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I gotta say, women losing their names when they get married is a pretty backwards practice. My wife is not my sister, nor my property, why should she take my na
by armandososa 6y ago
I gotta say, women losing their names when they get married is a pretty backwards practice. My wife is not my sister, nor my property, why should she take my name and lose her identity?
- jandrese 6y agoIt's not great, but the alternatives aren't much better. Hyphenated last names don't scale and are awkward to begin with. Having the man take her last name has all of the same problems. Coming up with a completely new family name is more fair but also more work. Marrying only people with the same family name is too incestual.
- Jweb_Guru 6y agoHaving children take one name or the other does not require changing one's own name.
- jandrese 6y agoHaving different last names comes with its own problems. One of which will be people asking you when you're going to be married. The other is forms that assume married couples have the same last name. There's that awkward moment where the announcer goes "Mr. and Mrs... Uh. <both their names>"
- swaits 6y agoBeing married to a woman with her own last name, and a stepdaughter with her own last name, I can tell you that none of what you describe is really a problem. In fact, it’s worked well enough for us that if we were to have another child we’d consider giving him or her a different last name again instead of picking one of the three we already have.
- cmrdporcupine 6y agoIndeed we haven't run into many problems. Maybe an annoyance now and then such as a relative (usually one of hers, ironically) that assumes she has my last name and sends cards or letters to Mrs XXX. In fact some of them know she kept her maiden name but are conservative enough to find this somehow offensive enough that they give her my last name. (Again, weird, what's wrong with the last name she shares with them.) (The only reason we sometimes wish she'd change her name is that hers is extremely common, and so she's constantly getting mixups with other people with the same name and has to sign things every time we buy a house or get a loan, etc. to say she isn't that other XXX YYY that has the bad credit rating or outstanding loan or criminal record, etc.)
- michaericalribo 6y agoWow! I'd argue it's offensive—or at least quite rude—to willfully ignore someone's name. What gives someone else the right to determine what's best for me? How patronizing!
- cmrdporcupine 6y agoYep. And her own father was a bit put off by her choice. Weird, as its his own name she's keeping. Okay, well, probably the name of a slaveholding ancestor in the south, actually, but I doubt that factors into any of his thoughts. What's weird is these are people with generally left-wing political views, and socially liberal on most things. But on women's issues, pretty backwards. It weirds me out.
- michaericalribo 6y agoI'll admit that I consider myself "generally left-wing...and social liberally", and it was a real cognitive disconnect when my wife didn't want to take my name...It's such an ingrained tradition, so it required serious self-reflection to get to the bottom of my own reaction.
- michaericalribo 6y agoFrankly, why would I care if it confuses someone else? My spouse and I don't make important decisions vis-a-vis our relationship, on the basis of other people's convenience. The "problems" you describe are just...nonexistent, and really not a big deal. I have literally never encountered confusion about our marital status, problems with forms, or difficulty being introduced.
- M277 6y agoWhat's wrong with the wife not changing her last name? Why does there have to be change? Islam does it, and there are no issues at all.
- zamadatix 6y agoNothing "wrong" with it and there aren't any "issues" in that you won't drop to the ground scratching your head on what to do in a certain situation if you don't change your name. That doesn't mean there aren't advantages to normalizing last names in a household though. I'm currently engaged and plan on taking her last name after the wedding. Life would go on very large the same way if I didn't the same way it will if I do. The whole problem is overblown.
- bipson 6y agoThere are several issues in real life if you live in a society where it is the norm. The very least when you have kids and their teachers or any official you encounter assume that the parents have the same name as the kids. (This can't be your kid!) We know a couple where she had hyphenated surnames. Almost always confused the officials, colleagues and friends when they lived in Switzerland. We decided against my wife not changing her name, since it was not worth the troubles.
- M277 6y agoOh, yes, I understand now. The original post was talking about changing surnames in general so I thought that it was criticising the norm, and my reply was in similar fashion - "why does the norm exist?" Should have clarified, sorry. It [not changing names] really wouldn't work out well if it wasn't the norm in place as you say, there are plenty of issues that could happen.
- michaericalribo 6y agoLikewise, women in China typically / often do not take their husband's name.
- thaumasiotes 6y ago
- recursive 6y ago> why should she take my name and lose her identity? You should probably ask her. No one is forced to change their name, but some do.
- adamredwoods 6y agoI told my wife she did not have to change her name, but she chose to because she wanted to feel part of a family, and enjoyed a new identity.
- undefined1 6y agono one has to do that. whether you want to share a last name is a discussion for you and your wife. if you decide to, it can be hers, yours, a combination, or even a made up name that you both like.
- rossdavidh 6y agoWell, given that it is entirely optional and plenty of women choose one and plenty of women choose the other, I don't think it's something we need to call "backwards", if a woman chooses to do it (as plenty of women still do).
- cat199 6y agoclearly the women choosing to do this are simply not 'woke' enough, and OP knows better, obviously
- thaumasiotes 6y ago> I gotta say, women losing their names when they get married is a pretty backwards practice. The traditional practice as I learned it doesn't involve this. Instead, where boys are given three names at birth, girls are given two in the expectation that they will one day marry. Then, when Susan Floyd marries John Robert Sinclair, she becomes Susan Floyd Sinclair. Compare Mary Ann Maxwell marrying William Henry Gates to become Mary Maxwell Gates.