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> You can't ask people who aren't close directly why they aren't close, but maybe family members / non-work friends. Yes! I've done exactly this, and the resul

• stocknoob 6y ago
  Ah, don't get sad -- you seem aware enough to recognize the problem. Just a few thoughts: * These connections are easier when you're in your 20s, single, have time to kill. The company culture may encourage/discourage this too. * If you're a developer, you may be among a less-extroverted cohort, and have to make efforts to reach out vs. being reached-out-to. * These are the hard-to-teach-explicitly items, but is every interaction with coworkers purely about the project? Hobbies, shared interests, movies they've seen, games they play, trips they've done/are going to do, etc.? With a (non-work) shared interest it's hard not to have casual conversations that build a work repoire over time. * There are intangible social signals about willingness to connect (person is overly polite/formal/rigid, facial expressions/body language, warmth of tone and language, etc.). Basically when you sit down next to someone on an airplane, you can tell if they want to chat without having to ask them. Being actively disliked is rarely the issue. You don't dislike the cashier at the grocery store, but the relationship is purely transactional, we can be friendly but let's just get this over with. For some reason, your coworkers may see things this way.