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> Most interactions are ego-based because people aren’t as self-aware as they could be. Sad, but I have to agree. Self awareness is something people develop as

> Most interactions are ego-based because people aren’t as self-aware as they could be. Sad, but I have to agree. Self awareness is something people develop as a natural part of maturity. It is not a skill children have. For example play a board game or card game with children and realize they never know when it’s their turn to play despite watching the game, numerous reminders, and recitation of the rules. They are not self aware. That portion of the brain has not developed yet. It is frustrating to encounter adults lacking of self awareness where a commonly expected skill of fully functional adulthood is absent. In some cases that can be due to wide spectrum disorders like autism but is more generally due to immaturity, the absence of expected normal development. Another queue into this is a false expectation of soft skills. That doesn’t mean being soft or kind. Soft skills are perceptual skills associated is active listening and empathy, which sometimes requires being a mean asshole. People with a lack of self awareness tend to have a lot of challenge in this area. They are not the center of the universe, sometimes fail horribly and embarrassingly, and demand harsh unpleasant words. For people lacking of self awareness the harsh reality of corrective communication is likely poorly accepted as they either continue to fail or suffer emotional trauma.

faeriechangling 6y ago
Well this was a very pleasant post to read as an autistic person. I can appearantly just have a lack of self awareness completely out of my control and this is embarassing, and demands harsh unpleasant words, even though this approach is likely to fail and inflict emotional trauma on me. "Empathy" after a social faux pas to me is kind of like a blameless post mortem. Blunt yet unjudgemental with a call to action and some discussion of what went right. Perhaps your words are so likely to fail because because you're taking the wrong approach?
- loopz 6y ago
  This is more directed to those who tend to lead in every social situation. You might be perceived more favourably than you feel yourself. Try asking people for feedback on your approach. The environment is infinitely more powerful in most normal cases.
- austincheney 6y ago
  Usually a person with good empathy can pick up on social spectral disorders after some time and factor for this in their communications capabilities. This is often not a hard barrier. The problematic people are those that cannot self reflect AND are incapable of realizing the nature of their dilemma. The problem is present when a situation demands harsh words and the troubled person is utterly incapable of receiving that communication. > Perhaps your words are so likely to fail because because you're taking the wrong approach? If a person commits to an action that is potentially harmful they must be halted and corrected even at cost of some minor embarrassment. If that person then attempts that harmful action again they should be severely counseled. The harshness of the words should reflect the severity of the failure. Empathy doesn’t mean agreement or kindness which are akin to sympathy.
  - Person5478 6y ago
    > Usually a person with good empathy can pick up on social spectral disorders after some time and factor for this in their communications capabilities. This is often not a hard barrier. There is no such thing as a perfect person who can do these things perfectly. There is such a thing as an imperfect person who BELIEVES they can. It takes two to tango, and it takes a minimum of two to communicate. Just this morning I had a quick discussion with a woman who asked me a question. When I responded with an explanation she realized I misunderstood (her question was meant to clarify an earlier statement of mine) and clarified, at which point I realized I read it more negatively than she intended. I acknowledged it and we both moved on. Neither of us is super awesome or sucks, we're just two people trying to get through the day. We get along relatively well and this interaction neither diminishes nor exemplifies either of us. It's simply the human condition. Acting as if you, by yourself, can be the sole arbiter of good, successful communication, is exactly why people often hate "people managers". > If a person commits to an action that is potentially harmful they must be halted and corrected even at cost of some minor embarrassment. If that person then attempts that harmful action again they should be severely counseled. The harshness of the words should reflect the severity of the failure. Empathy doesn’t mean agreement or kindness which are akin to sympathy. I don't agree with this either. The big secret people don't want to acknowledge in terms of "people skills" is that if you can't get along with people who are significantly different than you, you don't actually have great people skills. It's easy to get along with people like yourself. Time and time again I've seen a "people person" complain about someone else not having people skills and being difficult to work with. What managers in particular need to understand is that they work with people all day, which is malleable. You can walk into a room and get what you want through sheer charisma and willpower. But Engineers work with reality. No amount of charisma and willpower will fix that bug, or keep that bridge from collapsing. The result of this is a fundamental difference in values and worldview. The good managers recognize this and don't mentally accuse an engineer of being on the spectrum (and treating them differently as a result) and/or being difficult to work with because they don't appreciate their charisma over reality. The real "secret" is to simply accept people for who they are. If that Engineer doesn't appreciate your charisma as much as you think they should, accept that they're trying to do a good job in their world and don't hold them in a negative light as a result. And don't try to manipulate them either, acceptance is not manipulation. As for your specific example, calling people out in front of others is exactly what you DO NOT do. The better approach is to let it be unless it's bad enough that it needs to be dealt with. I say this because it allows the other person to approach the offender themselves. If you're REALLY worried about it, talk to the person it happened to and see how they feel. encourage them to approach the offender. If they're not the personality type to do that (dislikes confrontation) THEN perhaps you can facilitate that conversation. In my 24 years in this industry I've only ever had a single person who did not apologize profusely when approached by me about something they said or how they were acting towards me. The typical response is roughly "I'm sorry, here's what I meant or what I was trying to do". People don't set out to hurt others feelings. Oftentimes it's an accident because they're valuing something else, or they're in the heat of the moment. Communicate with them and allow them to communicate and you can often times create a better environment for everyone. But calling them out in front of everyone? Not a good idea.

faeriechangling 6y ago

Well this was a very pleasant post to read as an autistic person. I can appearantly just have a lack of self awareness completely out of my control and this is embarassing, and demands harsh unpleasant words, even though this approach is likely to fail and inflict emotional trauma on me. "Empathy" after a social faux pas to me is kind of like a blameless post mortem. Blunt yet unjudgemental with a call to action and some discussion of what went right. Perhaps your words are so likely to fail because because you're taking the wrong approach?

loopz 6y ago
This is more directed to those who tend to lead in every social situation. You might be perceived more favourably than you feel yourself. Try asking people for feedback on your approach. The environment is infinitely more powerful in most normal cases.
austincheney 6y ago
Usually a person with good empathy can pick up on social spectral disorders after some time and factor for this in their communications capabilities. This is often not a hard barrier. The problematic people are those that cannot self reflect AND are incapable of realizing the nature of their dilemma. The problem is present when a situation demands harsh words and the troubled person is utterly incapable of receiving that communication. > Perhaps your words are so likely to fail because because you're taking the wrong approach? If a person commits to an action that is potentially harmful they must be halted and corrected even at cost of some minor embarrassment. If that person then attempts that harmful action again they should be severely counseled. The harshness of the words should reflect the severity of the failure. Empathy doesn’t mean agreement or kindness which are akin to sympathy.
- Person5478 6y ago
  > Usually a person with good empathy can pick up on social spectral disorders after some time and factor for this in their communications capabilities. This is often not a hard barrier. There is no such thing as a perfect person who can do these things perfectly. There is such a thing as an imperfect person who BELIEVES they can. It takes two to tango, and it takes a minimum of two to communicate. Just this morning I had a quick discussion with a woman who asked me a question. When I responded with an explanation she realized I misunderstood (her question was meant to clarify an earlier statement of mine) and clarified, at which point I realized I read it more negatively than she intended. I acknowledged it and we both moved on. Neither of us is super awesome or sucks, we're just two people trying to get through the day. We get along relatively well and this interaction neither diminishes nor exemplifies either of us. It's simply the human condition. Acting as if you, by yourself, can be the sole arbiter of good, successful communication, is exactly why people often hate "people managers". > If a person commits to an action that is potentially harmful they must be halted and corrected even at cost of some minor embarrassment. If that person then attempts that harmful action again they should be severely counseled. The harshness of the words should reflect the severity of the failure. Empathy doesn’t mean agreement or kindness which are akin to sympathy. I don't agree with this either. The big secret people don't want to acknowledge in terms of "people skills" is that if you can't get along with people who are significantly different than you, you don't actually have great people skills. It's easy to get along with people like yourself. Time and time again I've seen a "people person" complain about someone else not having people skills and being difficult to work with. What managers in particular need to understand is that they work with people all day, which is malleable. You can walk into a room and get what you want through sheer charisma and willpower. But Engineers work with reality. No amount of charisma and willpower will fix that bug, or keep that bridge from collapsing. The result of this is a fundamental difference in values and worldview. The good managers recognize this and don't mentally accuse an engineer of being on the spectrum (and treating them differently as a result) and/or being difficult to work with because they don't appreciate their charisma over reality. The real "secret" is to simply accept people for who they are. If that Engineer doesn't appreciate your charisma as much as you think they should, accept that they're trying to do a good job in their world and don't hold them in a negative light as a result. And don't try to manipulate them either, acceptance is not manipulation. As for your specific example, calling people out in front of others is exactly what you DO NOT do. The better approach is to let it be unless it's bad enough that it needs to be dealt with. I say this because it allows the other person to approach the offender themselves. If you're REALLY worried about it, talk to the person it happened to and see how they feel. encourage them to approach the offender. If they're not the personality type to do that (dislikes confrontation) THEN perhaps you can facilitate that conversation. In my 24 years in this industry I've only ever had a single person who did not apologize profusely when approached by me about something they said or how they were acting towards me. The typical response is roughly "I'm sorry, here's what I meant or what I was trying to do". People don't set out to hurt others feelings. Oftentimes it's an accident because they're valuing something else, or they're in the heat of the moment. Communicate with them and allow them to communicate and you can often times create a better environment for everyone. But calling them out in front of everyone? Not a good idea.