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Since the pandemic started, my interactions with strangers of the opposite sex have been quite curtailed. Last week a vague acquaintance in my condo complex, 35

Since the pandemic started, my interactions with strangers of the opposite sex have been quite curtailed. Last week a vague acquaintance in my condo complex, 35 years my senior, stopped me and spent a good 30 seconds telling me how blue my eyes looked, and musing on how my outfit made them stand out especially. On the one hand, this is weirdly objectifying, and I kind of wish she had the slightest interest in who I am as a person - she’s one of those archetypal condo neighbors who mostly just goes around complaining about people. But on the other hand, I had the distinct thought, “Hot dang, Daniel. You’ve still got it.” This thought was steeped in irony, but at its kernel, there’s a stark emotional reality there. I’m even tolerably well adjusted. Positive attention from strangers is a singularly terrible thing to hinge your wellbeing on, but man. It sure feels nice. I would comment that many men seem use sex with women as a form of self esteem boosting. Like, if I fuck enough women, the emotional void inside of me will finally fill and I’ll know I’m worthy. Women do the attention seeking stuff more overtly, and they’re encouraged and allowed to display themselves as objects. men have a pretty similar set of emotional drives, just have different avenues for acting them out.

kergonath 6y ago
Nice story (first paragraph; third paragraph rings all too true). I don't think being told you have beautiful eyes is necessarily objectifying, though.
- Cthulhu_ 6y ago
  Objectification is where you disregard all aspects of a person in favor of what they look like; the word literally means treating a person like an object. Think posters of swimsuit models on the walls. Anyway like another person in this thread mentioned, while it's shit, at the same time it feels nice to get complimented on a feature of yours, especially if it's a novel experience. I've never felt like I was particularly attractive, because I got zero feedback on my appearance during my formative years - good OR bad. But I'm in my mid thirties now and my girlfriend has the hots for me, so that's nice :D.
  - kergonath 6y ago
    > Objectification is where you disregard all aspects of a person in favor of what they look like I know the context is largely missing, and I am obviously not telling the OP what they should think in a specific circumstance. But as you say, objectifying is when an individual is seen only through the prism of a stereotype (though I don’t think it’s necessarily physical, but that’s another story). We tend to get very defensive because we reject others’ judgement (and crave validation at the same time; we’re nothing if not contradictory), but a compliment every now and then is not necessary wrong. And I know what objectification means ;) I recognise myself in the rest of your post, it’s uncanny. Are you me?
donquichotte 6y ago
> Positive attention from strangers is a singularly terrible thing to hinge your wellbeing on, but man. It sure feels nice. The addictivity of facebook/youtube/instagram/hackernews upvotes condensed in a single sentence, great insight!
ddog78 6y ago
This is so interesting. I had a similar experience like what you described. A friend of mine drunk dialed me when she was partying with her girlfriends, telling me that her friend thought I was cute. It felt weird - that she was sharing photos of me with her friends - and a bit objectifying too. But yeah, I had the same thought as you. It felt nice. Also, your writing style is amazing. If you ever write a blog or a book, I would give it a try just on the basis of how well you articulate thoughts.
blaser-waffle 6y ago
> I would comment that many men seem use sex with women as a form of self esteem boosting. Like, if I fuck enough women, the emotional void inside of me will finally fill and I’ll know I’m worthy. Women do the attention seeking stuff more overtly, and they’re encouraged and allowed to display themselves as objects. men have a pretty similar set of emotional drives, just have different avenues for acting them out. In the absence of a demonstrably testable and provable God (or Gods, or religion) the only real success is genetic success -- that's the way of things for 99% of the living critters on the planet. Getting laid a lot means breeding a lot means genetic success. Kinda like money: having it is no promise of happiness, but not getting any will make you miserable. To the parent thread: bartended a bit after getting out of the Marines. Now currently a fat beardly linux type. Night and day in terms of how people, of all genders and orientations, treat you when you're fit, clean cut, and dressed well.
- kridsdale1 6y ago
  Thanks to you I'm now going to imagine all Linux Greybeards are former hot bartenders.

kergonath 6y ago

Nice story (first paragraph; third paragraph rings all too true). I don't think being told you have beautiful eyes is necessarily objectifying, though.

Cthulhu_ 6y ago
Objectification is where you disregard all aspects of a person in favor of what they look like; the word literally means treating a person like an object. Think posters of swimsuit models on the walls. Anyway like another person in this thread mentioned, while it's shit, at the same time it feels nice to get complimented on a feature of yours, especially if it's a novel experience. I've never felt like I was particularly attractive, because I got zero feedback on my appearance during my formative years - good OR bad. But I'm in my mid thirties now and my girlfriend has the hots for me, so that's nice :D.
- kergonath 6y ago
  > Objectification is where you disregard all aspects of a person in favor of what they look like I know the context is largely missing, and I am obviously not telling the OP what they should think in a specific circumstance. But as you say, objectifying is when an individual is seen only through the prism of a stereotype (though I don’t think it’s necessarily physical, but that’s another story). We tend to get very defensive because we reject others’ judgement (and crave validation at the same time; we’re nothing if not contradictory), but a compliment every now and then is not necessary wrong. And I know what objectification means ;) I recognise myself in the rest of your post, it’s uncanny. Are you me?

donquichotte 6y ago

> Positive attention from strangers is a singularly terrible thing to hinge your wellbeing on, but man. It sure feels nice. The addictivity of facebook/youtube/instagram/hackernews upvotes condensed in a single sentence, great insight!

ddog78 6y ago

This is so interesting. I had a similar experience like what you described. A friend of mine drunk dialed me when she was partying with her girlfriends, telling me that her friend thought I was cute. It felt weird - that she was sharing photos of me with her friends - and a bit objectifying too. But yeah, I had the same thought as you. It felt nice. Also, your writing style is amazing. If you ever write a blog or a book, I would give it a try just on the basis of how well you articulate thoughts.

blaser-waffle 6y ago

> I would comment that many men seem use sex with women as a form of self esteem boosting. Like, if I fuck enough women, the emotional void inside of me will finally fill and I’ll know I’m worthy. Women do the attention seeking stuff more overtly, and they’re encouraged and allowed to display themselves as objects. men have a pretty similar set of emotional drives, just have different avenues for acting them out. In the absence of a demonstrably testable and provable God (or Gods, or religion) the only real success is genetic success -- that's the way of things for 99% of the living critters on the planet. Getting laid a lot means breeding a lot means genetic success. Kinda like money: having it is no promise of happiness, but not getting any will make you miserable. To the parent thread: bartended a bit after getting out of the Marines. Now currently a fat beardly linux type. Night and day in terms of how people, of all genders and orientations, treat you when you're fit, clean cut, and dressed well.

kridsdale1 6y ago
Thanks to you I'm now going to imagine all Linux Greybeards are former hot bartenders.