8 ms·

It is a healthy end, if the couple wasn't right from the beginning or if they became different people. It's unfair to expect two humans to remain compatible th

It is a healthy end, if the couple wasn't right from the beginning or if they became different people. It's unfair to expect two humans to remain compatible their entire lives. We evolve massively. A person i would have married at 18 is not the same i'd marry now. Which isn't to say that difficulty should be met with break ups. Rather, it's to say that some marriages should end. Both parties would be better off. Other marriages would be better served to have problems met, worked through, and the couple made stronger as a result. It is a healthy end. If it's a bad marriage.

citizenkeen 6y ago
Exactly. Divorce can be a healthy end to an unhealthy relationship. Can be. But if you're divorcing, you're already at an unhealthy state.
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Amezarak 6y ago
Marriage is about growing and adapting with the other person. "We changed" as a reason for the end of a marriage is an admission of failure to work at the relationship over its course. Of course you changed. The whole point is to grow and change together, until you die. People don't just become incompatible. Something went badly wrong for that to happen. It's increasingly common nowadays - nuclear families tend to be more atomized, rather than integrated into an extended family, which increases the stress on the relationship, and many people simply don't prioritize their marriage, but instead their career, kids, or lifestyle. And of course, the modern social environment is more full of distractions and temptations than ever.
- catlifeonmars 6y ago
  If the assumption is that the only source of change is internal to the relationship, sure. There are many sources of change that are external to two partners in a marriage, it’s not unreasonable to think one person may diverge from another to the point where a having a healthy, close, intimate relationship is unhealthy.
  - Amezarak 6y ago
    It is precisely my point that these 'external' sources of change are nowadays one of the main problems and entirely foreseeable in advance. For example, if one or both of them prioritize their careers over their marriage, and spend no more than an hour or two a day even in the other's presence, let alone quality time, for years on end, because they're busy at work or with something else...it's entirely predictable that they grow apart. That was the failure. They chose economics or the corporate ladder or an app that's changing the world or...over their marriage.
- adkadskhj 6y ago
  > The whole point is to grow and change together, until you die. To you. But not so for many people, i imagine. I think the rate of divorce in America would suggest otherwise. Not to say that those are all healthy individuals, but that description sounds like a very religious-centric outlook on an often secular behavior. In this framing, i'd argue that the liability of marriage should be thought of as "until death", but still. Sometimes the person you become is not something to be accepted nor desired by your loved ones. So who is to blame? Do you change who you are? Or does your loved one change what they love? Sometimes both are unfair questions.

citizenkeen 6y ago

Exactly. Divorce can be a healthy end to an unhealthy relationship. Can be. But if you're divorcing, you're already at an unhealthy state.

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Amezarak 6y ago

Marriage is about growing and adapting with the other person. "We changed" as a reason for the end of a marriage is an admission of failure to work at the relationship over its course. Of course you changed. The whole point is to grow and change together, until you die. People don't just become incompatible. Something went badly wrong for that to happen. It's increasingly common nowadays - nuclear families tend to be more atomized, rather than integrated into an extended family, which increases the stress on the relationship, and many people simply don't prioritize their marriage, but instead their career, kids, or lifestyle. And of course, the modern social environment is more full of distractions and temptations than ever.

catlifeonmars 6y ago
If the assumption is that the only source of change is internal to the relationship, sure. There are many sources of change that are external to two partners in a marriage, it’s not unreasonable to think one person may diverge from another to the point where a having a healthy, close, intimate relationship is unhealthy.
- Amezarak 6y ago
  It is precisely my point that these 'external' sources of change are nowadays one of the main problems and entirely foreseeable in advance. For example, if one or both of them prioritize their careers over their marriage, and spend no more than an hour or two a day even in the other's presence, let alone quality time, for years on end, because they're busy at work or with something else...it's entirely predictable that they grow apart. That was the failure. They chose economics or the corporate ladder or an app that's changing the world or...over their marriage.
adkadskhj 6y ago
> The whole point is to grow and change together, until you die. To you. But not so for many people, i imagine. I think the rate of divorce in America would suggest otherwise. Not to say that those are all healthy individuals, but that description sounds like a very religious-centric outlook on an often secular behavior. In this framing, i'd argue that the liability of marriage should be thought of as "until death", but still. Sometimes the person you become is not something to be accepted nor desired by your loved ones. So who is to blame? Do you change who you are? Or does your loved one change what they love? Sometimes both are unfair questions.