It sounds like you are deeply unhappy and have been so for a very long time. The fact that you are having disturbing thoughts, fantasies and emotions may have

It sounds like you are deeply unhappy and have been so for a very long time. The fact that you are having disturbing thoughts, fantasies and emotions may have more to do with your unhappiness than who you are as a person. It may even be that they only reflect a fear that you will never give yourself the chance to explore who you could become. Something which was hard for me, personally, was reaching 30 and realizing that the world was a much bigger place than the one I formed my goals in while growing up. What you do in the next 7-9 years is up to you. It may be that it's easier for you to give yourself some time away from the world of making money. It may be that it's easier for you to not make such a big change and instead take on a lower-responsibility role. It may be that you need to spend ten years touring the Himalayas before returning home to become the next Steve Jobs. It may be that you manage to push on through your current misery and realize you were always born to be a multi-billionaire like Larry@oracle. It may be that you need to fall in love with a cute girl and/or boy. It may be that joining the army and training to be a medic is your thing. It may be that you need to go to India and meet your Guru. It may be that you need to join the FBI and fight organized crime. It could be anything because it's different for everyone. The hardest part is having to learn how to be free without any examples we can trust but our own.