5 ms·

I'm not sure exactly what you're hinting at, but I think you should take a cold, hard look at yourself and the expectations you place on your potential partners

I'm not sure exactly what you're hinting at, but I think you should take a cold, hard look at yourself and the expectations you place on your potential partners. Do you imagine them as actual human beings with their own thoughts, aspirations, preferences, goals? What does such a person have to gain (emotionally / socially) by choosing YOU in particular for a partner? In all relationships, romantic or not, personality is everything. Do you try to be a positive person, or do you complain every time something doesn't go your way? An attractive personality and some self-confidence can go a long way in making you attractive to others, even if you haven't been particularly advantaged by your genes. If you're talking about the dynamics around bars, hookups, and dating apps, you know that's not the only way to meet people, right? I think some of the strongest relationships come out of shared interest in a hobby / skill / career. Join hobby groups etc (not with the intention of finding a partner -- that will be weird and creepy -- but remain open to the idea that you might bump into someone along the way that really aligns with you)

cryptica 6y ago
This is complete BS. In our unequal society, some people have 100s of potential partners waiting in line for them while for others, they will never get a single chance in their entire lifetimes. Same with career opportunities. Either you're rich and have more opportunities every single day than you can possibly fathom or you don't have a single good opportunity in your entire lifetime. What's more tragic about it is that it has increasingly little to do with merit or hard work and increasingly more to do with dumb luck. It's all social networking; but that's totally random. People are only selecting friends and partners based on capital these days, not based on any other meaningful characteristic. People are just appendages to the capital... Capital is the agent. People are replaceable. You can thank the reserve banks for that.
- blt 6y ago
  Your statements are extreme. There may be some subcultures and bits of society that behave like this, but it is far from universal. Please take a break from your current forums/podcasts/youtube/etc.
  - cryptica 6y ago
    What I'm saying is based on first hand experience not being sedated by video games and other mindless entertainment which normally serves as a cheap substitute to real meaningful life experiences which seem to have vanished from most regular people's lives. An unfathomable number of people alive today have totally pointless lives because all the good stuff has been taken out and substituted with cheap thrills. It's no coincidence that rich people have many friends and experience a lot of positive emotions in their lives. I guarantee you that poor people experience very few positive emotions and they don't have a choice. The glass ceiling is unbreakable.
  - bordercases 6y ago
    > Please take a break from your current forums/podcasts/youtube/etc. This is pretty condescending!
thaumasiotes 6y ago
Your advice on how to find a partner is "join hobby groups, but not with the intention of finding a partner"?
- benrbray 6y ago
  I think people who use dating apps tend to focus on superficial features like physical attractiveness or (the appearance of) wealth / status. People will judge you based on their first impression, rather than taking time to know you more deeply as a person. So, I think for someone who doesn't want to play "the dating game", yes, an effective dating strategy is to accept that they won't be able to easily find a partner in the short-term. Instead, a strategy of self-improvement combined with leading a more social life (via hobby groups etc) in which one regularly meets new people is a great way for them to eventually bump into someone they vibe with really well. I think many people who are desperate for a partner are also unhappy in other aspects of their life -- joining non-romantic social groups centered around a common interest is a great cure for loneliness, until the right person comes along.
- blt 6y ago
  I think the advice is more like "build a circle of good, like-minded friends." A hobby group can help with that. There is no quick fix.
qPM9l3XJrF 6y ago
The share of young men not having sex has tripled in the past decade: https://twitter.com/_cingraham/status/1111607604348805120 https://twitter.com/_cingraham/status/1111607604348805120 What do you think accounts for this change? Seems pretty plausible to me that it has something to do with technology. Perhaps it has something to do with dating apps, perhaps young men are substituting porn for real intimacy, perhaps some combination. Either way, doesn't seem like a good change. And by the pigeonhole principle, if more women are having sex than men, it must be the case that some men are sleeping with multiple women (modulo homosexuality and young women sleeping with older guys). (I don't think "you just need to be a better partner" moralizing has much explanatory power, it's a lecture that can be delivered in any time or place to any gender and doesn't speak to underlying trends.)
- deleted 6y ago
  [deleted]
- lovecg 6y ago
  Could the explanation be as simple as the economy? Younger people are less likely to have a career and more likely to live with their parents since 2008, both of these are not known to be turn-ons.

cryptica 6y ago

This is complete BS. In our unequal society, some people have 100s of potential partners waiting in line for them while for others, they will never get a single chance in their entire lifetimes. Same with career opportunities. Either you're rich and have more opportunities every single day than you can possibly fathom or you don't have a single good opportunity in your entire lifetime. What's more tragic about it is that it has increasingly little to do with merit or hard work and increasingly more to do with dumb luck. It's all social networking; but that's totally random. People are only selecting friends and partners based on capital these days, not based on any other meaningful characteristic. People are just appendages to the capital... Capital is the agent. People are replaceable. You can thank the reserve banks for that.

blt 6y ago
Your statements are extreme. There may be some subcultures and bits of society that behave like this, but it is far from universal. Please take a break from your current forums/podcasts/youtube/etc.
- cryptica 6y ago
  What I'm saying is based on first hand experience not being sedated by video games and other mindless entertainment which normally serves as a cheap substitute to real meaningful life experiences which seem to have vanished from most regular people's lives. An unfathomable number of people alive today have totally pointless lives because all the good stuff has been taken out and substituted with cheap thrills. It's no coincidence that rich people have many friends and experience a lot of positive emotions in their lives. I guarantee you that poor people experience very few positive emotions and they don't have a choice. The glass ceiling is unbreakable.
- bordercases 6y ago
  > Please take a break from your current forums/podcasts/youtube/etc. This is pretty condescending!

thaumasiotes 6y ago

Your advice on how to find a partner is "join hobby groups, but not with the intention of finding a partner"?

benrbray 6y ago
I think people who use dating apps tend to focus on superficial features like physical attractiveness or (the appearance of) wealth / status. People will judge you based on their first impression, rather than taking time to know you more deeply as a person. So, I think for someone who doesn't want to play "the dating game", yes, an effective dating strategy is to accept that they won't be able to easily find a partner in the short-term. Instead, a strategy of self-improvement combined with leading a more social life (via hobby groups etc) in which one regularly meets new people is a great way for them to eventually bump into someone they vibe with really well. I think many people who are desperate for a partner are also unhappy in other aspects of their life -- joining non-romantic social groups centered around a common interest is a great cure for loneliness, until the right person comes along.
blt 6y ago
I think the advice is more like "build a circle of good, like-minded friends." A hobby group can help with that. There is no quick fix.

qPM9l3XJrF 6y ago

The share of young men not having sex has tripled in the past decade: https://twitter.com/_cingraham/status/1111607604348805120 https://twitter.com/_cingraham/status/1111607604348805120 What do you think accounts for this change? Seems pretty plausible to me that it has something to do with technology. Perhaps it has something to do with dating apps, perhaps young men are substituting porn for real intimacy, perhaps some combination. Either way, doesn't seem like a good change. And by the pigeonhole principle, if more women are having sex than men, it must be the case that some men are sleeping with multiple women (modulo homosexuality and young women sleeping with older guys). (I don't think "you just need to be a better partner" moralizing has much explanatory power, it's a lecture that can be delivered in any time or place to any gender and doesn't speak to underlying trends.)

deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
lovecg 6y ago
Could the explanation be as simple as the economy? Younger people are less likely to have a career and more likely to live with their parents since 2008, both of these are not known to be turn-ons.