the question, sorry for asking if you do - how/when you have sex?
- steve_adams_86 6y ago
  Not the person you asked but I’ve co-slept three times and have some insights. My answer would be that you do it while the baby sleeps, and you do it less. Otherwise on the odd occasion you’re away from the baby. It’s a drag. Though in my experience I was always so tired, it was generally a lower priority. Others might have had a different experience though.
  - itsmemattchung 6y ago
    > Though in my experience I was always so tired, it was generally a lower priority. This. As new parents, we really have to make it a priority otherwise, in general, we're just constantly exhausted. Raising kids does really require a village.
    - deleted 6y ago
      [deleted]
- dfee 6y ago
  This shouldn’t be downvoted. Indeed, this is something our physician brought up with us as a reason not to let your child join you. The theory goes that children are programmed by nature to prevent more offspring. A sort of incentive here. Looking online there are mixed reviews of whether co sleeping hurt the adult relationship.
  - TomK32 6y ago
    Well, my half-sister is six months older and my sister two months and two weeks younger...
- TomK32 6y ago
  Anytime and anywhere you have a chance to. Be spontaneous and creative. You don't need a bed to have sex in anyways.
- stronglikedan 6y ago
  https://www.amazon.com/portal-migration/bestsellers/baby-products/166831011 https://www.amazon.com/portal-migration/bestsellers/baby-pro...
- easymodex 6y ago
  On the couch usually.
- PebblesRox 6y ago
  Secondary sleep space for the baby (we had a crib mattress on the floor in the living room for naps anyway) or secondary sex space for the parents. A futon in another room does double-duty when the kid is old enough to nap there safely. Middle-of-the-afternoon is a good time. Older kids can be occupied with Legos while the baby naps and the parents sneak off.
- rootusrootus 6y ago
  Isn't that sort of an old joke? Before you have kids, put a jelly bean in a jar every time you have sex. After you have kids, take a jelly bean out of the jar every time. At the end of your life you'll still have jelly beans left... Obviously it varies a lot, and that is just a joke, but man it has been very true for me. My wife had a poor experience growing up, walking in on her mother having sex (they lived in a tiny apartment, so most of the space was shared), and so she has no interest in sex at all if there are children in the house. Anywhere. And it's a 3000sf house, not a tiny apartment. Doesn't help that the kids (8 & 10) routinely choose to sleep in our room rather than their own (they do not sleep in our bed, however, we nixed that after they were a few years old because it was too disruptive to my sleep).
  - throwaway0a5e 6y ago
    Jokes about having less sex after marriage and practically none after kids wouldn't be so universal if they weren't relatable.
  - hycaria 6y ago
    You don't seem very happy about the situation, do you even have a say in your home?
- deleted 6y ago
  [deleted]
- Enginerrrd 6y ago
  My wife and I co-sleep with my two boys, 1 and 3. Our sex life has probably never been better in either frequency or quality. We typically do it in the living room on the couch in the morning before they get up, or same location during their naps, or in my work-from-home office also during naps. Or where-ever we want when we have a baby sitter, although with the pandemic that's pretty rare. I'd say about 75%-80% of our sexual activity is essentially scheduled at least 4-6 hours in advance, sometimes more. This works great for all involved. Occasionally if we miss our window because one of them wakes up early, we just reschedule to the next soonest window. We'll occasionally even stay up late after we put the boys down to makeup a missed session. I also think breaking the habit of only having sex in our bed at a particular time when one or the other kind of vaguely expects it is a big contributor to the improvement in our sex life. Instead we have explicit communication about when and where we're going to have sex. There's still some room to be spontaneous, but it's very limited with kids.
steve_adams_86 6y ago
Here in Canada it’s sometimes discouraged and criticized to co-sleep, too. I was born here and had never even heard of co-sleeping until I was in my mid twenties. I found it pretty intuitive too, but got some flack from people over it. After 3 kids I don’t really care about the criticisms anymore. They stop co-sleeping when they’re ready, and it was as simple as that. I mostly enjoyed it. Sometimes you miss having a bed to yourself though, haha.
- itsmemattchung 6y ago
  > After 3 kids I don’t really care about the criticisms anymore Even after having one kid, I too no longer care about the criticisms. We're all just trying to survive.
- meowster 6y ago
  > but got some flack from people How do they even know you're co-sleeping in the first place?
  - germinalphrase 6y ago
    People are often curious about kids and child raising choices (or at least that has been our experience with our first). It comes up when talking about kids, when people are visiting our home, babysitting, etc.
  - zekrioca 6y ago
    The person probably shared private parenting habits and received such criticism..
    - steve_adams_86 6y ago
      Of course I shared private parenting habits - parents often discuss various approaches to problems or daily life. I didn't share without being prompted, though. I keep most private things to myself in person. If sleeping came up and I mentioned co-sleeping, people were often critical. They think it's bad for the kid, dangerous, unnecessary, what have you. I don't mind the criticism; I think it's helpful to know how people feel and reflect on my own decisions. People are remarkably harsh with their criticisms when it comes to parenting sometimes, but I think this reflects how uncertain, even insecure and anxious people feel about the decisions we need to make as parents. It's fine.
rsync 6y ago
"... we're co-sleeping with our 17 month year old daughter and it feels more intuitive." Good for you. Not only should you do what works and is healthy for your own family but the first two years of your first child is really a magical time. Why not optimize for peace and tranquility ? I will also add that in addition to the western compulsion to kick kids out of the bed there is also a western compulsion that married partners should be sleeping together every night or something is wrong with their marriage. I strongly advise all parents to at least be open minded to the idea that sleeping in different rooms could dramatically improve their sleeping and parenting logistics. YMMV.

nomdep 6y ago

So - if you don't mind the question, sorry for asking if you do - how/when you have sex?

steve_adams_86 6y ago
Not the person you asked but I’ve co-slept three times and have some insights. My answer would be that you do it while the baby sleeps, and you do it less. Otherwise on the odd occasion you’re away from the baby. It’s a drag. Though in my experience I was always so tired, it was generally a lower priority. Others might have had a different experience though.
- itsmemattchung 6y ago
  > Though in my experience I was always so tired, it was generally a lower priority. This. As new parents, we really have to make it a priority otherwise, in general, we're just constantly exhausted. Raising kids does really require a village.
  - deleted 6y ago
    [deleted]
dfee 6y ago
This shouldn’t be downvoted. Indeed, this is something our physician brought up with us as a reason not to let your child join you. The theory goes that children are programmed by nature to prevent more offspring. A sort of incentive here. Looking online there are mixed reviews of whether co sleeping hurt the adult relationship.
- TomK32 6y ago
  Well, my half-sister is six months older and my sister two months and two weeks younger...
TomK32 6y ago
Anytime and anywhere you have a chance to. Be spontaneous and creative. You don't need a bed to have sex in anyways.
stronglikedan 6y ago
https://www.amazon.com/portal-migration/bestsellers/baby-products/166831011 https://www.amazon.com/portal-migration/bestsellers/baby-pro...
easymodex 6y ago
On the couch usually.
PebblesRox 6y ago
Secondary sleep space for the baby (we had a crib mattress on the floor in the living room for naps anyway) or secondary sex space for the parents. A futon in another room does double-duty when the kid is old enough to nap there safely. Middle-of-the-afternoon is a good time. Older kids can be occupied with Legos while the baby naps and the parents sneak off.
rootusrootus 6y ago
Isn't that sort of an old joke? Before you have kids, put a jelly bean in a jar every time you have sex. After you have kids, take a jelly bean out of the jar every time. At the end of your life you'll still have jelly beans left... Obviously it varies a lot, and that is just a joke, but man it has been very true for me. My wife had a poor experience growing up, walking in on her mother having sex (they lived in a tiny apartment, so most of the space was shared), and so she has no interest in sex at all if there are children in the house. Anywhere. And it's a 3000sf house, not a tiny apartment. Doesn't help that the kids (8 & 10) routinely choose to sleep in our room rather than their own (they do not sleep in our bed, however, we nixed that after they were a few years old because it was too disruptive to my sleep).
- throwaway0a5e 6y ago
  Jokes about having less sex after marriage and practically none after kids wouldn't be so universal if they weren't relatable.
- hycaria 6y ago
  You don't seem very happy about the situation, do you even have a say in your home?
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
Enginerrrd 6y ago
My wife and I co-sleep with my two boys, 1 and 3. Our sex life has probably never been better in either frequency or quality. We typically do it in the living room on the couch in the morning before they get up, or same location during their naps, or in my work-from-home office also during naps. Or where-ever we want when we have a baby sitter, although with the pandemic that's pretty rare. I'd say about 75%-80% of our sexual activity is essentially scheduled at least 4-6 hours in advance, sometimes more. This works great for all involved. Occasionally if we miss our window because one of them wakes up early, we just reschedule to the next soonest window. We'll occasionally even stay up late after we put the boys down to makeup a missed session. I also think breaking the habit of only having sex in our bed at a particular time when one or the other kind of vaguely expects it is a big contributor to the improvement in our sex life. Instead we have explicit communication about when and where we're going to have sex. There's still some room to be spontaneous, but it's very limited with kids.

steve_adams_86 6y ago

Here in Canada it’s sometimes discouraged and criticized to co-sleep, too. I was born here and had never even heard of co-sleeping until I was in my mid twenties. I found it pretty intuitive too, but got some flack from people over it. After 3 kids I don’t really care about the criticisms anymore. They stop co-sleeping when they’re ready, and it was as simple as that. I mostly enjoyed it. Sometimes you miss having a bed to yourself though, haha.

itsmemattchung 6y ago
> After 3 kids I don’t really care about the criticisms anymore Even after having one kid, I too no longer care about the criticisms. We're all just trying to survive.
meowster 6y ago
> but got some flack from people How do they even know you're co-sleeping in the first place?
- germinalphrase 6y ago
  People are often curious about kids and child raising choices (or at least that has been our experience with our first). It comes up when talking about kids, when people are visiting our home, babysitting, etc.
- zekrioca 6y ago
  The person probably shared private parenting habits and received such criticism..
  - steve_adams_86 6y ago
    Of course I shared private parenting habits - parents often discuss various approaches to problems or daily life. I didn't share without being prompted, though. I keep most private things to myself in person. If sleeping came up and I mentioned co-sleeping, people were often critical. They think it's bad for the kid, dangerous, unnecessary, what have you. I don't mind the criticism; I think it's helpful to know how people feel and reflect on my own decisions. People are remarkably harsh with their criticisms when it comes to parenting sometimes, but I think this reflects how uncertain, even insecure and anxious people feel about the decisions we need to make as parents. It's fine.

rsync 6y ago

"... we're co-sleeping with our 17 month year old daughter and it feels more intuitive." Good for you. Not only should you do what works and is healthy for your own family but the first two years of your first child is really a magical time. Why not optimize for peace and tranquility ? I will also add that in addition to the western compulsion to kick kids out of the bed there is also a western compulsion that married partners should be sleeping together every night or something is wrong with their marriage. I strongly advise all parents to at least be open minded to the idea that sleeping in different rooms could dramatically improve their sleeping and parenting logistics. YMMV.